TOGETHER WITH

Hey there weekday warrior,

Big tech M&A is so f*cking back.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 11 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

Nobody beats the Wiz

Happy merger Tuesday to all who celebrate.

Yesterday, news dropped that Google $GOOG ( ▼ 1.78% ) had signed a “definitive agreement” to buy cloud security startup Wiz (no relation to the electronics giant that walked so Best Buy could run) for $32B. Annnnd the antitrust regulators have entered the chat.

For those of you keeping score at home, this will be Google’s biggest acquisition of all time (yes, this is the same Google that bought Android and YouTube…)… and it’s not particularly close. Its second-biggest acquisition was Motorola ($12.5B in 2012).

If it feels like you’ve already seen this movie, it’s because you have.

Back in July, Google offered to buy Wiz for $23B (no, I am not dyslexic). Wiz, which sounds like the name of a one-man interpretive dance show, based loosely on The Wizard of Oz, playing at an experimental theater in Williamsburg, laughed at Google’s sad excuse of an offer and said it would rather go public.

So what changed?

Welp, it turns out the IPO market is about as hot as your parent’s sex life right before their loveless marriage ended in divorce. So going public wasn’t exactly an option.

Plus, suddenly the FTC is more open-minded than a gender studies major at NYU. You might recall that for the past few years, the Biden administration had cracked down on capitalism M&A via the FTC, which cited antitrust concerns. #47 appears to be much more chill about dealmaking.

Still, the acquisition will almost certainly get probed (the full cavity variety) by the feds. This is a big f*cking deal for a company that’s got a target on its back right now.

You might recall that last year, a judge ruled GOOG holds a monopoly in the search market. And there’s still a very real chance the company could be forced to break up (but probably not if Sundar Pichai’s $1M donation to Donny Politics has anything to say about it).

Pulling an Uber in the $500 Billion Smartphone Industry

Imagine turning down Uber at a valuation of $10 million only to watch them go public at over $80 billion.

That’s exactly what happened to Mark Cuban… a 823,900% return, gone.

And by the time we hear about industry-changing disruptions like this, it's usually too late… but right now there’s a tech-startup making waves behind the scenes. Like Uber turned vehicles into income-generating assets, they’re turning smartphones into the easiest passive income source imaginable.

They were named the #1 fastest growing software company by Deloitte in 2023 and have already earned over +$325M for their customers.

This tech startup is Mode Mobile, and unlike Uber you have a chance to invest in their company at just $0.26/share before they go public.

Here’s how you can invest and even earn 100% bonus shares for a limited time.

See ad disclosures below.

+ The Chinese EV wars are heating up, and Tesla cannot stop taking Ls. Yesterday, Chinese electric carmaker Zeekr $ZK ( ▼ 5.61% )  announced that it’s releasing advanced driver assistance to local customers… for free. Zeekr EVs will be able to drive to and from pre-set destinations as the CCP continues to approve self-driving regulations. I’ll save you the Google search Perplexity chat: Tesla’s Full Self Driving software currently costs ~$9k in China… 

Meanwhile, yet another Chinese EV competitor (BYD) is making the DOGEfather regret all that time he spent playing Diablo IV instead of grinding. BYD shares pumped after it announced its new technology that can reportedly charge EVs in just 5 minutes. To be fair, this is the same country that brought us “dEePSeEk OnlY CoST $6M tO BuILD!” The new quick-charge tech, which will definitely not cause any cars to explode, doubles Tesla’s charging rate.

+ It’s so over for WebMD…

Google $GOOGL ( ▼ 1.4% ) just announced new updates to search that will serve up new information on healthcare-related issues based on opinions from other regular folks. “What People Suggest” (that’s really the best name they could ask Gemini to come up with?) will allow users to search through online comments for healthcare advice. You know, that thing we’ve all already been doing for decades instead of paying for a doctor’s appointment.

+ Shots fired. Frontier $ULCC ( ▼ 7.82% ) is running a promotion for free checked bags all summer after Southwest $LUV ( ▼ 4.66% )  rolled out checked bag charges and effectively changed their slogan from “Bags Fly Free” to “f*ck you, pay me” last week.

+ SpaceX cleaning up Boeing’s $BA ( ▲ 0.38% ) mess like the janitor at Bonnie Blue’s 1k point game.

Remember those astronauts who got stuck on the International Space Station after their ride home (a Boeing shuttle) was deemed unsafe? Barry Wilmore and Sunita Williams got picked up yesterday from the ISS and touched down in the evening after their unexpected extra 9 months in space. Welcome home, nerds.

+ Jensen Huang showed up to the Nvidia $NVDA ( ▼ 1.37% ) GPU Technology Conference to announce the new Blackwell Ultra and Vera Rubin chips. Obi Huang Kenobi is the only one who can save the Magnificent 7 at this point…

+ US stocks “pulled back Tuesday as a sell-off that has engulfed Wall Street in recent weeks resumed after two straight winning sessions.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year yield “was lower Tuesday as investors looked ahead to the Federal Reserve’s monetary policy decision Wednesday.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “prices eased about 1% on Tuesday as U.S. President Donald Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin discussed moves to end the three-year-old war in Ukraine, which could result in a possible easing of sanctions on Russian fuel exports.” (Reuters)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Visa +0.07% 2) Nvidia -3.4% 3) Hims & Hers Health -9.2%

⏪ Yesterday…

+ Xpeng reported in the AM

+ Jensen Huang gave a keynote at Nvidia's GTC event

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ General Mills reports in the AM

+ Five Below drops earnings after hours

Yesterday, I asked, “Do you drink 'prebiotic' soda (think: Olipop, Poppi etc.)?”

86.1% of you don't drink Olipop, Poppi, or any of the other "prebiotic" sodas (whatever the f*ck that actually is…)

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

• No: “$2 for a soda? It better make me sh*t gold bullion.”

• No: “have tried it, but it just doesnt taste good”

• Yes: "gotta have something other than booze during the week right?"

• Yes: "It's a great vodka mixer.”

• No: “My old a** doesnt even know what that is. And I'm too busy buying divy stocks to look it up." Boomer.

And here’s today’s question…

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.

Ad Disclosures

1 Mode Mobile recently received their ticker reservation with Nasdaq ($MODE), indicating an intent to IPO in the next 24 months. An intent to IPO is no guarantee that an actual IPO will occur.

2 The rankings are based on submitted applications and public company database research, with winners selected based on their fiscal-year revenue growth percentage over a three-year period.

3 A minimum investment of $1,950 is required to receive bonus shares. 100% bonus shares are offered on investments of $9,950+.