Hey there weekday warrior,

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

It’s your last chance to fill out the TWC Q2 2025 survey. Your answers will directly impact the future of the brand (no pressure). And if that doesn’t do it for you, I’m giving away $150 Amazon gift cards to 3 random weekday warriors who complete it.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 8 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills

Markets were more batsh*t than Amber Heard circa 2016 (see: poop gate)…

Don’t believe me? At 9:43 PM EST, the S&P 500 was down 4.5%. By 10:17, it had jumped to +3.4%. And by 10:43, it was down 2.3% on the day. Absolute anarchy.

WTF happened?

Welp, around 10:09, rumors began spreading on X that Donny Duties had planned to pause all tariffs (except for China) for 90 days.

Where’d the rumor originate, you ask? Walter Bloomberg (not to be confused with Michael Bloomberg or the eponymous data and news org he founded). Those of you who spend more time doomscrolling Fintwit than being productive members of society might be familiar with Walter’s work (he or she is probably the only anonymous Twitter account Business Insider hasn’t doxxed yet).

FT traced the rumor back to his account…

Just after 10:30, the White clarified that rumors of a tariff pause had been greatly exaggerated. And carnage ensued (again).

For the remainder of the day, the markets gyrated more violently than a meth addict at the Gathering of the Juggalos.

When it was all said and done, the S&P 500 closed down 0.2%. And, get this, the Nasdaq closed up slightly.

POTUS’ social posts throughout the day only had investors clenching their buttholes tighter. Trump took to Truth Social to threaten additional tariffs on China.

He proposed imposing an additional 50% tax on China in retaliation for their retaliatory tariffs on our retaliatory tariffs (still with me?), potentially beginning today.

“He can’t keep getting away with this.” - everyone on Wall Street who had supported Donny Politics

It probably didn’t help that everyone with a pulse and a place on the Bloomberg Billionaire’s Index is going all “stop stop he’s [the global economy] already dead.”

BlackRock’s CEO Larry Fink said most big swingin’ d*cks he talks to think the US is already in a recession, and warned that markets could fall further.

Bill Ackman believes the US is “heading for a self-induced, economic nuclear winter.” And Jamie Dimon thinks the trade war “may be disastrous in the long run.” Meanwhile, my 13-year-old cousin texted me “buy the f*cking dip, you lil b*tch.”

Last chance to have your say

Want to have a say in the future of The Water Coolest?

Welp, this is your last chance.

Help me help you by taking the TWC Q2 2025 Survey.

(BTW, I’m giving away $150 Amazon gift cards to 3 random weekday warriors who complete the survey.)

+ We might be about to get Iron Man Jarvis IRL, you guys…

Looks like OpenAI might be about to put the final nail in Apple’s $AAPL ( ▼ 0.19% ) sad, useless AI coffin. Apparently, Sam Altman has been sniffing around for a deal with Steve Jobs’ top design lieutenant Jony Ive, and his startup, io Products. Ive is best known for developing a little device you might’ve heard of (think: iPhone) and has been collabing with Sam for the last 3 years on a mystery AI hardware device. Now, OpenAI may be putting a ring on it with a full acquisition of io Products at a $500M+ valuation. 

We don’t have the full scoop on what exactly a “personal device” from Sam and Jony might look like. Some describe it as a smartphone without a screen, while others are saying it’s not a phone at all. And the Fl*shlight team is just hoping Sam and Jony aren’t getting into the personal pleasure game.

+ “Oh, so maybe it was us…” - Snow White producers 

The Minecraft movie just proved that the US box office isn’t actually dead (pour one out for Disney $DIS ( ▲ 0.41% ) ). A Minecraft Movie delivered weekend sales of $163M in the US & Canada (aka the 51st state) and locked in $150.7M in sales internationally. That’s the biggest debut so far this year.

Despite critics rating the movie a 48% on Rotten Tomatoes, iPad kids everywhere are selling out theaters and backing up the Brinks truck for Warner Bros $WBD ( ▲ 2.87% ). It’s the largest opening weekend ever for a movie based on a video game. Your move, Tomb Raider…

+ Spirit Airlines $SAVEQ ( ▲ 0.43% ) CEO Ted Christie is grabbing a (golden) parachute and jumping. Ted will step down from the role he’s held since 2019 now that Spirit has exited bankruptcy. Imagine trying to explain that gap in your resume.

+ “Boy, do I hate being right all the time” - Warren Buffett. The Oracle of Omaha’s move to sell stock and hold $300B in cash last year is reminding everyone that he’s still got his fastball. Turns out he’s literally the only member of the top 10 richest people in the world list who has seen their net worth rise this year (by $11.5B for those of you keeping score at home).

+ US Steel $X ( ▲ 1.17% ) shares mooned Monday after Donny Politics directed the Committee on Foreign Investment to review Nippon Steel’s buyout bid. So you’re telling me there’s a chance?

+ US stocks “whipsawed on Monday during a chaotic trading session that saw multiple headlines push around a jumpy market.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year yield “climbed back above the 4% level on Monday, even as President Donald Trump’s tariffs sparked fears of an economic slowdown.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “prices slid 2% to a near four-year low on Monday on worries U.S. President Donald Trump’s latest trade tariffs could push economies around the world into recession and reduce global demand for energy.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin “was trading down around 5% on Monday as global markets sank amid tariff tensions.“ (Yahoo! Finance)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ Levi’s reported before the bell

+ Fatpipe IPOed

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Walgreens and Tilray drop earnings before the bell

+ Cal-Maine Foods reports after hours

Here’s today’s question…

I’m bringing the referral program back.

Now I need to know what referral prizes you all want…

(No need to answer if you already left your feedback yesterday. And thank you for your service.)

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.