Hey there weekday warrior,

Buckle up f*ckleheads.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 36 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

Declaration of Economic Independence

ChatGPT-4o: “What can I help with?”

Some White House intern: “design a three-column infographic featuring US reciprocal tariffs. oh, and f*ck Cambodia”

ChatGPT-4o: “Say no more:”

“Reciprocal. That means they do it to us and we do it to them. Very simple. Can’t get any simpler than that” - the first guy who invented the 69 President Trump explaining his reciprocal tariffs

Happy Liberation Day to everyone who celebrates. President Trump signed the “Declaration of Economic Independence” in the Rose Garden at the White House yesterday.

The executive order imposed 10% baseline tariffs on every product from every country on planet Earth. More than 180 countries (think: the ones we actually do trade with) got special treatment (and I mean that in the worst way possible)…

The highlights

Tariffs on goods from China making their way to the US (so, mostly Temu orders and fentanyl) will jump to 54%. The White House tacked on an additional 34 percentage points to the current 20% duties.

The EU will get its first taste of Trump 2.0 tariffs to the tune of 20% on all goods. Meanwhile, Mexico and Canada, who were getting taxed before it was cool (read: last month), won’t see any increases.

Did I mention there are industry-specific taxes (and carve-outs)? All foreign-made cars will be subject to a 25% tax. But prescription drugs will be totally exempt (for now).

Please show your work

The haters will say the math ain’t mathing...

In case you’re wondering “how the f*ck is ‘Tariffs Charged to the US’ nearly 100% for some trade partners"?” look no further than the fine print. The numbers (apparently) account for “currency manipulation and trade barriers.”

And the reason Column C (Discounted Reciprocal Tariffs) doesn’t equal Column B (Tariffs Charged to the US)? Easy… because the US wants to keep some powder dry just in case the message isn’t received. POTUS said, “We will charge them approximately half of what they are and have been charging us.” The WH confirmed it could step up any and all tariffs. Keep your head on a swivel, Heard and McDonald Islands.

So markets give the move 5 big booms, right?

Not exactly.

Markets were down bad after hours. Like, really bad. The S&P 500 lost more than 3.5% overnight. And companies dependent on foreign goods like Nike $NKE ( ▲ 3.01% ) and Apple $AAPL ( ▼ 7.29% ) got spanked worse than Vietnam (see: 46% tariffs).

Bill Ackman about to say “hell is coming” so mf loud…

+ I would like to formally announce The Water Coolest’s bid for TikTok…

Despite it not even actually being for sale, everyone with a pulse and a Delaware C-Corp is making a run at the ByteDance asset. Amazon $AMZN ( ▼ 4.15% ) , AppLovin $APP ( ▼ 16.27% ) , and Zoop, more commonly known as OnlyF*ns, have entered the chat at the 11th hour *checks date to make sure it is not April 1st*. All three companies reportedly sent official bids to the White House… presumably through Signal.

Those bids appear to fall into the category of “I love you, but you are not seriously people.” Perhaps you recall Amazon's attempt to build an in-house TikTok (sup, Inspire), which might have been the only thing more disastrous than the Fire Phone.

The leaders in the clubhouse are Oracle (with some straight cash homie courtesy of the leeches at a16z) and Blackstone, which is teaming up with current TikTok shareholders Susquehanna and General Atlantic.

The clock is ticking for TikTok, though. You might recall that one of Donny Politics’ first moves as Command in Chief was to extend the deadline for TikTok’s forced sale (or ban). That deadline is Saturday…

+ Zuck is the Silicon Valley equivalent of that guy in high school who hosted parties at his house just so the cool kids would like him. Meta $META ( ▼ 5.06% )  has become the “official fan technology partner” of the UFC $TKO ( ▼ 7.22% ) … which I’m pretty sure just means the ‘book’s logo will be plastered all over the octagon, and Zuck gets seats behind Joe Rogan at every event. Financial terms weren’t disclosed, but it’s reportedly a multi-million dollar, multi-year deal.

+ Imagine a worse day to launch a product than Liberation Day. Yesterday, Nintendo debuted its Switch 2, which will drop on June 5th and run you $450. The new console will have a larger screen and have built-in chat features, which will come in handy for the new Bond game it’s developing. And every millennial with fond memories of Goldeneye just went from 6 to midnight.

+ You hate to see it (…well, unless you’re one of those angry Karens keying Cybertrucks outside of Erewhon). Tesla $TSLA ( ▼ 10.42% ) just shared a brutal miss on deliveries for Q1. The number of TSLAs delivered fell 13% vs. the same quarter last year. Have you considered securing funding and taking it private, Elon?

+ US stocks “climbed on Wednesday in yet another volatile session as Wall Street readied for the expected rollout of President Donald Trump’s tariffs.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year yield “advanced on Wednesday as investors parsed some economic data and braced for the rollout of U.S. President Donald Trump’s tariffs.” (CNBC)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Visa -0.02% 2) Nvidia +0.2% 3) Hims & Hers Health +0.1%

⏪ Yesterday…

+ RH dropped earnings after the bell

+ Details of the US reciprocal tariffs were announced

+ Nintendo held a reveal event for the Switch 2

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ ExxonMobil drops earnings after the bell

+ The US will start collecting tariffs on imported vehicles and auto parts

+ Burford Capital Limited hosts an Investor Day

Yesterday, I asked, “Do I need to buy some Ray-Bay Metas and give them away as referral prizes?”

59.6% of you said NO.

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

• NO (tell me what I should give you): “Bitcoin. Can you do that?”

• Hell yes: “I can read the Water Coolest while I get hit by a car in the middle of an intersection.”

• NO (tell me what I should give you): “membership to the hyperlinks you post so I don't get paywalled. ”

• Hell yes: “Only if they come with prescription lenses.”

• NO (tell me what I should give you): “Start publishing your tomorrows news letter today so we can get gains like Nancy! ”

And here’s today’s question…

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.