Hey there weekday warriors,

We’re only 37 days into 2024, but the race for mom of the year is over. Elizabeth Holmes spent time making memories that will last a lifetime with her kids this weekend.

Here’s what else we’re getting into today…

• McMixed earnings

• Snap layoffs

• Novo Nordisk’s fat acquisition

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 9 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

- tyler

PS, check out today’s partner, LMNT. Just add it to water to make sure you get enough sodium, potassium, and magnesium to feel and perform your best.

+ US markets “fell Monday as Treasury yields spiked higher on concerns that the Federal Reserve may not cut rates as much as expected. Lackluster results from McDonald’s also dampened investor sentiment.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year Treasury yield “jumped for a second consecutive day as investors weighed the path ahead for interest rates and the notion that cuts may come later than expected." (CNBC)

+ Oil prices “rose about a dollar a barrel on Monday on concerns that tensions in the Middle East and Russia's ongoing invasion of Ukraine could curb global supplies.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin “slumped on Monday as U.S. interest rates continued to soar on strong economic data and Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell reiterating his hawkish stance from last week.” (Cointelegraph)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Nvidia +4.79% 2) Tesla -3.65% 3) Palantir -1.76% AH: +17.94%

The market moves you need to know about…

– You’re not going to believe this, but… another company Softbank made a yuge bet on during a low interest rate environment is on the brink. Genetic test maker Invitae fell 77% on reports it’s preparing for bankruptcy.

– New York Community Bancorp dropped another 5.6% as investors remain wary of its commercial real estate loan portfolio. It dragged the KBW Nasdaq Regional Banking Index down 2.1%.

+ Bowlero just went all “Who do you think you are? I am!” BOWL rose 15.7% after reporting an earnings beat and girthy outlook for 2024.

– DocuSign fell 8.4% on news that a deal to take it private is close to falling apart.

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Dem Franchize Boyz

McDonald’s reported mixed earnings before the bell, despite $18 Big Mac meals and $6 hash browns. The Golden Arches beat on the bottom line, but missed sales expectations.

Now, CEO Chris Kempczinski would never point fingers… but gun to head, there are two groups with which CK has a bone to pick.

F*cking around and finding out…

The McCEO blamed turmoil in the Middle East for slowing international sales. He also pointed to boycotts in predominately Muslim countries in the Middle East and elsewhere (looking at you, Malaysia and Indonesia). It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for ‘em.

To be fair, Kempczinki also blamed the poors for lackluster sales. The CEO said, “The battleground is certainly with that low-income consumer.” Eat the poor, amirite?

It makes sense, considering most of the chain’s same-store growth came from price hikes in the US. And it probably explains McDonald’s rollout of new burgers (spoiler: it’s trying to justify those higher costs and attract more affluent consumers).

You want excuses with that?

And McDonald’s was already spin zoning the current quarter. It said it’s seeing a “slower start” thanks to strong comps from a year ago and bad weather. Bad weather is the economic equivalent of a woman telling you she can’t hang out because she has to wash her hair…

Shares fell ~4% on the day.

What does it all mean? McDonald’s is a fast food chain that identifies as a quick service restaurant at the moment. It wants to win over the poors… but also wants to keep raising prices and get its Five Guys on. Pick a lane.

+ Insurers such as State Farm and Allstate are leaving fire- and flood-prone areas. Home values could take a hit (Read)

+ Morningstar called this investor the biggest “wealth destroyer” (Read)

+ Mortgage rates jump back over 7% as stronger economic data rolls in (Read)

~ ICYMI... 31-year-old self-made millionaire: 2 costs I find worth the money, even if I’m usually frugal (Read)

+ Snap HR pitching Evan Spiegel on how to encourage in-person collaboration: “We should mandate employees be in the office 4 days per week.”

Evan Spiegel: “Ok, but what if we also lay off 10% of the company?”

Snap announced that it was laying off about 500 employees, which amounts to ~10% of its global workforce. The rationale? At least partially to “promote in-person collaboration.” Couldn’t they have just offered free bagels in the office on Friday? Shares fell ~3% on the day.

Why should I care? More cringey “get fired with me” Tiktoks are inbound. There have been 24k big tech layoffs in January 2024 alone. Companies like Snap are seeing Meta’s year of efficiency paying off finally. Expect things to get worse before they get better.

+ It’s called vertical integration… look it up…

Novo Nordisk has decided to control the means of production. NN’s holding company is buying Catalent for $16.5B. Catalent fills and packages the needles for Novo Nordisk’s Wegovy and Ozempic. Think: the prescription drug equivalent of the child laborer in a South American jungle packaging up booger sugar.

Big picture. Novo Nordisk has a fever and the only prescription is more Wegovy and Ozempic. This move could help overcome massive shortages as absolute units seek out the performance enhancing drugs. (Read)

+ "Pookie is looking absolutely fire after hours.” - Palantir investors

Palantir shares popped 17% after the company reported a top-line beat and a profit that met expectations yesterday. The company whose material risks include “world peace” offered an outlook that was roughly in line with the Street’s expectations.

Turns out it wasn’t just CEO (and hair icon) Alex Karp mentioning AI demand no less than 6,000 times during the company’s earnings call that sent shares mooning. Its fourth consecutive quarter of profitability means PLTR is eligible for inclusion in the S&P 500… (Read)

Here's what I'm keeping an eye on today...

+ Eli Lilly, Toyota, Amgen, Ford, BP, Snap, e.l.f. Beauty, and Spotify report

My prediction of tomorrow’s TWC headlines, today…

~ Crystal ballin’… “[Another rich, influential person] says that Elon had a serious drug problem.”

After WSJ dropped a “bomb” that Elon likes the smell of cocaine and the taste of MDMA, Larry Ellison said he invited Elon to Hawaii to dry out. If I had to guess, Larry won’t be the last snitch…

Yesterday, I asked What’s the best podcast in the game?

No real surprises here…

1) Joe Rogan Experience

2) Pardon My Take (it was VERY close between #1 and #2)

3) Smartless

Some honorable mentions: All In, The Tim Dillon Show, Spittin Chiclets

Shoutout to the real ones who gave The Family Office some love. RIP to Large, Intern Ian, and I.

Here’s today’s question…

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional