Hey there weekday warriors,

Name more of an affront to human taste buds than Miller Lite flavored mints. I’ll wait…

Here’s what else we’re getting into today…

• Bitcoin really outdid itself this time

• Astrobotic lets America down

• "Right-sizing” at the NFL

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 12 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

- tyler

+ US stocks ended mixed. All three major indices were “pressured by a modest rise in Treasury yields as investors assessed the timing and size of any Federal Reserve interest rate cuts in 2024 ahead of inflation data this week.” (Investing.com)

+ The 10-year Treasury yield was “higher on Tuesday as investors weighed the state of the economy ahead of key inflation data due later this week." (CNBC)

+ Oil “prices climbed around 2% on Tuesday as the Middle East crisis and a Libyan supply outage pared the previous day's heavy losses.” (Reuters)

+ There are no words to describe Bitcoin’s day (see below).

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Nvidia +1.70% 2) Boeing -1.41% 3) Visa +0.32%.

You can’t make this sh*t up…

What transpired yesterday was batsh*t even by Bitcoin’s standards.

Around 4 PM yesterday, the Securities and Exchange Commission’s official account tweeted the following…

And as you might expect, bitcoin bulls were jacked up. Open-mouth kisses for everyone. At long last, the mainstream moment the virgin crypto community had been waiting for was here.

Or was it?

Sike!

Less than half an hour later, Shortseller Enrichment Commission Chair Gary Gensler tweeted this…

You had one job, Gary.

WTF is going on?

According to the SEC, the official @SECGov account was hacked “by an unknown party”… whose name probably rhymes with Natoshi.

Now, it appears the SEC will investigate… itself. There’s no word on where this leaves the actual Bitcoin ETF decision/announcement which was slated for this week.

Investors aren’t sure what to make of the clusterf*ck. Soon after the initial tweet, bitcoin jumped to nearly $47k, but has since fallen below $46k.

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+ Picking stocks is a ‘terrible idea’ for young investors, says expert—what to do instead (Read)

+ Shohei Ohtani’s $700 million contract sparks concern about taxes on deferred income for high earners (Read)

+ ICYMI... Take Warren Buffett's Advice: Don't Buy Any Stock in 2024 Unless It Passes This Test (Read)

+ “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.” - literally every American

Look what you’ve done, Astrobotic. America is the laughingstock of the international community. Astrobotic’s lunar lander “malfunctioned” and won’t land on the surface of the moon after all. That means the Peregrine lander will not be the first American spacecraft to touch down on the lunar surface in more than 50 years. Something tells me raising money is about to get a lot harder for Astrobotic…

Soon after launch, the craft’s propulsion system began leaking fuel, which, turns out, is a big f*cking deal. Come on guys, sending a craft to space with a versatile astromech droid on board in case of emergency is day 1 stuff. (Read)

+ NFL HQ is about to finalize their 53-man roster. The league just offered voluntary buyouts to 200 of its roughly 1,100 employees. In a statement, the NFL said it is “continuously evaluating ways to enhance efficiency,” which just screams “those buyouts are about to become involuntary real fast.” (Read)

+ Bah gawd, that’s Paul Singer’s music. Singer’s Elliot Management has taken a $1B stake in Match, which owns Tinder, Hinge, and a bunch of other apps that cater to horny singles hoping to clap cheeks/get their cheeks clapped.

News that the activist investor was interested in cleaning up the dumpster fire at Match had investors at full mast. Shares were up 13% in pre-market trading but closed up 3% on the day. (Read)

+ Good news, Twitter/X users… now you can pay in-app for the “products” and “services” offered by the p*rn bots in your comments and DMs. X confirmed via blog (which would be like Facebook announcing a new product on YouTube Shorts) that peer-to-peer payments will launch this year. (Read)

Here's what I'm keeping an eye on today...

+ KB Home reports

+ Bitcoin ETFs could win approval (lol)

Here’s today’s question…

People are losing their damn minds over the Starbucks x Target x Stanley Cup collab, so…

Are you team Stanley, YETI, or something else entirely?

Reply directly to this email and I’ll share the results tomorrow.

Oh, and one more thing…

Interested in sponsoring The Water Coolest? Fill out this form and I’ll be in touch. Or reach out directly to [email protected].

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional