Hey there weekday warriors,

You guys might find this hard to believe, but big tech is having its way with the little guy.

Back in the year of our lord 2021, Apple launched a new “privacy” feature. Unfortunately, it makes it hard for people like me to tell who is actually opening emails.

In fact, the only way for me to tell if you’re actually reading is if you respond to an email or click on something.

So, IF YOU WANT TO KEEP RECEIVING THE WATER COOLEST, YOU NEED TO CLICK THE BUTTON BELOW…

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

- tyler

+ US stocks “soared to a closing high for 2023 on Friday, extending November’s rally into the new month." (CNBC)

+ The 10-year Treasury yield “fell on Friday even after Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell threw cold water on market expectations for aggressive interest rate cuts ahead." (CNBC)

+ Oil "slumped more than 2% on Friday on investor skepticism about the depth of OPEC+ supply cuts and concern about sluggish global manufacturing activity." (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin “hit $40,000 on Sunday for the first time since early May 2022, while Ethereum (ETH) rose past $2,200 amid a broader – if subdued – rally in the crypto markets.” (Coindesk)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Nvidia -0.01% 2) C3.ai +6.08% 3) Marathon Holdings +14.45%.

Fat loss

Pfizer is down horrendously at the moment…

The big pharma sure could use a global pandemic right about now. Pfizer’s mission to backfill the void left by plummeting sales of its ‘rona boi vaccine just got a little more difficult.

It’s halting the development of one of its most promising drug candidates. The twice-a-day version of its weight loss drug won’t move forward in the testing process after a disastrous mid-stage trial.

Real-life tests of danuglipron (which, tbh, kinda sounds like something used for lethal injection) went about as well as the Stanford prison experiment.

The drug caused more vomiting (47% of test subjects) and diarrhea (25% of users) than Chipotle. Which probably explains the weight loss…

Patients who used the drug lost up to 11.7% of their body fat in 32 weeks. Too bad more than 50% of the users stopped taking it due to the side effects.

The L was a yuge blow to Pfizer, which was realllly hoping to tap into the $90B weight loss market currently dominated by Ozempic. It thought it could steal a huge chunk of market share by offering a more convenient form of delivery: a pill. Friendly reminder: Ozempic and other drugs are an injection.

Shares were down 5% on the day.

What’s next?

What better way to cut side effects by 50% than proceeding with a one-pill option?

Pfizer plans to release data on its danuglipron one-pill trial in early 2024 which will “inform its path going forward.” For what it’s worth, analysts are more excited about the one-pill option, allegedly.

+ Dave Ramsey Says It Doesn't Matter Where You Live — The Same Budget Rule Applies: 'Math Works In Every City And Every State. You Don't Get A Pass On Math Because You Live In Washington D.C.' (Read)

+ The Mint app is going away — what should current users do to manage their money? (Read)

+ Charlie Munger lived in the same home for 70 years: Rich people who build ‘really fancy houses’ become ‘less happy’ (Read)

+ ICYMI yesterday... Stock market: 4 hottest areas for growth in 2024 (Read)

+ Bah gawd, that’s Uber’s music…

As expected, the S&P 500 made it official. Uber is joining the big leagues, replacing Sealed Air Corp. (RIP, homie). Given that the ride-sharing giant’s market cap is nearly $120B, it might seem strange that it took this long. But the S&P 500 has standards (unlike you in college). To be eligible for inclusion in the S&P 500, companies need positive earnings in their most recent quarter and net positive earnings over the past four quarters. Turns out, Uber is recently profitable…

Shares jumped more than 5% on the news. Investors love when a company joins a major index because it means fund managers need to buy the stonk for inclusion in ETFs and other funds that track it. Plus, the higher standards tend to push companies to optimize for profitability. (Read)

+ J-Poww must’ve been talking to your girl, because he wants you to stop being “premature”…

On Friday, Jay “It would be premature to conclude with confidence that we have achieved a sufficiently restrictive stance, or to speculate on when policy might ease.” AKA, let’s pump the brakes on declaring victory over inflation… and stop this rally in its tracks.

Of course, investors interpreted it in a completely sane, non-irrational way: “Hey, at least he didn’t mention hiking rates!” Shares of the three major US indices rose on the day… (Read)

+ Streamers have an idea so crazy it might just work: cable TV.

On Friday, the WSJ reported that Apple and Paramount are in talks to bundle their streaming services, which would be great news for everyone who loves really mediocre premium TV (sorry, not sorry Yellowstone fans).

The move sent shares of PARA up almost 10%. And Warner Bros. Discovery rode its coattails. Shares popped 8.5%. Friendly reminder: Max (Warner Bros.) and Netflix have a pseudo-partnership that allows Verizon users to bundle the two. (Read)

+ "I’ll f*cking do it again.” Panera filed confidentially to go public… again. Presumably, because the family office that owns it is ready to cash in. In 2022, a deal to take it public via SPAC fell apart, which was probably a blessing in disguise. (Read)

+ Die-hard fans of the contiguous 48 might want to sit down…

Alaska Airlines is planning to buy Hawaiian Airlines for $1.9B. Spoiler: antitrust regulators aren’t going to be happy either… (Read)

Meanwhile, on The Water Coolest blog…

+ ICYMI… McDonald’s is making more than 50 changes to its burgers… when all we really want is the McFlurry machine to work… (Read on the TWC blog)

+ Fresh on the blog… You’re not going to believe where Humana’s corporate jet was on Friday… (Read on the TWC blog)

Here's what I'm keeping an eye on today...

+ MGM and Entain drop a “business update” on their BetMGM sports betting collab

On Friday I asked How do you listen to music (think: Spotify, Apple Music, CDs, Napster…)?

41.4% of you said Spotify. Followed by Apple Music, SiriusXM (kinda shocked by this tbh), and Amazon (forgot this existed… and technically I think I’m a subscriber via Prime). Honorable mention to “CDs uploaded to iTunes.” And I have no words for the two of you (that are 100% dads) who said “with my ears.”

Here’s today’s question…

Humana execs having to go to Arkansas got me thinking…

What’s the worst state in the US and why?

This outta be fun. Reply directly to this email and I’ll share the best answers tomorrow.

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of a God-fearing family man with sh*t-for-brains. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.