Hey there weekday warriors,

Suitors are lining up to buy the f*cking dip on Intel.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 49 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

+ US stocks “closed mixed on Friday as rate-cut euphoria faded, but the Dow Jones Industrial Average managed to stay above the 42,000 level again to eke out another record close.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year Treasury yield “ended the week higher even after the Federal Reserve’s outsized rate cut earlier in the week.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “settled lower on Friday but recorded a second straight week of gains, garnering support from a U.S. interest rate cut and a dip in U.S. supply.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin was relatively unchanged over the weekend.

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Nvidia -1.5% 2) Intel +3.3% 3) C3.ai -1.9%

The market moves you need to know about…

+ “What global IT outage?” Crowdstrike continues its comeback tour. Shares are now up nearly 40% after the company brought the internet to its knees in July. CRWD rose 8.1% on Friday after analysts liked what they heard at the company’s cybersecurity event.

– Shares of Trump Media lost another 7.8% a day after the SPAC lockup period expired, allowing major shareholders to begin offloading stonk if they so choose.

+ Tell me your company is a sh*tshow without telling me: share of health tech Masimo popped 8.6% on news that activist investor Politan had won a proxy fight and would take two more board seats.

Bad intel

“Sounds like a ‘you’ problem…” - Intel CEO Pat Gelsinger to Qualcomm

Rumor has it that Qualcomm (-2.8%) approached Intel (+3.3%) with an offer to buy the sad excuse of a chipmaker. Despite being the Temu of the semiconductor industry, Intel still has a market cap north of $90B. That would make it one of the biggest tech acquisitions of all time.

Qualcomm smells blood…

It appears Qualcomm CEO Cristiano Amon wants to pick at the carcass of what was once a stalwart of American technological might.

Shares of Intel are down more than 50%. And CEO Pat Gelsinger is hanging on for dear life.

Not only has Intel been blowin’ money fast to build out its chip manufacturing biz (upwards of $25B over the past two years, with no signs of slowing down), but it’s failed to capitalize on the AI craze. Like, at all. It’s almost impressive.

You might recall that early last week, Intel unveiled a turnaround effort that included rolling its foundry biz into its own entity that can take outside investment. But, stopped short of actually spinning it off into a separately traded public company.

Fat chance

Let’s assume for a second that Qualcomm and Intel can come to terms. Convincing Uncle Sam could prove more difficult than finding a redeeming quality in P. Diddy. The FTC has been the no-fun police for a number of years.

Not to mention, the deal could raise red flags in other countries where the companies do business. Like China, which has played spoiler before. See: Intel’s proposed deal for Tower Semi and Qualcomm’s acquisition of NXP.

If the deal were to get done, Qualcomm would almost certainly need to divest some of Intel’s assets.

Or, of course, Intel could say f*ck that noise and just get in bed with private equity. Late Sunday, news broke that Apollo has reportedly offered to invest up to $5B in the semiconductor maker…

+ “Nuke ‘em, Rico.” - Satya Nadella, apparently

Good news… just in case AI doesn’t become sentient and exterminate the human race, we’ll probably just nuke ourselves in an attempt to meet artificial intelligence energy demands.

And this is step #1: Constellation Energy (+22.2%) will restart the Unit 1 nuclear reactor on Three Mile Island to power Microsoft’s (-0.7%) AI data centers.

If Three Mile Island sounds familiar, that’s because it was the site of the worst nuclear accident in US history. In 1979 one of the reactors partially melted down. To be fair, Unit 1 was not the one that went all Chernobyl.

+ You had one job…

The most surprising part of Ted Colbert’s departure from Boeing (-0.8%) is that it took so long. The head of BA’s defense, space, and security unit might go down as the worst head of a space program since Roman Roy. During his tenure, Colbert oversaw two astronauts getting stranded in space.

+ Huge news if you’re a crystal meth tweaker and/or lady of the night…

An Indian hotel operator just bought G6 Hospitality aka Motel 6 from Blackstone for $525M. Blackstone bought Motel 6 for $1.9B back in 2012. But before you feel too bad for them, consider that they have pocketed more than $1B in profit over that time.

+ What’s that? Stock options just not volatile enough for you?

Welp, we’re thisss close to options on the iShares Bitcoin Trust ETF beginning to trade. The Shortseller Enrichment Commission just approved Nasdaq’s application. Next up? Sign-off from the Options Clearing Corp. and the Commodity Futures Trading Commission.

+ On the fence about getting a travel card? This just might be the perfect card for you. It’s time to make credit card miles your entire personality…

+ More men in their prime working years are neither working nor looking for jobs — here’s why. Two words: sugar mama.

+ What Warren Buffett’s recent moves say – and don’t say – about today’s market. His moves definitely say ‘f*ck B of A, all my homies hate B of A.’

+ Buffalo Bills fans can buy bonds to finance the team’s new stadium. Bills Mafia be like “Sorry, spent all our money on folding tables…”

🔥 To influence people, make 1 key change in how you talk, says communication expert: It puts you ‘in a position of power’. “Always call your adversary a little b*tch.”

FYI, TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. So, what are you waiting for? Start clicking.

⏪ On Friday, we survived a triple witching day (stock options, stock index futures, and stock index options contracts expired)

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ FedEx’s holds its annual meeting

+ We’ll hear from a few Fed presidents

On Friday (and Thursday), I asked, “You get $50M, but you can only use ONE bathroom for the rest of your life. Do you take the money?”

I think this question single-handedly put a dent in US GDP. Still has some of your brains in a pickle. And it got the most comments of any question... by far.

Here are the results…

66.0% of you need more than 1 bathroom in your life.

Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my thoughts in italics)…

• Money: "I’ll buy an island or oceanfront house. I’ll be fine"

• More than 1 bathroom: "Could possibly make 2 bathrooms and $25,000,000 work…"

• More than 1 bathroom: "Even the best mansion can become a prison"

• More than 1 bathroom: "I would have a serious drug and alcohol problem if I was stuck to one place on Earth."

• Money: "No brainer. People will come party with you. Also, you will be dead in a few months from kidney and liver failure from holding it, so people will be sucking up to you to get a spoonful of that inheritance."

• More than 1 bathroom: "I fought internally for at least 15 minutes (my boss hates you) trying to click the 50M option, but that's just no way to live life. If I had 50M I would drink, a LOT, and I can't give up going to casinos, sporting events, bars… gotta pee somewhere"

And here’s today’s questions…

+ A brief history of no one wanting to work anymore…

🔥 This one’s for all the finance/accounting majors… that ended up doing something (anything) else…

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.