Hey there weekday warrior,

Today, we’re getting into OnlyFans’ (potential) acquisition, tariff updates, and Nvidia’s worst chip yet. But first...

In the May 27, 2020 edition of The Water Coolest, we covered the beginning of the end at Quibi. Advertisers started asking to defer payments because ‘rona boi was wreaking havoc on their businesses… but mostly because Quibi’s performance was more pathetic than yours after a 4-5 whiskey drinks. Despite raising $1B, Quibi only managed to convince 1.5M users to sign up for a free 90-day trial in the first month or so.

You likely recall (give the amount of shade thrown by this newsletter) that Quibi ended up throwing in the towel by December 2020. RIP in peace.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 41 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

OnlyFunds

Kid: Mommy, how did we get so rich?

Mom: Daddy’s PE firm took a big swing on the gig economy in 2025.

That sound you heard was every analyst raising their hand to be part of due diligence for the OnlyF*ns’ deal.

OF’s parent company, Fenix International, is reportedly in talks to sell for $8B.

The buyer? The horniest investment firm in the game: Forest Road Company. I think I speak for everyone when I say “bonk”…

Leonid Radvinsky, OF’s owner, is apparently looking to get the f*ck out of the biz. Presumably to try and avoid the fate of pretty much everyone else in the smut biz (see: Hugh Hefner and that guy from Girls Gone Wild).

In Forest Road’s defense, OF prints cash. You see, the site takes a cut of every creator manifesting her daddy issues. Leo is notoriously tight-lipped (which is more than the gig workers on the platform can say) about finances, but we do know OF did $485M in profit (yes, bottom line) in 2023 (most of which went directly to Rad).

I’ll just leave this right here in case you’re still not convinced s*x sells…

But there is a Jason Luv amount of baggage that comes along with buying this sort of thing. Namely, accusations a s*x trafficking. P-Hub, which is literally the 19th most visited site in the world, failed to find a buyer for nearly 3 years.

It doesn’t help that most of the buyers with enough money to acquire the sorts of sites that sling tasteful noodz (namely private equity) get a bunch of their $$ from pension funds that don’t want to be associated with this kinda thing.

It might sound crazy, but there's a much easier way to pay down debt faster…

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No interest means you could pay off the debt faster.

Now it’s time to find the right card…

Some of the top credit card experts identified one of their favorites that puts interest on ice until nearly 2027 AND offers up to 5% cash back on qualifying purchases.

Start paying down debt faster with this top pick.

+ One step forward, two steps back…

First, the good trade war news…

For the first time since their rendezvous in Lake Geneva (where the two sides presumably did trust falls and two truths and a lie icebreakers) earlier this month, China and US officials hopped on a Zoom call to discuss trade. Not a whole lot of deets, but a good sign that talks are progressing…

There was also some ok (?) news out of Europe…

But not before some drama on Friday, when Donny Duties said that trade talks between the EU and US were stalling. So much so that POTUS said he was ready to bend the bloc over his knee and give them a spanking (in the form of a 50% tariff, which would go into effect on June 1st).

By Sunday, his tune had changed, though. DJT spoke with EU leaders who asked for a trade talk extension. Mr. President was happy to oblige. The EU and US now have until July 9th to figure out a deal (friendly reminder: that’s also when the original 90-day timeout ends for all reciprocal tariffs aka Liberation Day Part Deux).

Now the bad news…

In a social post on Friday, POTUS warned Tim Apple $AAPL ( ▲ 1.64% ) that moving manufacturing of iPhones to India from China wasn’t good enough to avoid tariffs. He reminded Apple that any iPhones made outside of the US will be subject to 25% tariffs… which will actually still be cheaper than making them here.

+ “Best I can do is this sh*ttier Blackwell chip.” - Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang to China. After Uncle Sam cracked down on Nvidia $NVDA ( ▲ 1.24% ) sending a slightly dumbed-down version of its most powerful chip to China, the big swinging chipmaker has created an even “lighter” version. It will be cheaper and less powerful… but on the bright side, it will still be part of the Blackwell line.

+ Name something more American than POTUS announcing a deal to keep US Steel in the land of the free and the home of the brave on the Friday of Memorial Day Weekend. I’ll wait…

#47 announced a “partnership” between US Steel $X ( ▲ 0.83% ) and Nippon Steel $NPSCY ( ▲ 1.6% ) that caught pretty much everyone off guard. Nippon first attempted a takeover of US Steel in 2023. Joey Politics went all Dikemebe Mutombo on ‘em, denying the acquisition due to national security concerns.

Donny Deals wasn’t so quick to block another attempted deal, indicating that he’d prefer an investment vs. a takeover. It’s called the Art of the Deal… look it up. It’s not entirely clear how the deal (investment?) will be structured, but we should find out more about how it will add $14B to the US economy when Trump speaks in Pittsburgh this week.

+ McDonald’s $MCD ( ▼ 0.52% ) can’t stop taking Ls. The home of Snack Wraps and pre-diabetes couldn’t figure out how to sell Krispy Kreme to its customers… and now it’s ending its foray into a drinks-only concept restaurant. The golden arches will shutter CosMcs, its first new restaurant idea in more than 60 years, which was being tested in a handful of locations in Illinois and Texas.

+ What could possibly go wrong?

President Trump signed an executive order overhauling the Nuclear Regulatory Commission (read: the people making sure we don’t get our Chernobyl on). The EO focuses on speeding up the approval of nuclear licenses, expanding uranium mining and enrichment in the US, and allowing nuclear facilities to be built on federal land. Nuclear stocks like Oklo and NuScale went, well… nuclear.

+ US stocks “fell on Friday to register weekly losses as investors assessed President Trump's latest tariff threats and the potential impact of his massive tax bill on the deficit and the economy.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year yield “retreated on Friday after President Donald Trump ramped up trade tensions with Europe.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “steadied Friday, but were still on track for weekly losses, as renewed oversupply concerns that OPEC+ may agree to another increase in production levels.” (Reuters)

⏪ On Friday…

+ FTSE Russell announced which stocks will be added to or removed from the Russell indexes

+ The New Home Sales report was released

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ PDD and AutoZone report in the AM

+ Okta reports after the bell

On Friday, I asked, “How many pairs of sunglasses are we going through this summer?”

48.3% of you said “I've had the same pair for at least 5 summers.”

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

• I've had the same pair for at least 5 summers: “Don't be a child”

• 1: “I've nicknamed my sunglasses "Lazarus". Lost them several times and they just keep coming back.”

• 2: “I have a backup cheap pair that I wear in case drinking is involved.”

• 3: “Its science: The more expensive they are, the faster I lose them.”

• 4: “I'm getting corrective eye surgery next week, I'll be trying all the new styles this summer.”

• 6+: “Lost a lot of Oakley’s off the boat in Bermuda. ”

Here’s today’s question…

This might be the only argument bigger than rescuing dogs vs. buying dogs…

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.