Today, we’re getting into a potential deal between Shell and BP, Bumble layoffs, and The Social Network 2. But first...

In the June 26, 2024 edition of The Water Coolest, we were talking about Rivian getting its “funding secured” on…

The EV maker for people who don’t want to support Elon Musk, but still want everyone to know they watched ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ one time, was in something of a death spiral. That is, until VW stepped in with a bailout disguised as a JV. As part of the deal, the carmaker that brought us ‘dieselgate’ promised to invest $5.8B.

Over the past year, Rivian has managed to keep its head above water despite the soft market for electric whips. Shares are up 15% over the past year (… plus, it could be worse… they could be Fisker, which filed for bankruptcy around this time last year).

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 29 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

PS, loving The Water Coolest? Forward it to someone who would get duped into supporting a coup. If you CC me ([email protected]), I’ll send you both something.

PPS, did someone with great taste (who thinks you might support a coup in Africa… by mistake) forward this to you? Subscribe here.

“What? Huh? Oil? Who said something about oil… b*tch you cooking?”

I love the smell of fossil fuel (leaking into the Gulf of America) in the morning…

Just before noon EST yesterday, the WSJ reported that Shell $SHEL ( ▼ 0.01% ) was considering the largest takeover in the O&G industry since the United States of America invaded Iraq.

Shares of BP $BP ( ▲ 0.17% ) popped on news that Shell was in talks to buy its sorry excuse of a British competitor. The snitches familiar with the situation didn’t provide details on the going rate for a company responsible for killing more marine life during an 87-day oil spill than all the plastic straws combined.

Of course, we do know BP’s market cap sits right around $80B, which would (likely) make this the largest deal since Exxon (another company that knows a thing or two about systematically eradicating waterfowl) and Mobil tied the knot back in the 90s.

Fake news

But not long after the Journal’s report, Shell refuted the claims: “This is further market speculation. No talks are taking place.”… which is exactly what a company that doesn’t want to get into a bidding war would say…

Ok, but could it happen?

Yes. And BP might not have a choice. You see, the company that made the 2016 film ‘Deepwater Horizon’ starring Mark Wahlberg possible overindexed ongoing green. Back in 2020, it vowed to invest in clean energy, cut its carbon footprint, and generally act like someone who drives a Prius. Just one problem: taking the moral high ground isn’t profitable. Investors took note.

And just in case it wasn’t totally clear how bleak things were… activist investor Elliott Management took a 5% stake in BP back in April. Spoiler: Paul Singer could be looking to force BP into an arranged marriage.

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+ Tell me your entire net worth is tied up in one company, without telling me…

Not long after returning for her second stint as CEO of Bumble $BMBL ( ▼ 0.92% ), founder Whitney Wolfe Herd has unveiled her plan to turn around the dating app’s fortune: tell 30% of her workforce, “it’s not me, it’s you.”

Shares popped 25% on the news that Bumble was ghosting around 240 real human beings because investors only want one thing, and it’s f*cking disgusting.

To be fair, something needed to be done. Things at Bumble are more bleak than your 5’6" balding friend’s dating prospects. The company has lost nearly 92% of its value since going public in 2022…

+ I’ll just leave this totally real, 100% NOT-The-Onion headline from Bloomberg right here…

The award-winning 10-part HBO Max docuseries just writes itself, you guys…

Robert Granieri, one of the founders of Jane Street, was allegedly duped by two African dudes to the tune of $7M. What was pitched to SBF’s former boss as a philanthropic effort to support South Sudan was actually a scheme to buy AKs, Stinger missiles, and probably some Palantir software to support a coup in the country. And you thought falling for the Nigerian prince scam was embarrassing...

+ The rumors of Nvidia’s $NVDA ( ▲ 1.76% ) demise have been greatly exaggerated. Despite Uncle Sam effectively barring the chipmaker from slinging silicon in the world’s second-largest economy (read: China), Nvidia shares hit a new all-time high. And Nvidia once again reclaims its (rightful) spot as the most valuable company in the world, thus relegating Microsoft to the market equivalent of the cuck chair.

+ Everyone in 2023: “I bet we’ll solve cancer with AI in like 6 months…”

AI in 2025: “Here’s a text alert about a raccoon eating your trash at 3 AM.”

Amazon-owned $AMZN ( ▲ 2.85% ) Ring announced that the best it can do is AI-powered text messages summarizing activity captured on your smart doorbell. And maybe Andy Jassy should start offering $100M signing bonuses to attract AI talent…

+ Oh my god, ok, it’s happening. Everybody, stay calm. After years of next-level f*ckery that makes stealing HarvardConnection from the Winklevii look like child’s play, we are finally getting The Social Network II. Aaron Sorkin’s sequel will reportedly be based on the WSJ’s ‘Facebook Files’. Jesse Eisenberg might win an Oscar for the 'smoking meats’ scene alone…

+ US stocks “took a breather on Wednesday, pausing a two-day rally as the tenuous Israel-Iran cease fire continued to hold and investors pored over a second day of congressional testimony from Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell.” (Reuters)

+ The 10-year yield was “near flat on Wednesday as investors monitored the Israel-Iran ceasefire and parsed Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell’s second day of testimony before Congress.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “rose nearly 1% on Wednesday, recovering from a sharp slide early this week, as data showed relatively strong U.S. demand, and as investors assessed the stability of a ceasefire between Iran and Israel.” (Reuters)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ General Mills and Paychex reported before the bell

+ Micron and Jeffries reported after hours

+ Jerome Powell testified to the Senate Banking Committee

+ Nvidia held its annual meeting

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Walgreens reports before the bell

+ Nike drops earnings after hours

Yesterday, I asked, “What should we name the ‘TWC Dumb*ss of the Week’ distinction? (Round 2)”

The tribe has spoken. “TWC Dumb*ss of the Week (The DOW)” is the clear winner. Lots of notes about “keeping it simple” and “having TWC in the name”… which is why I love you guys.

We’ll get started with the first vote TOMORROW. Winner announced Monday.

Here’s today’s question…

Oh, and one more thing…

Made in America & Sent from my Amazon FirePhone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.