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Help bring down Big Ticket (sup, Ticketmaster) and its high fees. PromoTix is an event ticketing, marketing, and live-streaming startup that’s raising funds right now. Check out the investment terms by clicking the logo above.

Hey there weekday warriors,

McDonald’s has a message for us all: stop being poor. Plus, Apple pumps the brakes on AI.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 18 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

- tyler

+ US stocks “closed mostly flat on Monday to kick off a big week filled with a Federal Reserve rate decision, the jobs report, and Big Tech earnings.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year Treasury yield “fell on Monday as investors awaited the release of key economic data and looked to the Federal Reserve’s two-day policy meeting." (CNBC)

+ Oil “fell by nearly 2% on Monday after Israeli officials said they wanted to avoid dragging the Middle East into an all-out war while responding to a deadly rocket strike in the Israeli-occupied Golan Heights over the weekend.” (Reuters)

+ After nearly retaking $70k, Bitcoin tumbled below $67k on Monday.

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Nvidia -1.3% 2) Tesla +5.6% 3) C3.ai -1.2%

The market moves you need to know about…

+ Shares of Philips jumped 13.1% on news that it didn’t create a new product that would kill a bunch of people it beat easily on the bottom line after rolling out a massive cost savings initiative.

+ ON Semi got its Nvidia on yesterday. ON rose 11.5% on the day following an earnings beat and guidance that was to the Street’s liking.

Startup PromoTix ($48M in traction) is saving the events industry

PromoTix is solving the event industry’s challenges around high ticket fees and low attendance. Ticketmaster and competitors charge up to 40% of the ticket price to book, deterring guests who can’t afford the added cost. Combined with a crowded marketing space, events struggle.

PromoTix is raising funds to expand. Already profitable, with 656k users and $48M in sales in its first 30 months, PromoTix has low-fee and no-fee SaaS pricing, as well as patented marketing tools that drive attendance.

See investment terms

🛑 Every day I bring you markets news, insights, and low-brow humor for free. The only thing I ask is that you support our sponsors. Clicking and checking out PromoTix helps keep the lights on.

Filet-O-Miss

“You want fries with that?” - McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski at his new job if he doesn’t get his sh*t together soon

McDonald’s (+3.7%) hasn’t been this much of a sh*tshow since its (former) CEO was getting his Don Draper on with everyone with two X chromosomes at HQ.

The burger joint didn’t just miss on the top and bottom lines, but same-store sales fell for the first time since 2020. There’s only one menu item that can save it now…

So where did they go wrong?

The brand that’s as synonymous with America as freedom and pre-diabetes, was serving up hearty helpings of blame…

For starters, it pointed to consumers who are feeling “the pinch of the economy and a higher cost of living.” Read: everyone’s mom is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

And don’t for a second think you’re off the hook, Hamas. The company reminded us that boycotts related to the war in the Middle East are weighing on sales. You might recall that at the beginning of the Israeli/Palestinian conflict, McDonald’s took some heat when an Israeli franchisee said they’d be giving free food to Israeli defense forces.

McDonald’s wasn’t afraid to look in the mirror, either. It’s keenly aware that the price of burgers and fries is too damn high. Company brass promised to get its sh*t together by focusing on bringing value back.

Speaking of which…

McD’s $5 value deal was only live for a few days in the most recent quarter. But early signs indicate that consumers are really digging the cheaper food. Because, of course, they are.

+ Tim Apple (+0.1%) is pumping the brakes on Apple Intelligence (well, for the public, at least). According to reports, the company’s artificial intelligence suite will roll out in October.

For those of you who don’t cream yourself every time Apple releases a new Polishing Cloth update, that means Apple Intelligence won’t drop with the iOS 18 update. That’s tentatively scheduled for late September.

The new set of AI tools that Apple announced in June is expected to boost sales of the iPhone 16 (spoiler: that also launches in September).

Oh, and did I mention that the iPhone-ChatGPT integration will come even later this year?

This staggered launch approach could cause some confusion (and frustration) among casuals. Especially since AAPL is out here trying to be the AI for the people.

Apple needs more time to test the product (reportedly).

+ I see your fake account scandal, and raise you a fake interview controversy…

Wells Fargo (-1.3%) never stops innovating. Yesterday a judge decided that the bank must face a lawsuit brought by shareholders who allege that the company held fake interviews.

Why hold sham interviews, you ask? To show its commitment to diversity, of course. The company reportedly held interviews with non-white and female applicants it had no intentions of hiring.

You see, back in 2020 it promised that at least 50% of candidates it interviewed for jobs paying >$100,000 would be minorities, women or people in other disadvantaged groups.

Imagine being worse than Wells Fargo. You can’t.

Oh, and…

+ Google’s Olympics ad went viral for all the wrong reasons. Gemini is coming for letters to Santa next…

+ Spicy dispute over the origins of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos winds up in court. *Hulu greenlights ‘Flamin Hot’ sequel*

+ The first Fed interest rate cut in years is on the horizon. Here’s what homeowners, buyers need to know. People with adjustable rates can let out a sigh of relief…

+ These homeowners are ‘hacking’ their pools and lawns to earn extra cash. Back in my day, we called this renting your house out to OF creators.

+ Hack your Amazon shopping experience (they can’t stop you). Lauren Sanchez gonna be big mad when she finds out about these.

+ It might be time to put your savings into a high-yield account before it’s too late. Friendly reminder: the smart money expects a rate cut in September…

🔥 Businesses are losing $100 billion a year from ‘friendly fraud,’ report finds — and sometimes it’s an accident. Is this illegal? Asking for a friend…

FYI, TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. So, what are you waiting for? Start clicking.

⏪ Yesterday, McDonald’s and On Semiconductor reported before the bell. Tilray dropped earnings after the close.

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ P&G, Pfizer, BP, PayPal, SoFi, and JetBlue report before the open

+ Microsoft, AMD, Stryker, Mondelez, Starbucks, EA, and Pinterest drop earnings after the close

Yesterday, I asked, “Do you wish people happy birthday on LinkedIn?”

91.4% of you said HELL NO. At least a few of you admitted you only use the Happy Birthday message to further yourself/your career. I appreciate the honesty.

Here’s today’s question…

Saw this one on the interwebs…

+ Succession Reels will always be in heavy rotation

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.