Hey there weekday warriors,

RIP Etsy & American Airlines. On Friday, after the bell, Standard & Poors announced which companies would be added to/cut from the S&P 500 index.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 30 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

+ “The S&P 500 dropped Friday, notching its worst week since March 2023, as investors assessed the fallout from a weak August jobs report and ditched leading technology stocks.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year Treasury yield “fell Friday after August’s nonfarm payrolls report showed an easing labor market, fueling concerns of an economic slowdown.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “settled 2% lower on Friday, with a big weekly loss after data U.S. jobs data was weaker than expected in August, which outweighed price support from a delay to supply increases by OPEC+ producers.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin actually rebounded a bit from its Friday lows ($52k). So it’s got that going for it.

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Nvidia -4.0% 2) C3.ai +0.8% 3) Intel -2.6%

The market moves you need to know about…

– “BTFD” - literally every analyst after Broadcom’s brutal earnings report on Thursday. Still, it did little to help the stock. Shares closed down 10.3% on the day.

– You might have had a bad week, but you definitely didn’t have as bad of a week as Coinbase. Shares fell 7.7% on Friday, marking its 9th straight day of declines. In the previous 8 days, it lost nearly 22% of its value.

Hate it or love it…

Looks like most of you agreed with the analysts. Per our poll on Friday, 68.1% of you Love Broadcom over the next 12 months.

It's not me, it's you...

American Airlines, Etsy, and Bio-Rad Labs (which kinda sounds made up) just got designated for assignment. Or, for all the European weekday warriors out there, they just got relegated…

The companies will need to update their LinkedIn to “former members of the S&P 500.”

The powers that be at Standard & Poors shook things up on Friday, booting the airline that wouldn’t be in this mess if it wasn’t for Boeing’s incompetence and the glorified online flea market platform turned Temu knockoff.

So, who’s in?

Palantir (+0.5% // +7.8% after hours), Dell (-4.8% // +4.9% after hours), and Erie Indemnity (+2.0% // +2.9% after hours) all just got access to the index equivalent of the Roxbury. Being welcomed to the exclusive club comes with perks… like funds that track the index needing to buy shares to rebalance their own portfolios. Which is probably why Palantir and Dell jumped after hours.

This isn’t Dell’s first rodeo. The company that gave us the “dude you’re getting a Dell” guy was a member of the index from 1996 to 2013. And the only reason it lost its spot is because Michael Dell took the company private.

The company has found its way back to the promised land thanks largely to investors’ confidence that it could be an AI winner. Shares have risen nearly 40% this year.

Palantir only recently became eligible for the S&P 500. Turns out S&P Global has higher standards than you did in college. A company has to have reported a profit in its most recent quarter and posted a cumulative profit over the past 4 quarters to get an invite. Apparently, companies are not penalized for their CEO’s batsh*t behavior and/or facilitating coups in third-world countries…

Madden S&P 500 curse

If recent history is any indication, an S&P 500 invite might be worse than a pump-up speech by Drake. Two of this year’s additions are Crowdstrike and Super Micro Computer. Perhaps you’ve heard of them (for all the wrong reasons)?

SMCI has lost ~25% of its value in the last month. And Crowdstrike is dealing with the fallout from causing the biggest IT disaster in human history.

+ Remember that time Uncle Sam f*cked up the official payrolls data by 818k total jobs over 12 months? Welp, it appears they have learned absolutely nothing.

You see, on Friday we got August’s jobs report. The data indicated the US added 142k jobs. And while it was below expectations, it wasn’t the nightmare print some were fearing. Plus, it was well above July’s anemic 89k jobs.

But, that doesn’t mean investors didn’t lose their damn minds and sell off in a major way as fears of a recession gripped markets. The problem? The Bureau of Labor Statistics Snafus slashed July’s already piss-poor reading and cut June’s print in a major way.

Unsurprisingly, this had markets expecting the BLS to do the same with August’s data.

+ Another day, another CEO who can’t help but dip his pen in the company ink…

Or, in this case, ‘run train.’ The CEO of Norfolk Southern Railroad, Alan Shaw, is being investigated for an “inappropriate workplace relationship.” Read: he was sleeping with the help.

The company has brought on outside counsel to probe Alan (which is ironic, because he’s used to doing the probing). And I think I might know who’s paying for the lawyers running the investigation. An activist investor tried (and failed) to oust Shaw earlier this year…

Of course, they had good reason. He handled the East Palestine train derailment about as well as Better.com’s CEO handled layoffs that one time. To be fair, Alan was probably busy clapping cheeks…

+ *WallStreetBets users lick their chops*

There’s some fresh meat for the mouth breathers to start buying up: Big Lots (+9.1% // -39.8% after hours)

Why, you ask? Because it’s about to file for bankruptcy (or might have already done so by the time you’re reading this).

The closeout store hopes it can avoid closing its own doors, though. It’s looking to sell its 1,400 depressing locations where dreams (and home goods) go to die.

Big Lots succumbed to the same pressures bringing Dollar General and Dollar Tree to their knees: slower spending among its shoppers. Oh, and Amazon eating its lunch.

What else?

+ Boeing Starliner returns to Earth empty, months later than planned. How mad were those astronauts stuck in space watching this thing land safely on Earth?

+ Time snubs Elon Musk from 100 most influential people in AI — but includes Scarlett Johansson. Listen, we’ve all seen Elon Musk with his shirt off in that one picture… we know why Scar Jo made it and he didn’t.

+ Starboard moves to collapse News Corp’s dual class stock in challenge to Rupert Murdoch. Pretty sure this was a sub-plot in Succession…

+ Common buying act that exposes your age: ‘Never felt more attacked.’ This better not be about avocado toast…

+ Amazon Prime offers more than just speedy delivery. Don't miss these 10 hidden perks that can enhance your membership. Holy sh*t, you guys, did you know they have a whole a** streaming service?!

+ Reddit CEO shares the daily habit that’s helped him succeed the most: ‘You have to actually do those things’. Daily habit #1: never take career advice from anyone on Reddit.

+ Top 10 people most likely to reach trillionaire status. #1: Not any of us…

+ 4 Brilliant Ways to Build Wealth After 40. Sell one (or both, if you’re feeling dangerous) of your kidneys…

🔥 These are the top 10 highest-paying college majors — two have six-figure starting salaries. Bad news Art History majors…

FYI, TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. So, what are you waiting for? Start clicking.

⏪ Friday, we got arguably the most important jobs report of the year.

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Oracle reports after the bell

+ Apple holds its “It’s Glowtime” event. Spoiler: it will give details about the iPhone 16 (including the release date), offer updates on its suite of AI tools, and make iOS 18 available.

Yesterday, I asked, “What band/musician’s tickets are worth a 10-hour wait on Ticketmaster.com (just so you can pay 2x face value?)”

Most of you said “no one", which is the correct answer, by the way.

And nearly every band/musician you did think was worth it physically cannot get back together (think: members of the 27 club)…

1. Tupac

2. Nirvana

3. Led Zeppelin

Here’s today’s question…

+ I truly hope that none of you told a joke so funny last week that HR wants to hear it today. This is a bad way to start the week…

+ An absolutely wild story about how a real Don Draper convinced women to smoke cigarettes in the 1920s.

dude,

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.