Hey there weekday warriors,

Just in case you needed another reason to hate the kind of people who work at Blackstone, I’ll just leave this right here.

Here’s what else we’re getting into…

• Some huge M&A news in the entertainment space

• Coinbase gets rejected

• Citi putting safety first

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 2 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

- tyler

+ US stocks “rallied [last] week after the Fed in its policy statement Wednesday signaled lower borrowing costs in 2024." (Investing.com)

+ The 10-year Treasury yield “slipped Friday, adding to its sharp downturn this week, as traders brace for possible Federal Reserve rate cuts next year." (CNBC)

+ Oil "finished at a small loss following a see-saw session, in which prices fell more than $1 a barrel at one point on Friday, as traders tried to reconcile mixed signals for oil demand in the coming year." (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin hovered around $42k for most of the weekend.

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Tesla +0.98% 2) Visa -0.27% 3) Nvidia +1.12%.

For the kids

Goldman Analyst at Gem Saloon to the girl he’s hitting on: [yelling over inaudible 2000’s rap] “Yeah, so I’m working on a billion-dollar M&A deal, right now. I can’t really tell you who the client is, but it’s someone you’d know.”

The client in question:

That’s right, Charles Entertainment Cheese, known to his friends as Chuck E. Cheese, has engaged the prestigious investment bank Goldman Sachs to explore a sale… according to reports.

The entertainment powerhouse is putting its 600 locations up for sale.

Private equity players and the likes of Dave & Buster’s could be potential suitors. Because what PE shop wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to crush kids’ hopes and dreams to make room for cost cuts and restructuring?

How much? Asking for a friend…

In the indoor-playscape-and-mediocre-pizza-parlor-combo space, Chuck E. Cheese is unf*ckwithable. According to documents, the place where the “rich kids” in elementary school had their birthday parties expects to do $1.2B in revenue and throw off $195M in EBITDA.

It could fetch upwards of $1B on the open market.

Don’t call it a comeback…

Chuck E. Cheese and ghost kitchen Pasqually’s Pizza & Wings (anddd someone just found out that their favorite pizza spot is basically a Sbarro with skeetball) is owned by a consortium of investment firms. But not by choice…

They took ownership of the entertainment company when it filed for bankruptcy back in December 2020. Spoiler: parents didn’t want their kids playing in ball pits that are cesspools of filth and disease during a global pandemic.

The company last changed hands in 2014 for $1.3B.

+ Mortgage rates are dropping. Here’s what to expect in 2024 if you want to buy a home, experts say (Read)

+ Billionaire Warren Buffett Has A McDonald's Gold Card That Gives Him Free Meals For Life — Jokes 'So That's Why The Buffett Family Has Christmas Dinner At McDonald's' (Read)

+ Billionaire David Rubenstein reveals the biggest mistake investors make – here’s what he says you should do with your money (Read)

+ ICYMI yesterday... How Americans Spend Their Money, Broken Out By Generation (Read)

+ Turns out suing the SEC to force them to respond to your petition is not a good way to get the response you want…

The SEC just made Coinbase call it daddy. Coinbase had petitioned Gary Gensler and the SEC to write a new set of rules for crypto back in 2022. After months of being left on read, Coinbase sued for an answer. The judge said they couldn’t force the Shortseller Enrichment Commission’s hand… because they promised they’d answer in due time.

Well, on Friday, Coinbase finally got its answer: “f*ck yo couch.” The commission ruled 3-2 that current securities laws apply to crypto… and that Coinbase can go set up shop in Seychelles with the rest of the sh*tcoiners if it doesn’t like it.

Of course, it isn’t entirely surprising, given Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong’s critical comments about the SEC over the years. Like that time he called the SEC sketchy in a viral tweetstorm back in 2021. (Read)

+ We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday when they’re working from home. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week year… (watch)

Citi CEO Jane Fraser is taking a page out of “Corporate Downsizing, according to The Bobs.” Rumor has it that with massive layoffs coming which will begin this week (see: Project Bora Bora) Citigroup told employees they will be able to work from home for the remainder of the year. Which is super considerate, since it means fired employees will be closer to the shower where they will inevitably sit, curled up in a ball, weeping uncontrollably upon finding out they’ve been terminated. (Read)

+ DocuSign had one job… and it turns out that was part of the problem.

The e-sig company is putting itself up for sale, according to the WSJ. Shares rose more than 12% on the news.

But, before today, shares were roughly flat for 2023. And the stock has cratered from its ATH north of $300 in 2021 when it was benefitting from work-from-home policies and people generally not wanting to interact with other humans. Today, the stock is trading around $63. (Read)

+ Unlimited salad and breadsticks continue its reign as the greatest culinary innovation in modern history, while Olive Garden remains immune to the heavy burden of America’s insatiable appetite for endless food (Red Lobster has not been so lucky)…

OG’s owner Darden Restaurants reported a slight miss on the top line, but gave investors a bottom-line beat on Friday. The company, which recently brought Ruth’s Chris into its “fine” dining portfolio, upwardly adjusted its earning expectations for fiscal 2024. Shares fell roughly 1% on the day, though. (Read)

Here's what I'm keeping an eye on today...

Crickets…

On Friday, I asked What’s the best thing you’ve ever seen for sale at Costco?

#1 probably shouldn’t surprise you: the Costco hot dog combo. Golf clubs and the German Beer Advent Calendar also got some love. Can’t believe the $500 Jamon Iberico Bellota legs and the Ghillie suits didn’t get any love.

Here’s today’s question…

Warren Buffett gets free meals at McDonald’s for life. Happy Gilmore has a similar perk at Subway. So…

From what restaurant would you most want a Gold Card/Free Meals For Life perk?

Reply directly to this email. I’ll share the best answers tomorrow.

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of a God-fearing family man with sh*t-for-brains. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.