Hey there weekday warrior,

Tiny nicotine pouches might save the stock market. What a time to be alive.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 24 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

He died for our Zyns

(Warning: this content contains nicotine and should be consumed with this playing on loop)

Meanwhile in the memeconomy…

… the best-performing asset classes are tobacco-free nicotine pouches and a sh*tcoin backed by the President of the United States of America.

Yesterday, Philip Morris International $PM ( ▲ 0.1% ) (not to be confused with Altria) put earnings szn on its back with a Q1 that they’re going to write Harvard Business School Case Studies about.

PM beat easily on the top and bottom lines. And they’ve got Zyn to thank.

Shipments topped 200M cans (… to which every Zyn power user is saying “those are rookie numbers”). That’s 53% growth YOY. For all the oldheads out there, I’ve got some good news: “combustibles” (read: cigs) volume also jumped.

But that wasn’t what had investors feeling like they just shotgunned a white Monster, with two 6 mg lip pillows packed on each side of their mouth, while the Free Bird solo blasts from the JBL speaker…

Nope. The good times are just getting started. While other companies are slashing or pulling guidance altogether (or letting investors choose their own adventure like United) the cig maker formerly known as Altria is hiking its profit forecast.

To put that in perspective, the preferred fast-casual restaurant of Zynbabwe residents (read: Chipotle) reported a brutal quarter.

Why the f*ck does this matter, you ask?

Because the burrito chain has largely been immune to dips in consumer confidence. It was, dare I say, recession-proof. Welp, that all went the way of Chipotle in Q1 2025. The company missed the Street’s expectations and lowered its guidance, blaming waning consumer spending.

+ They just spit on Occupy’s grave.

Goldman Sachs $GS ( ▼ 0.09% ) shareholders just approved its executive pay proposal, and, surprise, surprise, it’s a good day to be a big swingin’ bank executive/really mediocre DJ. A 66% YES vote just pushed through a pair of $80M bonuses for CEO David Solomon and President John Waldron that require the duo to remain in place until 2030.

+ Signing off, chat.

Discord co-founder and CEO Jason Citron is stepping down from his admin permissions (read: CEO role). And in a move that smells a whole lot like whatever an IPO smells like, former Activision Blizzard $ATVI ( ▼ 0.04% ) Vice Chair Humam Sakhnini will take over as CEO next week.

Friendly reminder that Discord has been showing other symptoms of an upcoming IPO lately, which could be big given its 200M monthly active users and current $14.7B valuation...

+ “How could we get even LESS people to want to use this app?” - Meta, probably

Anyways, Threads will now have ads. Meta $META ( ▲ 2.65% ) is opening up Threads ad space to all “eligible advertisers globally,” which means we’ll all get to see a lot more “Nice try, diddy” comments when we accidentally open the Threads app. 

+ “In 2025, I bet we’ll have flying cars”

2025: Payment plans for burritos and loyalty points for student loan payments.

Bilt Rewards will begin offering rewards points for student loan repayments. And TIL that 5M student loan borrowers haven’t made a monthly payment in over a year and are just chilling in default…

Bilt is offering 1 point per $1 spent, with 1k points earning $10 in rewards. Can we really just not say 1% cash back anymore? Does everything have to be done in Schrute Bucks?

+ Define “self-sustaining economy.”

Paypal $PYPL ( ▲ 0.88% ) is launching a 3.7% yield on customer stablecoin holdings starting this summer, paid out in PayPal USD Stablecoin, obviously. Satoshi be like, “look how they massacred my boy.”

+ Neuralink is eyeing a $500M funding round at a potential $8.5B valuation. The only company scarier than AI right now is testing its first implant product to help people with spinal cord injuries. Wait, sorry, Black Mirror Season 7 already covered this story…

+ US stocks “leapt higher Wednesday after President Trump said he has "no intention" of firing Fed Chair Jerome Powell, easing Wall Street fears over the central bank's independence. Trump also softened his tone on tariffs, hinting that eye-popping duty levels on Chinese imports would ultimately be scaled back.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year yield “was unchanged on Wednesday after U.S. President Donald Trump backtracked on comments he made about firing Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “prices slipped 2% on Wednesday as sources said OPEC+ would consider accelerating its oil output increases in June, but losses were curbed following a report that U.S. President Donald Trump may cut tariffs on Chinese imports.” (Reuters)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ Boeing, AT&T, Vertiv, GE Vernova, Nextra Energy, Philip Morris, Thermo Fisher Scientific, Boston Scientific, General Dynamics, CME, and Amphenol reported in the AM

+ Chipotle, SERVICENOW, IBM, Lam Research, Texas Instruments, Viking Therapeutics, Discover Financial Services, O'Reilly Automotive, and Edwards Lifesciences dropped earnings after hours

+ Goldman Sachs held its annual general meeting.

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Procter & Gamble, Pepsi, Merck, Nasdaq, Bristol-Myers Squibb, Union Pacific, American Airlines, Mobileye, Comcast, Fiserv, L3Harris Technologies, Southwest Airlines, and Freeport-McMoran report before the bell

+ Alphabet, Intel, T-Mobile, Celestica, Gilead Sciences, Digital Realty Trust, and Kinsale Capital report after hours

Yesterday, I asked, “Only one can survive. The rest are wiped off the face of the Earth. Which are you saving?”

45.5% of you said Skittles.

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

• Skittles: “Don't eat cold cereal, mountain dew is just nasty crap, don't want my Cheetos hot. Process of elimination ”

• Froot Loops: “Froot Loops and Captain Crunch (mixed) have been a hangover recovery staple since 1987. ”

• Flamin’ Hot Cheetos: “Savory>Sweet. And f*ck the lying f*cks at Froot Loops. They all taste the exact same. The colors are bullsh*t. There's no different flavor. That's why they spell "froot" so fruity. ”

• Mountain Dew Baja Blast: “The bacteria in my Taco Bell counteracts any problems from the dye!”

Here’s today’s question…

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.