TOGETHER WITH

Hey there weekday warrior,

Starbucks just got a whole lot less fun.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 10 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

+ US stock “indexes were split on Monday as gains for oil-and-gas producers helped offset drops for Nvidia and other Big Tech companies.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year yield “touched a fresh 14-month high as investors looked ahead to key inflation prints.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “prices climbed about 2% to a four-month high on Monday on expectations that wider U.S. sanctions on Russian oil would force buyers in India and China to seek other suppliers.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin “briefly dropped below the $90,000 mark on Monday as investors continued to dump growth-oriented assets such as crypto and tech stocks.” (CNBC)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Trump Media & Technology Group +21.5% 2) Nvidia -1.9% 3) Advanced Micro Devices +1.1%

The market moves you need to know about…

– Quantum stocks took a dive (again) after Zuck backed up Jensen Huang’s trash talk about how far away useful quantum computing remains. Monday’s biggest losers included: Rigetti Computing and D-Wave Quantum slumping 32.2% and 33.6%, respectively. Zuckbot went on Rogan and estimated that we’re likely still a decade-plus out from quantum computers taking over the world. Wonder if D-Wave Quantum CEO Alan Baratz will try to fight Zuck too… seems unlikely.

– Moderna shares sunk 16.8% Monday after slashing its sales guidance by ~$1B. Moderna now expects 2025 revenue to land between $1.5B to $2.5B, most of which will be fueled by its Covid vax. Are you happy now, Joe Rogan?

Me on April 12th (ok, 13th): *tries to remember online tax prep login*

Also me: "F*ck my life"

Waiting until the last minute to do your taxes isn't just painful... it's costing you real money.

Especially if you have a complicated tax situation.

Luckily, there's still a chance to maximize opportunities from last year. Don't say I never gave you anything.

But this isn't the kinda stuff DoMyTaxes4Cheap.com (I swear, whoever clicks this link instead of the sponsor is getting unsubbed) is going to tell you about.

If you're a business owner or have a complex tax situation, the best way to optimize your taxes is to work with someone who understands your unique circumstances.

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By joining Gelt before January 31, you’ll receive an accurate calculation of your taxes due by April 15, ensuring you’re prepared and ahead of the game. How refreshing.

No shirt. No shoes. No poors.

“No soup wifi for you!” - Brian Niccol

Bad news for everyone writing the next great American novel at their local Starbucks: now your freeloading a** needs to actually buy something.

Brian Niccol, the new CEO of Starbucks (+1.4%) is rolling out a new code of conduct that includes no freeloading (… or freebasing in the bathroom). Beginning January 27th you won't be able to hang out at a Starbucks cafe (or use the bathroom) if you don't buy anything.

That reverses a 7-year policy that allowed non-paying customers to post up at a Starbucks (read: do drugs in the bathroom and leave upper deckers for the baristas to deal with).

To clear up any confusion, the fun police will add signage in Starbucks cafes banning harassment, violence, threatening language, outside alcohol, smoking, and panhandling. Or as Dunkin refers to it: “Our core values.”

And before you go all "I'll just ask for a Venti water," H20 will be restricted to customers.

This isn't Bry-guy's only move to Make Starbucks Great Again…

In addition to ending its reign as America's public restroom, SBUX is bringing back its condiment bar (think: add 17 sugars to your own coffee without two pumps of judgment from the blue-haired barista) and writing customer names (incorrectly) on cups.

+ Steel companies have a fever, and the only prescription is to buy US Steel…

Just weeks after Biden killed Nippon’s deal to buy US Steel (+6.1%), competitor Cleveland Cliffs (+5.9%) and rival Nucor (+3.9%) are considering putting together an offer. And here we go…

The new bid is expected to land somewhere in the high $30s per share, which is a pretty steep discount compared to Nippon’s offer of $55 per share. *Shareholders punching the air right now*

And don’t forget US Steel and Nippon Steel are currently suing Cleveland-Cliffs, alleging they colluded in blocking the original sale. The secret ingredient is hostile takeovers.

+ It feels fitting that a billionaire who is batsh*t crazy on Twitter wants to buy a company named after a billionaire who was actually batsh*t crazy…

Bill Ackman has an idea so crazy it probably won’t work: he wants to buy the outstanding shares of real estate developer Howard Hughes Holdings (+9.5%) that his Pershing Square hedge fund doesn’t already own (currently has a 31% stake).

But Dollar Bill isn’t just interested in developing planned communities. He wants to turn HHH into a Baby Berkshire: “With apologies to Mr. Buffett, HHH would become a modern-day Berkshire Hathaway that would acquire controlling interests in operating companies.”

+ Instagram is acting like that guy who texts your ex the day you break up with her…

The head of Instagram (Meta -1.2%) Instagram just hit TikTok users with a fire emoji and slid into the DMs with “u deserve better fr.” On Monday, Adam Mosseri posted a video outlining IG’s priorities for 2025, which mainly seem to revolve around making all those soon-to-be-ex-TikTok users feel right at home on Reels. On the checklist: improving creative tools (read: Reels video editing) to make creating content easier.

Meanwhile in DC… things aren’t looking so hot for TikTok. On Friday the Supreme Court grilled the app’s legal team about its ties to the People’s Republic and appeared to side with the Biden administration (that TikTok should be banned or sold). SCOTUS could drop its final verdict any time…

+ New holiday retail sale data dropped on Monday. And Abercrombie & Fitch (-15.6%), American Eagle (-4.5%), and Urban Outfitters (-2.0%) all shared updated sales guidance that beat expectations… thanks to Americans spending money they don’t have. But because everything is made up and the points don’t matter, they all got outlined in chalk.

+ OpenAI CEO Sam Altman: The new No. 1 ability you need to succeed—it’s not raw intelligence. It’s a small ($8M-$10M) loan from your wealthy parents.

🔥 Mark Zuckerberg praises benefits of ‘masculine energy,’ says DEI ‘culturally neutered’ corporate America. The gender-neutral bathrooms don’t stand a chance.

FYI, TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. So, what are you waiting for? Start clicking.

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Producer Price Index data drops

Yesterday, I asked, “If you could ask one question during a job interview and they had to answer truthfully, what would you ask?”

To the surprise of literally no one, "How much are you actually willing to pay me for this job?" won.

Here’s what some of you had to say (and my thoughts in italics)…

• Other: “How much day to day bullsh*t and micro-management is there? Would use this to negotiate my salary... the more bs the higher the price.”

• Other: “Are you offering me a job so you can lowball someone you really want to take the job?”

• What was the real reason the last person in this position left? “Fingers crossed it was for snitching to HR regarding the cocaine fueled orgy.”

And here’s today’s question…

+ What’s the worst that could happen if Elon bought TikTok?

🔥 Explaining to your mom that you day trade Fartcoin

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.