Hey there weekday warriors,

Here’s what we’re getting into today…

• Tesla earnings disappoint… but also don’t

• Non-competes are canceled

• TikTok is a dead man walking

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 9 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

- tyler

PS, want to get smarter about residential real estate investing? You'll love The Pocket List, a brand-new newsletter I’ve been working on. It’ll keep you up to date on the industry and help you make more money. Check out last week’s newsletter and subscribe for free with one click (Read & subscribe)

+ US stocks “secured gains across the board on Tuesday, as tech-focused investors prepared for a fresh wave of earnings highlighted by struggling Tesla.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year Treasury yield “fell Tuesday as investors parsed fresh manufacturing data and awaited further insight into the state of the economy from reports due out later in the week." (CNBC)

+ Oil “rose by more than $1 a barrel on Tuesday as the U.S. dollar index fell to its lowest level in more than a week and investors shifted their focus away from tensions in the Middle East to the state of global economies.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin “remained little changed on Tuesday as the halving event passed with insignificant price action, while capital outflows from investment products continued amid uncertainty over higher-for-longer interest rates.” (Investing)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Tesla +1.8% AH: +12.3% 2) Nvidia +3.6% 3) C3.ai +3.5%

The market moves you need to know about…

– Shares of Cleveland-Cliffs fell 11.0% after reporting brutal Q1 earnings. Cliffs’ CEO used his platform to absolutely shred Nippon Steel for botching the US Steel acquisition.

+ HashiCorp popped 19.6% on news that IBM is reportedly interested in buying the cloud software maker.

– Instacart got rekt after Amazon announced a similar grocery delivery service. CART closed down 7.4%.

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Cyber Cash Cab

You guys, maybe Jim Cramer was on to something in 2010…

Tesla (+13.3% after hours… yes, you read that right) reported a piss-poor Q1 on Tuesday… as expected.

Earnings came in at $0.45 per share, well below the $0.52 expected, on revenue of $21.3B (vs. $22.3B consensus). It was the first revenue decline in 4 years (spoiler: last time was during rona boi) and the largest drop in 12 years.

Yet, shares were up 13%…

That’s right.

Elon and Co. managed to make investors forget all about TSLA’s brutal quarter. The EV company said it was accelerating the launch of its more affordable vehicle aka the Model 2 to early 2025 (if not 2024).

“Wait, I thought Elon was scrapping the Model 2?”

Elon has refuted claims that the affordable car was about to go the way of birth control in his s*x life. Of course, he did just announce a robotaxi event in August, which was widely interpreted as Tesla killing the cheaper whip.

Speaking of the robotaxi…

TSLA’s investor deck showed some details of the ride-hailing app. And at one point, Elon referred to the robotaxi as the “Cybercab.”

Shares of Tesla jumped on news of the mass production model… despite the disastrous quarter.

+ Turns out the FTC does stuff other than make companies wish they never even thought of getting their M&A on…

The Commission voted to ban non-compete agreements for worker bees. They estimate that nearly 20% of American workers are subject to contractual obligations to not work for their current employers’ competition.

The rule, if enacted, would ban for-profits from including non-competes in contracts and make current non-competes unenforceable. There is one exception: senior execs, defined as “workers earning more than $151,164 annually who also are in a policymaking position.” So literally anyone in a major city…

The rule is likely to be challenged by business groups. The US Chamber of Commerce already said it plans to sue the FTC.

+ TikTok is a dead man walking…

Last night, the Senate passed the foreign aid/TikTok bill.

The House passed the bill on Saturday, which means it’ll head to Joe Biden’s desk for signature. Ukraine, Israel, and Taiwan will be big winners, with billions in aid hitting their Venmo accounts…

But the biggest winner will probably be whichever entity (or entities) acquires TikTok’s US operations (friendly reminder: as part of the bill, Bytedance will either need to sell off the social network… or face a total ban).

+ Spotify (+11.4%) is out here getting its Meta on. Its version of the “year of efficiency” is paying off.

The music streamer that has made Pandora its b*tch, beat on the top and bottom lines. It also managed to turn a profit, thanks in large part to Taylor Swift layoffs and other cost-cutting measures.

It also gave a pretty rosy outlook for Q2’s operating income and revenue. Meanwhile, Spotify reiterated that price hikes are inbound and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. US price hikes will hit later this year, while other countries will have the privilege of paying more as soon as this month.

+ Amazon (+1.2%) is coming for Instacart. From here on out, US Prime members can pay $9.99 monthly for unlimited grocery delivery.

+ Don’t get too excited… Apple’s (+0.5%) May 7th launch event is online only. So, how good could it be? Analysts are expecting a new iPad. Yawn.

+ Couple grew their basement side hustle into a business bringing in $4.5M/year: We’d ‘never seen anything like that in a bank account’ (Read)

+ CEOs share the 3 kinds of toxic employees you never want to be: ‘Have some honesty about it’ (Read)

+ How much Americans in their 40s have in their 401(k)s—and how to boost it (Read)

Yesterday, I was keeping an eye on earnings from Pepsi, GM, Visa, Spotify & Tesla. Here’s how they did…

+ Pepsi (AM) (-2.9%) beat on the top and bottom line… but raised concerns about falling volume due to price pressure.

+ General Motors’ (AM) (+4.3%) quarter couldn’t have been more different than Tesla’s (read: a beat and raise).

+ Visa (PM) (+0.6%, +2.4 after-hours) beat the Street’s estimates thanks to resilient consumer spending.

+ Check out Spotify & Tesla above…

Here's what I'm keeping an eye on today...

+ AT&T, General Dynamics, and Hilton report this AM

+ Meta, IBM, Boeing, Chipotle, and Ford report after the close. And things can’t possibly get worse for Boeing, right? Right?!

Yesterday I asked… Do you need 24/7 stock trading in your life?

94.3% of you don’t need it.

One of my favorite responses…

“Woof, can you imagine 24/7 causing a roller coaster for some stocks, if something happens overnight? How would Kendall have been able to save Waystar if the market never closed, and his dad stroked?!?”

Here’s today’s question…

Oh, and…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional