Hey there weekday warriors,

Today we’re saying goodbye to Peloton’s CEO, dissecting Apple’s earnings, and a whole lot more. Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 7 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

- tyler

+ US stocks “strode higher Thursday in a calm after the Fed day storm, as investors set aside rate worries for now to focus on Apple earnings and the coming monthly jobs report.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year Treasury yield “edged lower Thursday as investors deliberated the Federal Reserve decision on Wednesday to leave rates unchanged." (CNBC)

+ Oil “settled on Thursday near their lowest level in seven weeks, narrowly mixed and under pressure from weaker global demand, rising inventories and fading hopes for a quick cut in U.S. interest rates.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin “price slightly recovered on Thursday, but remained pinned below key support levels as fears of high U.S. interest rates remained in play after a Federal Reserve meeting, with the token now entering a bear market from its March record highs.” (Investing.com)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Apple +2.2% // +6.1% after hours 2) Nvidia +3.3% 3) C3.ai +2.0%

The market moves you need to know about…

+ Rivian rose 6.7% on news that it found some humans dumb enough (read: Illinois lawmakers) to give it $827M in “incentives” to expand a manufacturing facility.

+ Amgen jumped 14.5% after reporting earnings. The drug dealer hiked its 2024 guidance and said its injectable GLP-1 (think: Ozempic) Phase 2 trial will wrap in 2024… and it’s already planning Phase 3.

+ Rumors that Sycamore Partners is interested in helping the Nordstrom family take the department store private sent JWN up 6.2% on the day.

If you had the opportunity to invest in the biggest electronics products when they launched into big box retail, would you?

Ring changed doorbells and Nest changed thermostats. Early investors in these smart-home companies earned massive returns, but the opportunity to invest was limited to a select, wealthy few.

Not anymore.

RYSE has just launched in 100+ Best Buy stores, and you can still invest at only $1.50/share before their name becomes known nationwide. But hurry, their share price has already grown 20% from their last round.

They have patented the only mass-market shade automation device, and their exclusive deal with Best Buy resembles that which led Ring and Nest to their billion-dollar buyouts.

The window to invest is closing…

Would really appreciate it if you took a minute out of your day to check out Ryse. Sponsors are how I keep the lights on around here. Thanks in advance.

Barryed alive

Peloton’s (-2.4%) board just Mr. Big’ed CEO Barry McCarthy (spoiler: Mr. Big died on a Peloton)…

Barry is “stepping down” as CEO of Peloton after just 2 years at the helm. If it’s any consolation, he isn’t the only one who’s being forced to hang up his overpriced cycling shoes.

The company is cutting 15% of its workforce… or about 400 employees. Oh, and it’s closing even more retail stores as it hopes to cut expenses by more than $200M by 2025.

PTON hasn’t named a new CEO yet. Until they find some other poor b*stard to take this godforsaken job, the company’s chair and a former Electronic Arts exec will serve as co-CEOs.

Where did Barry go wrong?

Where should I begin?

The company just reported another absolutely brutal quarter. It missed on the top and bottom lines. And its revenue fell 4%… marking the ninth quarter in a row of sales declines. I’ll save you a Google search… that means revenue has fallen every quarter of Barry’s tenure.

Or maybe it’s because the company hasn’t turned a profit since 2020… when ‘rona boi was making it rain.

Of course, it might be the fact that shares have fallen 90% during his reign.

It wasn’t for lack of effort, though. Barry was “digging deep” and “getting off the saddle.” He tried renting bikes to consumers, partnering with Lululemon, and testing countless subscription models.

But none of it could stop the company from bleeding cash.

+ Hollup, let him cook…

Tim Cook just silenced the haters. The “Apple is dead” narrative was officially canceled after the iPhone maker reported a big quarter. AAPL (+6.0% after hours) jumped more than 6% in the extended session after the company reported a top and bottom line beat.

To be fair, sales did fall 4% vs. the same period last year. And iPhone revenue tumbled 10%. But Tim Cook put on a masterclass in being a Fortune 500 CEO, pulling the “tough comps” card.

During the analyst call, the Apple team poured it on thick. They don’t share guidance but did indicate we can expect low single-digit sales growth in the current quarter. Plus, Apple teased that it has “big plans to announce” at its WWDC (spoiler: they will be of the AI variety).

And just in case all of that didn’t send investors from six to midnight, Apple authorized $110B in buybacks… the largest in its history.

+ The Paramount (+13.0% after hours) acquisition drama is one GoJo offer away from becoming season 4 of ‘Succession’…

Just a few days after Paramount’s largest shareholder ousted CEO Bob Bakish to clear the path for a Skydance deal, Sony and Apollo have come from the rafters.

Sony and the PE shop sent a letter to Paramount Global outlining a $26B all-cash offer. That’s arguably much sexier to shareholders than the Skydance deal which includes raising capital (read: diluting them).

Just one problem: Paramount had entered into “exclusive talks” with Skydance. To consider the Sony-Apollo deal, it would need to end that exclusivity, which would likely piss off Skydance.

The Sony-Apollo deal isn’t perfect, either. It could face regulatory scrutiny (reminder: Sony is a Japanese company). Plus, Shari Redstone, Paramount’s largest shareholder, would rather let Yellowstone stream on Disney+ than break up Paramount… which those bloodsucking leeches at Apollo certainly would do.

+ Europe’s most valuable company (so, barely relevant on the world stage) reported a huge Q1. Novo Nordisk (-4.0%) beat the Street’s consensus and total sales jumped 25% thanks mostly to Wegovy and Ozempic.

But shares fell 4% on the day. Turns out the insane demand for Wegovy is actually a curse. The company missed growth expectations for the weight loss drug, largely because it was unable to produce enough for fatties around the world. And at least partially because it finds itself in a price war with newcomer Zepbound.

+ ‘If Americans want lower interest rates, they’re going to have to do it themselves,’ analyst says. Here’s how (Read)

+ The 6 Best Credit Cards for Balance Transfers (Read)

+ Richard Branson says money isn’t a good way to measure success: Focus on this 1 word instead, it’s ‘all that really matters’ (Read)

BTW, some of these links include affiliate offers.

Yesterday, earnings reports from Peloton, Novo Nordisk, Apple, Block, Coinbase, and DraftKings were on our radar. Here’s how they did…

+ Block (+7.1%) shares rose after a beat and a raise… probably because Jack Dorsey manifested it during an ayahuasca trip at Burning Man.

+ Coinbase (+8.9% // -2.2% after hours) beat on the top and bottom line but still fell after hours.

+ Thank you for your service, degens. DraftKings’ (+1.7% after hours) sales rose more than 50% in Q1. And the company expects the good times to continue. It hiked its full-year sales guidance.

+ Check out details on Peloton, Apple, and Novo Nordisk above…

Here's what we’re keeping an eye on today...

+ The Hershey Company report this AM

+ The Bureau of Labor Statistics drops the April jobs report

+ We get the ISM Non-Manufacturing PMI and S&P Global Services PMI reports

Here’s today’s question…

What’s your favorite thing (could be a section, schtick, data point etc.) about any non-TWC newsletter you read?

You can reply directly to this email or shoot me a note at [email protected].

Oh, and…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional