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Today, we’re getting into Hims vs. Novo, Tesla’s Robotaxi rollout, and WW3 updates. But first...

In the June 24, 2019 edition of The Water Coolest, we reported that Goldman CEO David Solomon, aka DJ D-Sol, had just dropped the song of the summer. And honestly, Rescue Me still goes pretty hard…

The fun police on the Goldman Board forced Davey Day Parties to hang up his headphones in 2023 amid “increased media scrutiny.” And by that, they meant Solomon absolutely botching GS’s foray into consumer banking.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 25 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

PS, loving The Water Coolest? Forward it to someone who probably needs Wegovy (or a Hims knockoff). If you CC me ([email protected]), I’ll send you both something.

PPS, did someone with great taste (who thinks you need to stop mainlining calorie-dense foods and start injecting semaglutide) forward this to you? Subscribe here.

Ok, hear me out… Hims starts marketing knockoff Xanax to its investors now that all that sweet, sweet semaglutide money is going the way of Wegovy users’ appetites…

Hims $HIMS ( ▲ 6.76% ) has lived by the weight loss drug, and now it’s dying by the weight loss drug. Novo Nordisk $NVO ( ▲ 1.2% ) pulled the plug on its relationship with Hims & Hers yesterday.

Why?

The Danish pharma bros called bullsh*t on Hims after it failed to stop selling Wegovy knockoffs… even though Novo had offered it the real thing.

Quick history lesson…

Hims and a bunch of other Instagram telehealth companies took advantage of a legal loophole that allows pretty much anyone to sell patented drugs (like Wegovy) if the FDA signals that there is an official shortage. Unfortunately for Hims and everyone else who got their start slinging gas station b*ner pills on the interwebs, the weight loss drugs came off the “shortage” list in May.

Novo threw Hims and a few other online pharmacies a bone and allowed them to sell the real stuff.

Hims fumbled the bag…

Novo was big mad Hims was double dipping. It was selling the real thing while still compounding knockoffs (spoiler: those are much higher margin). The company, that apparently never heard of ‘ladies first,’ says it had no choice but to continue making the copycat drug because it’s medically necessary for some patients…

Both sides threw shade at each other on X and Novo plans to lawyer up, so it’s safe to assume it’s back to slinging snake oil hair growth gel for Hims. Or at least that’s what investors expect. Shares fell just shy of 35%.

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+ Listen, no one ever said that Robotaxis have to drive like a baby back b*tch...

Hours after Tesla $TSLA ( ▼ 0.66% ) Robotaxis hit the road in Austin (sans drivers), videos began to emerge of the autonomous vehicles getting their Paul Walker on. According to a handful of snitches, the Robotaxis are traveling above the speed limit, swerving into the wrong lane, and dropping off passengers wherever they damn well please.

But investors didn't seem to give a single f*ck that Robotaxis almost took families of four walking to Joe Rogan's Comedy Mothership from Franklin BBQ. TSLA popped more than 8% after Elon called the Robo-rollout a “great success” (… presumably in a Borat voice).

+ “Boy, that de-escalated quickly.” - Ron Burgundy

Last night, President Trump announced a US-brokered cease-fire between Israel and Iran. But don’t hang the “Mission Accomplished” banner just yet. By time you’re reading this, sh*t may have hit the fan… again. In fact, things were already starting to unravel. Around 10 PM EST, Iran’s foreign minister tweeted that there was no deal (… but there could be one very soon). I think it’s safe to say this situation is more fluid than a freshman in a fine arts school.

All this comes just hours after Iran “retaliated” against the US for its attack over the weekend. Iran gave the US a heads-up that it’d be firing missiles at a base in Qatar. Qatar’s air defense systems intercepted the sorry excuse of aggression. There were no casualties or injuries, unless you count the broken spirits of the leadership in Tehran.

To add insult to injury, markets soared and oil dropped after investors realized your grandmother with a broken hip has a better chance against John Cena than Iran has vs. the US x Israeli collab.

+ Not that most of us care because we either 1) can’t afford a house and live with our parents or 2) would never give up a 2.5% mortgage rate, but…

Compass $COMP ( ▲ 1.59% ), the largest brokerage in the US, is suing Zillow $Z ( ▲ 0.75% )… and, yeah, they might be onto something. Compass is butt hurt that Zillow has set up rules which force sellers and agents to list homes on the site. Your favorite house p*rn platform now demands that any new home listing must be published on Zillow within one day… if it ever wants to get listed on the site (where pretty much everyone starts their home search…).

To be fair, Zillow’s move is a reaction to Compass’ f*ckery. They’ve been accused of marking their listings as “private” or “coming soon” so they don’t get picked up by real estate search engines (and usually sell via private transaction).

+ US stocks “rose and crude prices tumbled Monday as investors breathed a sigh of relief that Iran’s response to the U.S. attacks over the weekend was more restrained than expected.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year yield was “lower Monday as crude oil prices dropped, lessening the inflationary impact of energy costs on the economy. Bond prices also rose as Federal Reserve Governor Michelle Bowman said she would favor an interest rate cut at the next policy meeting in July so long as inflation pressures stay muted, echoing a call made by Fed Governor Christopher Waller on Friday.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “settled down more than 7% on Monday, losing more than $5 a barrel after Iran took no action to disrupt oil and gas tanker traffic through the Strait of Hormuz, but instead attacked a U.S. military base in Qatar in retaliation for U.S. attacks on its nuclear facilities.” (Reuters)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ The Existing Home Sales report was released by the National Association of Realtors

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Carnival reports this AM

+ FedEx reports after hours

+ Jerome Powell to testify to the House Financial Services Committee

Yesterday, I asked, “In 5 years, who will be the biggest AI winner?”

25.9% of you said “Nvidia.”

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

Here’s today’s question…

We're going to start handing out an award for the person or organization from the previous week that made us feel good about ourselves by f*cking up spectacularly. Think about it like the Nobel Prize for Being a Dumbass in Business. Or SportsCenter's Not Top 10 for Capitalism.

We talk about them all week in the newsletter, so let’s crown a king or queen of the knuckleheads on Friday.

Just one problem: we need a name for this Grammy-award-for-people-who-are-about-to-be-at-the-recieving-end-of-a-shareholder-class-action-lawsuit…

Help me choose one...

This kinda makes me sad…

But this makes me happy again…

Oh, and one more thing…

Made in America & Sent from my BlackBerry Storm 2. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.

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