Today, we’re getting into the new Sapphire Reserve card, Andy Jassy saying the quiet part (about AI) out loud, and Zuck’s new sunglasses. But first...

In the June 18, 2019 edition of The Water Coolest, we covered The RealReal’s IPO. The online consignment was balls deep in its roadshow, preparing to raise $285M at $1.57B valuation. Just one problem: it was bleeding money. The site lost $75.8M on $207.4M in revenue in 2018.

And, welp, it still hasn’t figured out how to, you know, actually make money. Shares have plummeted 82% since its IPO, and if I’m being real with you, it’s probably lucky it’s not worse.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 17 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

“Yeah, so it’s called the Sapphire Reserve. It’s made of military grade alloy and comes with access to the best airport lounges. Did I mention I travel a lot for work?”

If you thought JPMorgan $JPM ( ▲ 0.38% ) Chase Sapphire Reserve cardholders were insufferable, hold onto your 10x points on participating hotels, because it’s about to get much, much worse…

The official card of Deloitte consultants and BMW owners just got a little bougier. The card that’s the stuff of Amex management’s nightmares is getting its first upgrade in nearly 10 years.

First, a 45% fee hike. The Sapphire Reserve will run you $795 annually beginning next week.

“brUH, BuT tHe REwArDs!”

It appears that when he isn’t busy yelling at single moms to get back in the office, Jamie Dimon is scheming up new ways to keep affluent consumers happy. He’s hoping that the laundry list of new perks will help customers justify the highest fees in the credit card game.

In its announcement, JPMorgan tallied $2,700 in annual benefits. Stuff like…

A business variation will also be available if you need a card that tells vendors that you make inappropriate comments to your secretary, without telling them.

Ok, but why?

Well, for starters, because in what has to be the biggest “first world problem” there is, the more fiscally endowed amongst us are complaining that too many people are allowed in airport lounges.

And Chase isn’t about to sit around and lose its biggest spenders to its competitors like Amex and Capital One. Chase upped the ante with the Sapphire Reserve, and it’s not willing to let Amex come off the top rope with a better card… which it plans to do with an update to its Platinum card later this year.

Ready for next semester? June is a key time to assess how you’ll cover college costs. And considering federal aid often isn’t enough, you might have to consider private student loans.

You’re just in time, though—most schools recommend applying about two months before tuition is due. By now, colleges start sending final cost-of-attendance letters, revealing how much you’ll need to bridge the gap.

Understanding your options now can help ensure you’re prepared and avoid last-minute stress. View Money’s best student loans list to find lenders with low rates and easy online application.

See Money’s Top Lenders

+ Ok, don’t freak out… but the CEO of the second-largest employer in the US just confirmed every VP of Finance and Associate Director of Procurement’s worst nightmare: they might lose their cushy job moving logos around a PowerPoint slide because of AI…

Amazon $AMZN ( ▼ 1.33% ) CEO Andy Jassy said the quiet part out loud in an internal memo (that was probably written by ChatGPT): “We will need fewer people doing some of the jobs that are being done today, and more people doing other types of jobs. It’s hard to know exactly where this nets out over time, but in the next few years, we expect that this will reduce our total corporate workforce.”

Andy Commerce is by far the biggest swinging d*ck to admit what we all kind of knew but were too afraid to admit. Leadership at Klarna and Shopify also recently hit the entire listserv with missives outlining the importance of using AI and being brutally honest about what it could mean for corporate America.

+ Good news, divorced dads. Meta smart glasses are coming to a pair of white Oakleys near you. They will presumably drop as part of a capsule collection with Salt Life and Tommy Bahama…

You see, Meta $META ( ▼ 1.93% ) is expanding its line of smart glasses to Oakley and Prada. Both brands are made by EssilorLuxottica, which also manufactures Ray-Ban, Zuck’s first partners in crime.

Not unlike the Ray-Bans, the newest editions will feature mics, speakers, and a camera for convenient recording without consent. The partnerships will open up new demos as the smart glasses wars heat up.

+ PGA Commish Jay Monahan don’t want that (Saudi Arabian) smoke. After letting some of the biggest stars jump ship to a rival league and refusing to take Mohammed bin Salman’s d*ck out of his mouth (see: bending the knee to LIV), Jay is hanging up his spikes. He’ll transition (think: retiree, not Caitlyn Jenner) out by the end of ‘26.

He’ll be replaced by NFL Exec Brian Rolapp… kinda. Technically, B-Roll will be the Tour’s first CEO. The league switched its model after creating a for-profit arm and taking on a $1.5B investment. Oh, and they presumably paid McKinsey high 6 figures to confirm MBS would prefer negotiating a LIV/PGA tie-up with a CEO vs. a commissioner.

+ Jamie Dimon: “I’d rather kick puppies than let JPMorgan customers buy bitcoin.”

Also Jamie Dimon: “Meet our new stablecoin.”

The biggest bank in the US is piloting a stablecoin called JPMD. Institutional clients will be able to make transactions using the new crypto, which represents US dollars. Super original, you guys.

It’s probably just a coincidence that GENIUS Act, which outlines a regulatory framework for stablecoin, got the green light from the Senate on Tuesday. Next stop? The House…

+ US stocks “were lower on Tuesday as investors pored through the latest developments in the Middle East, with the Israel-Iran conflict raging on for a fifth day.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year yield “fell on Tuesday after retail sales narrowed more than Wall Street economists had expected, lifting bond prices and raising concern that the economy is headed for a slowdown or even a recession.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “climbed over 4% on Tuesday as the Iran-Israel conflict raged with no end in sight, though major oil and gas infrastructure and flows have so far been spared from substantial impact.” (Reuters)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ The US Census Bureau dropped the May Retail Sales report

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ The FOMC will make its interest rate policy announcement, and J-Poww will hold a press conference

Yesterday, I asked, “Do you use WhatsApp?”

61.8% of you said “Hell no.”

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

Here’s today’s question…

Oh, and one more thing…

Sent from my Trump T1 Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.