TOGETHER WITH

Hey there weekday warrior,

Today has gotta be the worst day in the Pelosi household since… well, you know.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 29 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

No stocks for you

Tell me you suck at insider trading without telling me…

Senator Josh Hawley is running back his push to ban members of Congress (and their spouses/side pieces) from trading stonks while in office​.

ICYMI, the bill is called "PELOSI Act": Preventing Elected Leaders from Owning Securities and Investments. *chef’s kiss* No notes.

You might recall that the Pelosi family's stock-picking prowess makes Renaissance Technologies look like Melvin Capital.

Similar legislation stalled out last year, but now both parties are hopping on the 'no stocks for you' train. Even Trump said he'd "absolutely" sign it.

For years, attempts to curb Congress’s financial f*ckery met opposition on Capitol Hill… because, of course, it did. But with public outrage peaking and even House Dems suddenly on board, “this time is different.”

So what’s in it?

Hawley’s bill would stop lawmakers from buying or selling individual stocks altogether, forcing them to stick to diversified funds or boring bonds instead​. Paul Pelosi about to hammer (too soon?) single stock ETFs.

And when (not if) anyone in DC tries to get cute, they'll have to pony up their ill-gotten gains to Uncle Sam, plus a 10% penalty… and presumably a 30-day all-inclusive stay in CECOT Prison in El Salvador.

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+ Your friend who had a drop-shipping biz in 2012, was slinging PPE in 2020, and started a TikTok shop in late ‘23, has got a new get-rich-quick scheme: OpenAI shopping…

OpenAI just dropped a new feature that shops for you. As of Monday, ChatGPT can search for, compare, and purchase products on external websites. Right now, it only works for specific categories of products (think: electronics, fashion, beauty, home goods). And now Shopify’s AI manifesto makes a lot more sense…

+ “Asking for a friend… do these robots require bathroom breaks?” - Bezos, probably

UPS $UPS ( ▼ 0.84% ) slid into Figure AI’s DMs to chat about using some humanoid robots to eradicate human jobs power its shipping network. No clear details yet on where exactly robots would fit in, but Figure gave us this sneak preview back in February. Figure is currently looking to raise $1.5B at a $39.5B valuation.

+ Breaking: Zuck just admitted he does have secret tunnels (presumably filled with lizard people)…

+ Tax firm Andersen Group has filed for its IPO…

Sound familiar? That’s because it’s the carcass of Arthur Andersen (yes, the “Big 5” accounting firm that went tits up because of its Enron cover-up). A handful of ex-Arthur Andersen bean counters set up shop in the aftermath of the scandal. And honestly, that’s like the Pet.com founder being like “Ok guys, here me out… we lose the .com.”

And the name might not even be the worst decision. Its plan to go public is questionable at best. Even Klarna, Chime, and others have put their IPO plans on hold given the current sh*tshow market uncertainty.

+ NXP Semiconductors $NXPI ( ▲ 1.39% ) shares sank Monday after announcing that CEO Kurt Sievers would be stepping down. NXP reported a Q1 top and bottom line beat, but Kurt killed the mood with his “challenging set of market conditions” spiel (… which is the same line I’ve been telling my wife about my poor performance lately).

+ Bezos finally shot something potentially useful into space... Amazon’s $AMZN ( ▼ 0.68% ) Project Kuiper just sent up its first 27 satellites from Cape Canaveral to threaten Starlink’s internet-on-satellite market dominance. Bezos is looking to have 1,618 satellites in orbit by 2026. Friendly reminder: Starlink currently has ~7.5k deployed…

+ “Buy it. Don’t think about it, buy it.” Palo Alto Networks $PANW ( ▲ 1.43% )  announced it’s acquiring Protect AI, a startup that specializes in security for AI. Terms not disclosed, but considering it has AI in the name, Palo Alto definitely overpaid.

+ US stocks “closed mixed on Monday but recovered from sharp losses to begin a big week of heavyweight earnings reports and macroeconomic data that will continue to paint an early picture of the US economy's response to President Trump's tariffs.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year yield “fell on Monday as investors look ahead to an active week of economic data, including readings on jobs, economic growth, and inflation.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “fell more than $1 a barrel on Monday morning as economic worries from the U.S.-China trade war were pressuring demand.” (Reuters)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ Domino's Pizza reported before the bell

+ Waste Management, Cadence Design Systems, NXP Semiconductors N.V., Nucor, and Brown & Brown reported after the bell

+ Canada held a snap federal election to determine all 343 seats in the House of Commons

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ SoFi, PayPal, Spotify, Coca-Cola, Pfizer, UPS, Altria, S&P, General Motors, Honeywell International, BP, Kraft Heinz, HSBC, Royal Caribbean, AstraZeneca, American Tower, Hilton, Sherwin-Williams, Ecolab, JetBlue, Corning, and Brinker International report before the bell

+ Visa, Starbucks, Booking, Snap, First Solar, Fair Isaac, Mondelez, Seagate, and W.P. Carey drop earnings after hours

+ Meta Platforms will hold its first-ever LlamaCon event. Logical next step after doing Theo Von’s pod…

Yesterday, I asked, “Who had a worse weekend?”

75.0% of you said Shedeur.

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

• Shedeur: “Bill's still got the arm candy...Shedeur got bent”

• Bill: “Shedeur became the guy a lot of haters are now rooting for. ”

• Shedeur: “Bill is still getting tip from a 20 something year old crazy town smoke ”

• Bill: “His balls are officially on the shelf”

• Shedeur: “It was a sad day, bad day for Shedeur that only got worse when the Browns finally drafted him. ”

Before we get to today’s question…

Have you shared The Water Coolest yet today?

I’ll give you a $10 Chick-fil-A gift card just for referring your friends.

Here’s today’s question…

“Who would win: 100 men or 1 gorilla?” went viral over the weekend. So let’s settle this.

Some assumptions:

• The gorilla is a full-grown, male, silverback

• The men are athletic, but not like “The Rock athletic”

Ok, which one of you?

freezertarps

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Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.