Hey there weekday warriors,

Things just got a whole lot worse for Super Micro Computer. And OpenAI definitely isn’t giving Sam Altman any equity *wink wink*.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 41 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

+ US stocks “jumped Thursday, as the S&P 500 closed at a record high. Investors welcomed a slew of updates, including solid US economic data, Micron's upbeat earnings, and China's pledges of more stimulus.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year Treasury yield “rose on Thursday as investors assessed fresh jobless claims data.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “settled sharply lower Thursday as Saudi Arabia reportedly will abandon its unofficial $100 price target as it looks set to proceed with an OPEC+ plan to boost output in December.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin “is back to levels not seen in nearly two months as it pushed past the $65,000 mark during U.S. morning hours on Thursday.” (Coindesk)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Super Micro Computer -12.1% 2) Nvidia +0.4% 3) BlackBerry +6.2%

The market moves you need to know about…

– We’re Costco guys, of course, we beat earnings expectations (…and eat double-chunk chocolate chip cookies). While Costco managed a beat on the bottom line, it missed the Street’s top-line expectations ever so slightly. Shares fell 1.4% after hours.

+ Starbucks popped 1.9% after it caught an upgrade from Bernstein. This might come as a shock, but they’re bullish on the coffee chain’s new CEO.

Full cavity search

What’s the only probe worse than the anal variety? One from the Department of Justice…

The long arm of the law is about to be all up in Super Micro Computer (-12.1%)(presumably without so much as a courtesy hawk tuah).

The DOJ is investigating the server maker that has benefitted bigly from the AI boom. Shares have popped nearly 400% since ChatGPT was released in late 2022. And SMCI even earned an invite to the S&P 500.

The Justice Department didn’t outline what sort of shady sh*t it believes Super Micro Computer is up to, but it is seeking information from a handful of former employees. Some of whom accused the company of accounting manipulation…

We know this because short seller Hindenburg Research called out Super Micro for its lackluster accounting practices (among other things) last month.

Ok, maybe they were onto something…

Before you dismiss the short seller report, because “short sellers are the soulless bottom feeders of capital markets” (your words, not mine), consider this: just a day after the Hindenburg report, SMCI delayed filing its annual report.

Why? It said that it needs to double check its “internal controls.”

But Super Micro isn’t just (allegedly) cooking the books. It’s also out here engaging in black market trade (again… allegedly). According to Reuters (and Hindenburg), SMCI is illegally circumventing Uncle Sam’s export controls.

The server maker, which is about to be Super F*cked, stands accused of sending Nvidia chips to China inside their servers. One problem: those chips are banned from making their way into the hands of foreign adversaries. Send ‘em to Gitmo.

+ Welp, it’s a done deal. Sam Altman is 100% getting a giant equity stake in OpenAI as soon as it converts to a for-profit company.

How can we be so sure? Because following reports that Sammy GPT was getting 7% of OpenAI, the company held an all-hands meeting, denying Altman was about to be handed a “giant equity stake.”

During the meeting, Sam allegedly said, “there are no current plans here.” Listen, I’ve been in this game long enough to know that means OpenAI is about to back up the Brink’s truck.

The company’s CFO did say that investors have raised concerns about Sam’s compensation not being tied to the success of the company via equity.

There was one thing Sam did not deny, however. During an Italian Tech Week event (where the latest AI-enabled pasta makers and cheese graters are presumably on display) Altman said “we have been thinking about” transitioning to a for-profit money printing machine.

+ “I’m gonna give you three inches, baby.” - you… and Southwest Airlines

Imagine having an activist investor breathing down your neck, and the best you can do is offer up three extra inches of legroom. At Southwest’s (+5.4%) investor day on Thursday, the company outlined a plan that just screams, “we overpaid McKinsey for this.”

In an attempt to shed its image as an airline for peasants, S-Dub will begin offering extra legroom seats, assigned seating (gasp), international partnerships, and overnight flights.

Southwest also said it expects its Q3 revenue to climb 3% year over year, vs. an original forecast of -2%. Of course, most of those gainz are directly attributable to rebookings related to the CrowdStrike outage…

Shares of LUV popped. To be fair, so did every other airline thanks to oil prices dropping significantly.

Elliott went all “that don’t impress me much.” The activist investors said the “big” changes are “further evidence that Mr. Jordan [Southwest’s CEO who Elliott wants to oust] lacks the vision and capability to execute.”

+ Bad week for divorced middle-aged men who wear sunglasses on the back of their heads and drive a Miata.

Wednesday, we got news that Hooters hired advisors to address its $300M debt load. Then, yesterday, Salt Life said it was closing all of its retail locations after a bankruptcy auction.

Alright…

Yesterday, I asked, “Which VR headset are you hitching your wagon to?” 45.7% of you are choosing Meta Quest. Next up: Apple Vision Pro.

+ The 'most volatile ETF to ever hit Wall Street' launched in August - it's already been dethroned. What a time to be alive...

+ This 50-year-old concept is still the best way to make yourself productive, says expert: 3 simple ways to master it. Had no idea Adderall has been around that long.

+ People who are good at small talk do these 3 things and ‘reap the rewards.’

🔥 This couple in their 40s is worth nearly $1 million. Why they’re actually ‘broke’ according to one expert. Let me guess, dad likes betting the ponies and the smell of c*caine?

🔥 5 Housing Markets That Will Plummet in Value Before the End of 2025. Remember, kids: buy high, sell low.

FYI, TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. So, what are you waiting for? Start clicking.

⏪ Yesterday, Costco reported earnings after the close. And Southwest Airlines held its (disappointing) investor day.

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ August core PCE (inflation) data drops

Yesterday, I asked, “Choose one: the first 3 times you email anyone you spell their name wrong (you have to continue doing it even after they correct you) OR once a month the last picture taken/saved to your phone is randomly attached to one email?”

56.5% of you are sending the last picture on your phone. You guys need to send more spicy pics.

Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my thoughts in italics)…

• Pic: "Most of my pics nowadays are of my kid or my dogs. Boy have I gotten boring."

• Pic: "I look too disgusting to ever take a pic of myself nekkid and too repulsive for anyone else to allow me to see them nekkid, so it’s a pretty safe risk."

• Wrong names: "lots of accidental screenshots or ill-advised photos out" Honestly, it's the accidental screenshots I'm terrified of...

• Pic: "Only pictures I have are Moo Deng & Pesto"

• Wrong names: "F them, Tylor." Well played.

• Pic: "My life sucks, enjoy this picture of my kid or the fridge for grocery shopping" Hold up... that's brilliant.

And here’s today’s questions…

I’m watching the Cowboys-Giants game and just saw a Wingstop commercial, so…

+ Pretty cool guide to how 30 brand logos evolved over the years

🔥 Zoom calls really are just modern-day seances…

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.