Hey there weekday warriors,

Today we’re dissecting that Apple ad, getting into Roblox’s earnings, and a whole lot more. Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 11 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

- tyler

+ US stocks “rose Thursday as more evidence showed the US labor market continued to cool, reviving hopes for a rate cut by the fall.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year Treasury yield “fell Thursday following the release of fresh U.S. unemployment data and a bond auction that was met with strong demand." (CNBC)

+ Oil “edged up to a one-week high on Thursday on data from China and the U.S. signaling demand in the world's two biggest crude-consuming nations could climb.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin saw “little relief amid continued pressure from concerns over high U.S. interest rates and increased regulatory scrutiny against some of the crypto industry’s biggest players.” (Investing.com)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Nvidia -1.8% 2) AltC Acquisition +20.1% 3) Robinhood -3.0%

The market moves you need to know about…

+ Celsius investors came to their senses on Thursday. Shares of the energy drink maker got pummeled on Wednesday after reporting a rare top-line miss. But shares recovered yesterday, rising 6.4%.

+ Planet Fitness investors are judgment-free, too, it seems. Despite sharing a pretty brutal outlook for the year, shares of the gym rose 5.6% on the day.

+ The maker of Stanley Cups for dudes (read: YETI) popped 12.7% after reporting strong Q1 numbers. But what had investors all hot and bothered were the cooler maker’s expanding margins.

Mad men

People haven’t been this butt hurt about an ad since Kendall Jenner cured racism with a Pepsi…

In an attempt to build hype around the incredibly underwhelming new iPad, Apple (UNCH) CEO Tim Cook shared this ad on Twitter. For those of you working at a corporation with Draconian social media policies… the ad features a giant hydraulic press destroying a bunch of instruments and art supplies.

After the press finishes destroying everything, an iPad (tHe ThiNNesT AnD MoSt PowErFuL eVeR!) emerges from the carnage.

Normal, well-adjusted people might see it as a clever way for Apple to showcase how thin the new product is.

But not the internet mouth-breathers…

The humans of the internet acted like Tim Cook was the mastermind behind 9/11.

Social media interpreted it as foreboding the destruction of the human experience, or some sort of warning that AI is coming for the arts. They called Apple out of touch.

How bad was it?

Bad enough for Apple to issue a rare apology: “We missed the mark with this video, and we’re sorry.”

And, shocker, Apple doesn’t plan to run the spot on TV.

+ Turns out parents would prefer to buy little Johnny’s diabeetus meds vs. fund his Robux account when times get tough.

The economic downturn is coming for the world of make-believe. Roblox (-22.0%) shares got wasted after the company dropped better than expected earnings, but piss-poor guidance.

Its outlook was worse than the chances of Rockstar ever actually releasing GTA 6. Not only were current quarter expectations the stuff of investors’ nightmares, but the game maker was forced to slash its full-year guidance.

During the call, Roblox hyped up the ad infrastructure it’s building into gameplay (think: billboards for Fl*shlights). Unfortunately for shareholders, the company will be developing and tweaking the product for the remainder of the year of our lord 2024.

+ “Ok, guys, here’s a tip, but promise me you won’t overdo it.” - Bruce Garelick, who tipped off the Shvartsman brothers about DWAC’s intention to merge with Trump Media

Narrator: “But the Shvartsman bros would overdo it…”

Bruce Garelick was convicted of insider trading in what has to be the most open and shut case of all time. Some guys just aren’t meant to be white-collar criminals, and Bruce is one of them.

He was an early investor in Digital World Acquisition Corp. and was named to the board. Pretty much as soon as DWAC started convos with Trump Media, Bruce told his buddies Michael and Gerald Shvartsman. The insider info helped the VCs pocket more than $23M.

For his part, Bruce posted $49k in ill-gotten gains. What a piker…

+ Hopefully, Elon’s superchargers work better than the Neuralink…

During an interview, a BP boss said that the fossil fuel giant known for shooting Peter North-sized loads of crude into the Gulf of Mexico for like 3 months said it hopes to scoop up Tesla supercharger locations… and the companies’ (former) EV charging talent.

BP sees a huge opportunity to expand its EV charging footprint after Tesla’s decision to pump the brakes on the biz. You might recall that last month, Elon shocked the world by laying off most of the Supercharger team.

+ Name something sadder than a cable TV broadcast network unloading a bunch of TV stations to a buyer (who probably doesn’t really want them) at a steep discount. I’ll wait.

Sinclair (+22.4%) is one of the largest owners of broadcast stations (think: your local Fox, NBC, or ABC affiliates) in the US. And it’s looking to sell more than 30% of its portfolio or about 60 stations. It’s even willing to part ways with its premiere asset: the Tennis Channel.

It probably shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that Sinclair has had a rough decade or so. Streaming options continue to eat their lunch. It’s lost more than 70% of its market value in just the past 5 years.

Sinclair’s decision to buy Diamond Sports, the largest regional sports network in the game, from Disney probably didn’t help. The RSN was saddled with debt and ended up filing for bankruptcy… and suing its parent. Oof.

+ A millennial who went to college in his 30s when his career stalled says his Bachelor's degree is 'worthless' and that he's been looking for a job for 3 years (Read)

+ 40-year-old paid off $20,000 in credit card debt—her No. 1 piece of advice (Read)

+ Highest-paying jobs right out of school (Read)

+ Most Americans agree you stop being ‘cool’ at this age (Read)

Yesterday, we were keeping an eye on earnings reports from Planet Fitness, Yeti, and Roblox, as well as the weekly jobless claims report.

+ Check out results from Planet Fitness, Yeti, and Roblox above

+ Weekly jobless claims just hit their highest level in more than 8 months.

Here's what we’re keeping an eye on today...

+ Sphere Entertainment reports this AM. Investors will be keeping a close eye on the company’s guidance for DAU (daily acid use) growth in Q2. The Dead & Company’s residency is expected to be a major growth driver.

+ Chicago Federal Reserve Bank President Austan Goolsbee participates in a Q&A

Yesterday, I asked, “How many languages can you speak?”

41.3% of you can only speak 1. And I call bullsh*t on the 2.3% of you who say you can speak 5+.

Here’s today’s question…

Oh, and…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional