Hey there weekday warriors,

Starbucks’ new CEO has a plan that is so crazy that it might just work (spoiler: he wants to bring back the old Starbucks).

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 35 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

+ US stocks “closed mixed in a rollercoaster session on Tuesday as investors geared up for a looming consumer inflation report seen as crucial to determining the size of the first US interest-rate cut in years.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year Treasury yield “dipped on Tuesday ahead of the final major inflation prints before the Federal Reserve’s September meeting.” (CNBC)

+ Oil futures “settled at their lowest level since December 2021 on Tuesday, after OPEC+ revised down its demand forecast for this year and 2025, offsetting supply concerns from Tropical Storm Francine.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin “rose on Tuesday, extending a rebound in recent sessions as steep losses from last week saw bargain buyers step into cryptocurrency markets.” (Investing)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Nvidia +1.5% 2) AST SpaceMobile +0.6% 3) Visa -0.09%

The market moves you need to know about…

– Consider this your quarterly reminder that GameStop is still a steaming pile of dog sh*t. Oh, and that Ryan Cohen is a coward. GME reported that revenue fell nearly 40% vs. the same period last year. And, per usual, Ryan Cohen and GME management didn’t host an earnings call. Shares fell 10.4% after hours.

+ Dave & Buster’s missed on the top line, but still managed to moon after hours. Why? Well, it definitely wasn’t because of how good the food is. Investors loved that D&B predicted better-than-expected profit in the current quarter. Shares were up 12.5% after hours.

– “I immediately regret this decision.” - Ally’s CFO after warning about worsening capital conditions. Shares of Ally tanked 17.6% after its Chief Financial Officer warned its auto loan borrowers are having a harder time paying their bills.

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Concepts of a plan

Don’t you dare for a second think Starbucks’ (+1.2%) CEO Brian Niccol doesn’t have concepts of a plan…

How can we be so sure? Because Bry just dropped an “open letter.” Which is the Fortune 500 equivalent of an influencer posting a Notes App screenshot apology/confession.

On just his second day on the job, Bry-guy put on a masterclass…

Step 1: Throw his predecessor under the bus (“…there’s a shared sense that we have drifted from our core. We have an opportunity to make the store experience better for our partners and, in turn, for our customers.”)

Step 2: Say something heartwarming (“Each cup is more than a drink; it’s a handcrafted moment, made with care.”)

Step 3: Outline how every Starbucks experience is going to feel like you’re the main character in a Hallmark holiday movie.

So wtf is his plan?

The former Chipotle CEO admitted Starbucks isn’t delivering in the US.

In addition to giving blue-haired baristas the tools they need to succeed (probably so they don’t unionize), Niccol wants to fix the morning rush. Long waits and wrong drinks have been a major pain point for consumers, which has contributed to falling sales. That includes investments in in-store tech and the mobile app.

Oh, and he really wants you to write the next great American novel in a Starbucks (after all, look how much love Denny’s is getting thanks to Jensen Huang’s success). He wants to re-establish Starbucks as the community coffeehouse. Which presumably means they’ll be kicking out all the hobos.

Investors appeared to buy in… shares rose steadily throughout the day.

+ Margrethe Vestager seems like she’d be fun at a party…

Marge, the EU’s antitrust chief scored two major Ws over big tech (the American kind, since, ya know, it doesn’t really exist in Europe) yesterday.

First, Apple (-0.3%) lost an appeal that will force it to pony up $14B for an overdue tax bill. Way back in the year of our lord 2016, EU regulators claimed Ireland offered up some massive tax breaks to Apple (and pretty much every other tech company that would take their talents there) in direct violation of EU law. In their defense, the Irish were probably drunk…

And Google (+0.3) will have to pay a $2B fine to the Union related to its search engine dominance. According to the EU, Google boosted results for its own shopping listings. Honestly, what’s even the point of being a market leader if you can’t benefit from it?

Shares of both companies were largely unchanged, because the payouts amount to a rounding error for the tech giants.

+ “I’m not a regular Fed, I’m a cool Fed.”

The Central Bank backed down on proposed massive new capital requirements following pressure from banks to “chill the f*ck out, bro.” The initial proposal was a kneejerk reaction to the collapse of 3 major banks last year. Ok, fair…

Instead of a 20% hike in capital reserves, the Fed settled on 9%… but only for the biggest banks in the country. Banks holding less than $250B (so, most of them) will more or less be off the hook (unless they have a major trading operation).

As you might have guessed, shares of big swingin’ banks took a hit on the news that they’d be singled out for being so good at what they do. JPM and Goldman fell 5.1% and 4.3%, respectively. To be fair, they both did just warn that their upcoming quarterly reports are going to be brutal…

+ Drop the ‘soup’. Just Campbell’s. It’s cleaner.

Campbell’s is so much more than soup. And it’s CEO really, really wants you to know it. During its investor day, Campbell’s CEO said it will be ‘The Campbell’s Company’ from here on out.

Why? Because it’s time to highlight its other brands like Goldfish, V8, and Prego sauce.

+ Best Ways to Build Wealth After 40. Step #2: kick your deadbeat kids out.

+ Why a Disney vacation may have gotten too pricey for the average American family. Mostly because Bob Iger has a fever and the only prescription is more shareholder value…

+ This 29-year-old millionaire doesn’t own a home — here’s how he spends and invests his money instead. Spoiler: drugs and hookers.

🔥 As the IRS targets wealthy Americans for audits, here are red flags for everyday filers. If you’ve never filed taxes, the IRS doesn’t know you exist, right? Asking for a friend…

FYI, TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. So, what are you waiting for? Start clicking.

⏪ Yesterday, GameStop and Dave & Buster’s reported after the bell. And Donny Politics and Kamala Harris faced off in their first Presidential debate.

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ August CPI data drops. But let’s be honest, it doesn’t really matter what happens at this point… we’re getting rate cuts, you guys

Yesterday, I asked, “On average how many of your meals per week include meat?”

40.0% of you are eating meat at almost every meal.

Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my thoughts in italics)…

• 11-15: “‘You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of bacon and eggs, but what I said was: give me ALL the bacon and eggs you have.; - Ron Swanson”

• 16-21: "All of them baby! I ain't no soy boy"

• 16-21: "You are not a man if you don't eat meat. Eating meat only kills you when you combine it with a f*ck ton of processed foods. Meat, vegetables, repeat." Joe Rogan, is that you?

• 11-15: "They are partially correct…eating obese cows that stand in a feed plot eating nothing but corn, soy, and tums is terrible for you. Eating a ton of high-quality meat is really, really good for you (100% grass fed beef, pastured pork, pasture raised chicken, etc.)."

• 16-21: "There is no meal unless there is meat. In the immortal words of John Pinette, "Salad isn't food. Salad is a promissory note that food will soon arrive." He feels like a terrible person to take health advice from…

• 16-21: "Our ancestors didn’t kill mammoths for us to just eat bean and cheese burritos from Taco Bell."

• 11-15: "Coffee and Zyn for breakfast, the rest of the meals contain chicken in some form” I’m more of a Zyn/white Monster guy, myself.

Here’s today’s question…

Did you really think I wasn’t going to ask about Campbell’s soup? Also, it’s almost soup szn…

+ This Dominos vs. Google stock chart has the internet’s brain in a pretzel…

🔥 This comedian who went to a Nancy Pelosi book signing and asked for stock advice is a national treasure…

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.