Hey there weekday warrior,

Zuck continues to give us smart glasses… even though we didn’t ask.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 16 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

Hypebeast

New way to identify virgins in public is about to drop…

Meta $META ( ▼ 8.96% ) is reportedly set to announce AR(-ish) enabled Ray-Ban sunglasses before the end of the year. Snitches on the inside spilled the beans on the smart glasses dubbed the Hypernova.

The Hypernova will look and feel a lot like the current Ray-Ban Meta, with one major difference: in addition to the camera and outie headphones (for real, what kind of sorcery is that?), the Google Glass’s younger cousin will have a screen in the lower-right quadrant of the right lens. And Nick Fury will be forever grateful for the choice.

The screen, which users will see when they look down and to the right (new “tech neck” just dropped), will show messages, photos, maps, and other apps. Which is great news if you don’t feel like looking down at your phone.

Speaking of your phone, you’ll still need the Meta View phone app to control your Hypernova (or, if you want to go analog, you can use the buttons on the temple bars.

Or you could use the “neural wristband” that Meta is also reportedly developing. Think: Livestrong bracelet meets Wii controller that will allow you to control your glasses by swiping, pinching your finger and thumb, etc.

Even though we’re still a handful of fiscal quarters away from mouth-breathers walking around with Hypernovas, the second iteration is already in the works. Those will feature… get this… screens on each lens.

Why?

Welp, it’s not entirely clear. Perhaps you recall that Google Glass and Snap Spectacles both failed spectacularly. I think in Silicon Valley they call it not finding Product Market Fit…

According to the Donnie Brascos who are “familiar with the matter,” the higher-end Ray-Bans will help Meta compete with the Apple Vision Pro… which like 17 people bought.

+ Not all heroes wear capes… some of them (presumably) wear Tommy Bahama shirts and drive Miatas…

Hooters officially filed for bankruptcy on Monday. But have no fear, horndogs… two franchisee groups, one from Tampa (checks out) and one from Chicago, bailed out the chain by buying nearly 100 company-owned stores. The show goes on.

But it’s not all good news for breastaurant connoisseurs. Hooters’ founders and the PE fat cats, who probably had a tough time explaining that investment to their wives, said they want to make the new Hooters more PG-13. The chain will reportedly walk back its bikini nights in hopes of attracting more families. And I think we can all agree we used to be a country, a proper country…

+ It appears that proxy advisors ISS and Glass Lewis were not fans of DJ D-Sol’s set at Ultra. Yesterday, ISS joined Glass Lewis in calling bullsh*t on Goldman $GS ( ▼ 9.21% )  CEO David Solomon’s $80M retention bonus. It recommended that shareholders vote against it at the bank’s upcoming annual meeting. John Waldron, D-Sol’s heir apparent, doesn’t deserve his bonus either, according to the haters advisors.

+ Roblox $RBLX ( ▼ 5.5% ) has a plan to make everyone forget that its platform is (allegedly) filled with the sort of people who can’t be within 1,000 feet of a Chuck E. Cheese. It launched new in-game video ads that will open up a whole new revenue stream. More importantly, the inventory will be available through Google’s ad network.

+ Live look at your aunt who paid for CNN+…

The only thing more abundant than the unrealized gains of Newsmax $NMAX ( ▲ 18.28% ) shareholders is the tears of liberals. The cable company mooned for the second day in a row (friendly reminder: Tuesday was only its second day as a publicly traded company). NMAX added 179% a day after soaring more than 700%. Probably nothing…

+ “Aw, how cute.” - Newsmax after seeing Coreweave’s $CRWV ( ▼ 12.32% )  stock price jump above its IPO price… finally. Shares popped 42% on their 3rd day of trading, helping save face after a sad, pathetic start.

+ Deny, defend… death penalty. Bad news for all of the middle-aged women ready to risk it all for a conjugal visit with Luigi Mangione. Attorney General Pam Bondi told the DOJ to seek the death penalty if he’s found guilty of murdering UnitedHealth CEO Brian Thompson. True crime podcasters’ heads will explode if he chooses McDonald’s hash browns as his final meal.

+ Millennial and Gen Z marketers at CPG brands have ruined April Fool’s Day.

+ US stocks “climbed on Tuesday in another volatile session as the market awaited clarity from President Donald Trump regarding his tariff policy rollout.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year yield “fell on Tuesday as investors digested some weak economic data, while also waiting details on U.S. President Donald Trump’s tariff policy.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “edged lower on Tuesday as traders braced for reciprocal tariffs that U.S. President Donald Trump is due to announce on Wednesday, which could intensify a global trade war.” (Reuters)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Visa -4.1% 2) Nvidia +1.7% 3) Hims & Hers Health +1.5%

⏪ Yesterday…

+ Sportradar hosted an Investor Day event

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ RH drops earnings after the bell

+ Details of the U.S. reciprocal tariffs will be announced

+ Nintendo holds a reveal event for the Nintendo Switch 2

Yesterday, I asked, “What is the GOATed ABC TGIF show?”

42.2% of you went with Full House.

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

• Full House: “Full House and ALF were the only American shows of the era that aired in Japan. Fully Dubbed. Legends.”

• Family Matters: “honestly all of them are goat status but Urkel eeks out the win ”

• Boy Meets World: “Only comment my dad ever made about the show was that Cory should've ditched Topanga for the ski resort girl he kissed.”

• Step by Step: “Al was my first crush”

• Sabrina the Teenage Witch: “Sabrina kept TGIF going pretty much by itself in the later years. It even inspired other supernatural sitcoms to be part of the block like You Wish and Teen Angel. They didn't get ratings but I liked them.”

And here’s today’s question…

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.