Hey there weekday warriors,

Sure, your portfolio might not have beat the S&P 500 in 2023. But it could be worse, you could have been a short seller. Shorts posted legendary numbers last year (I mean that in the worst way possible), accumulating nearly $195B in paper losses.

Here’s what else we’re getting into today…

• Peloton x TikTok is coming

• The NCAA just secured the bag

• Walgreens disappoints investors

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 9 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

- tyler

PS, there’s an important EXIT INTERVIEW today. I’m bringing back the referral program and need your feedback. I would appreciate it if you scrolled allll the way to the bottom to answer (it’s multiple-choice).

+ US stocks “were mixed after the close on Thursday, as gains in the Healthcare, Financials, and Telecoms sectors led shares higher while losses in the Oil and gas, Consumer Services, and Technology sectors led shares lower.” (Investing.com)

+ The 10-year Treasury yield “ticked higher Thursday following the release of fresh employment numbers that indicated the labor market was still going strong." (CNBC)

+ Oil “settled lower on Thursday in a choppy see-saw session, as massive weekly gasoline and distillate stock builds overshadowed a larger-than-expected crude stock draw.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin “rose on Thursday, recovering some of its losses from the previous day, when the cryptocurrency sold off on concerns about the potential of a bitcoin exchange-traded fund approval that many expect as soon as next week.” (CNBC)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Marathon Digital +12.10% 2) Apple -1.27% 3) Tesla -0.22%.

PeloTok

Peloton is like the deadbeat dad that shows up every few years at your birthday with $25 Chili’s gift card. And you think “this is it, this is the time that he gets his act together.”

But alas, you’re wrong. He’ll always be just like Shawn Hunter’s dad…

That’s kinda what it feels like being a Peloton investor. The maker of stationary bikes for elites everyone gives investors a glimmer of hope, then reminds them that deep down it’s still just a bottom feeder. A few months back, it announced a partnership with Lululemon that sent shares mooning…

And yesterday it unveiled a deal with TikTok. Together the companies will launch a fitness hub called #TikTokFitness Powered by Peloton… and ensure your fitness data falls into the hands of the CCP.

Think of it like a glorified Peloton TikTok channel, which will serve up short-form content (there’s about to be SO much more Cody Rigbsy in your feed) and classes (obviously).

It makes sense…

Not only is Peloton trying to stop the (financial) bleeding. But it’s in the middle of a transformation to become a fitness hub for all. And what better place to reach everyone than the social media app where literally everyone is?

Of course, the move makes sense for TikTok, because the app (like all social media apps) only cares about one thing: keeping users in its ecosystem. And it turns out videos of hard-bodied fitness instructors and free workout classes are a good way to do that.

Investors likey

Shares of PTON shot up 14% on the news. To be fair, shares are down ~96% from its PR set back in 2021 at the height of the stay-at-home-workout craze, more commonly known as COVID lockdowns.

+ High earners have a little-known option to boost 401(k) plan savings: It’s ‘the best place’ to save more, expert says (Read)

+ McDonald's $18 Big Mac Meal Goes Viral Again As Fast Food Minimum Wage Hike To $20 Triggers Fears Of Skyrocketing Prices And Layoffs, Leaving People Questioning: 'Maybe This Went Up Way Too Fast' (Read)

+ ICYMI... Mortgages, auto loans, credit cards: Expert predictions for interest rates in 2024 (Read)

+ Livvy Dunne be like, “You’re welcome, NCAA…”

The NCAA just inked a massive new deal with ESPN worth $920M. The Shohei Ohtani contract of broadcast deals, if you will. It’ll pay the NCAA $115M over 8 years beginning this September. That’s roughly 3x bigger than the current deal.

The rights include 40 NCAA championships, 21 of which are women’s sports. ESPN will also get exclusive international broadcast rights to all 40 championships and the entire men’s basketball tourney (eat a d*ck truTV). 

Next up? NBA TV rights, which commissioner Adam Silver hopes to renew before the 2024-2025 season. (Read)

+ I’ve got some good news, and I’ve got some bad news, Walgreens Boots Alliance shareholders. The good news is that the company beat easily on the top and bottom lines when it reported yesterday.

And the bad news? Welp, Walgreens isn’t going to become a dividend king after all. After 47 years of hiking its dividend, WBA cut its quarterly payout from 48 cents to just 25 cents. What’s the opposite of dividend aristocrat?

The reason for the move was simple: new CEO Tim Wentworth is ready to make Walgreens great again by investing in growth. Tim said most investors “are excited about the fact that we’re going to have additional capital to invest in the core business in a way that stimulates growth again.”

So that was a f*cking lie. Shares fell more than 5% on the day. (Read)

+ The American mind cannot comprehend this… 

French grocery chain Carrefour is pulling Pepsi products (that includes Frito-Lay) from its shelves in France, Italy, Spain, and Belgium. Instead of Pepsi products, consumers will find a sign that indicates their soda and chip fix isn’t available “due to unacceptable price increases.”

This isn’t Carrefour’s first rodeo. It butted heads with big consumer brands last year when it launched a PR stunt calling out companies getting their “shrinkflation” on.

Shares of Pepsi were down ~1% on the day. (Read)

+ Intel literally cannot catch a break. Not only does it suck at chip-making, it’s not even a good investor. Mobileye, a chip manufacturer with a focus on the auto industry, got crushed (fell ~25%) after it lowered its full-year guidance. Intel holds an 88% stake in Mobileye, after having spun the business out in 2022. (Read)

+ Apple is having a worse 2024 than Android users. It caught its second downgrade in a week. Once again, analysts cited weak iPhone sales. AAPL hit a 2-month low and is down nearly 3% on the year… (Read)

Here's what I'm keeping an eye on today...

+ The December jobs report drops and that’s all that really matters

Yesterday, I asked Are you ok with your Starbucks (or go-to coffee spot) allowing customers to bring their own cup?

I am shocked and appalled that a majority of you are ok with this. Not sure I can look at you all the same…

Here’s today’s question…

There is no better time than now to bring back The Water Coolest referral program. It’s pretty simple, really: I bribe you to tell friends and colleagues about the newsletter.

You win. And The Water Coolest wins.

The only real question is… what should the referral reward be?

I could give away TWC swag. OR I could give you cold hard cash. My thought process is that instead of giving Zuckerberg (I think I have made it very clear how I feel about lizard boi) money to run Facebook or Instagram ads, I could give you guys the money to spread the word.

So…

Oh, and one more thing…

Interested in sponsoring The Water Coolest? Fill out this form and I’ll be in touch. Or reach out directly to [email protected].

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.