TOGETHER WITH

Hey there weekday warrior,

Kohl’s CEO was doing his best Kevin Gates impression.

Enjoy the next 5 minutes and 2 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

TBD

“F*ck if I know.” - every CFO right now

There’s only one thing CEOs like more than sleeping with the help… and that’s a get out a jail free card.

And for the first time since “supply chain disruptions” (sup, Ever Given), corporate fat cats have a AAA-rated excuse: tARiFf UncErTaiNtIes.

As CEOs deliver Q1 earnings (read: pre-tariffs), they’re laying the groundwork for a nightmarish Q2… that definitely, 100%, totally won’t be their fault.

Apple $AAPL ( ▲ 0.53% )  reported a top and bottom line beat for the first quarter of 2025… which might have had something to do with everyone stocking up on cheap iPhones before they’re assembled in Omaha.

But Tim Cook’s comments during the earnings call presumably put a sh*t eating grin on Warren Buffett’s face (friendly reminder: The Oracle has wound down his yuge stake). AAPL expects tariffs will cost it an extra $900M… at least.

And Store Brand Steve Jobs warned things could get worse, “because I’m not sure what will happen with tariffs.”

Meanwhile, in Seattle…

Amazon also beat on the top and bottom lines. And not unlike its fellow Mag 7 member, the cloud service provider with an e-comm side hustle got out in front of the looming sh*tstorm. Andy Jassy shared that Amazon expects Q2 operating income to come in between $13B and $17.5B. Just one problem: the Street was hoping for $17.64B.

They also made sure to give it the asterisk treatment. You know, just in case. AMZN said its guidance is subject to change thanks to "tariffs and trade policies" and "recessionary fears."

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+ Brutal day (well, worse than usual) for Detroit (RIP Pistons)…

GM $GM ( ▲ 0.32% ) just did its best to set the bar as low as possible with some updated guidance. The OG ‘merican-made automaker now expects full-year net profit to land in the range of $8.2-$10.1B. Friendly reminder: those numbers were previously projected to be more like $11.2-$12.5B. Oof.

As expected, tariffs are the culprit. GM said it expects to face a giant $4-$5B tariff bill for the year. Believe it or not, CEO Mary Barra’s plan to reduce that bill is to (brace yourself) actually build cars in the US… 

+ Live look at a new group of 241k Americans right now…

Initial unemployment claims jumped last week to 241k. And continuing claims hit 1.9M, the highest level since November 2021. Nonfarm payrolls for April from the Labor Department drop today… and what’s the worst that could happen?

+ “Now, were these meet-ups just personal, unrelated to business?”

Kohl’s $KSS ( ▼ 4.96% ) just fired its CEO, Ashley Buchanan (because Ashley can be a dude’s name too), for some shady dealmaking. Apparently, Ashley’s been directing millions of Kohl’s vendor dollars to his “buddy” Chandra Holt’s vitamin business, Incredibrew, without disclosing their 10+ year relationship. 

Since Ashley doesn't kiss and tell (… which is part of the problem), and because I know you were wondering, the relationship was reportedly of the romantic variety. After an outside investigation directed by the Kohl’s board, Ashley is out of a job (and $2.5M of his signing bonus), and Kohl’s is back on the hunt for CEO #5 in the last 7 years.

+ Kids these days…

+ McDonald’s $MCD ( ▲ 0.06% )  reported mixed results for the quarter with a top-line miss and a bottom-line beat, with a side of same-store sales dropping 3.6%. That’s its worst decline since the 2020 Covid lockdowns. Shares were like the McFlurry machine (read: down bad).

+ Anthropic just announced some upgrades to its Claude AI. Turns out the bots can now assign tasks on Asana $ASAN ( ▲ 0.35% ) , create invoices on PayPal $PYPL ( ▼ 0.31% ) , and analyze reports on Square $XYZ ( ▲ 0.5% ) , among other new integrations, which will really free you up to spend more time with your AI girlfriend.

+ Microsoft $MSFT ( ▲ 0.13% ) is pumping prices on the Xbox due to “market conditions” (read: tariffs). Friendly reminder that Nintendo $NTDOY ( ▼ 3.73% ) already raised prices for the Switch 2, and Sony $SONY ( ▲ 1.02% ) is expected to do the same, at least in Europe and several other countries. The Xbox Series X will jump up to $600, and recommended pricing for major games will hit $70.

+ US stocks “rose on Thursday after strong quarterly results from two Big Tech players eased concerns that artificial intelligence progress would slow amid economic turmoil.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year yield “moved higher Thursday following reports that the U.S. economy fell into contraction in the first quarter and inflation readings were flat in March.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “prices settled nearly 2% higher on Thursday after U.S. President Donald Trump threatened secondary sanctions on Iran after a fourth round of U.S.-Iran talks was postponed.” (Reuters)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ Eli Lilly, Mastercard, McDonald's, Roblox, CVS Health, Moderna, Hershey's, Estee Lauder, KKR, Cameco, Linnde, Howmet, Builders FirstSource, Wayfair, Sirius XM, Kellanova, The Southern Company, Carrier, W. W. Grainger, Air Products & Chemicals, Dominion Energy, and Medical Properties Trust reported before the bell

+ Amazon, Apple, MicroStrategy, Airbnb, Reddit, Block, Duolingo, BigBear.ai, Roku, Twilio, Atlassian, Riot Platforms, Zeta, Maplebear, Amgen, Stryker, DexCom, Canadian National Railway, Motorola, GoDaddy, and Lumen reported after the bell

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Exxon Mobil, Chevron, fuboTV, Shell, Cigna, T Rowe Price, Eaton Corp, DuPont de Nemours, and Franklin Resources report before the bell

+ The April US Jobs Report drops. Hold on.

Yesterday, I asked, “You have to choose between one of the following. What are you doing?” (Taking $1M right now OR flipping a coin for $1B)

53.1% of you answered “Taking $1M of straight cash, homie. No catch.”

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

• Taking $1M of straight cash, homie: “Need a cash infusion, besides if you give me a billion I'll die before I get to the bottom of that anyways ”

• Flipping a coin: “Probabilities and Statistics class taught me that Option 1 is the mathematical equivalent of $500M, and Option 2 is the mathematical equivalent of $1M. So, you have to choose the first, right? (unrelated, I didn't do that well in probs and stats)”

• Taking $1M of straight cash, homie: “Sure money is better than ZERO”

• Flipping a coin: “$1M would barely buy me a 3bed/2bath townhouse in any part of the the DMV where I'd actually want to live (i.e., not in suburbia) and I already have that. ”

• Taking $1M of straight cash, homie: “Taking a guaranteed $1M cash with no chance of losing instead of only a 50% chance at getting $1B. Statistically a no brainer.”

• Flipping a coin: “I can’t retire or buy my mega yacht with a measly mil”

Here’s today’s question…

No pressure…

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.