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Hey there weekday warriors,

Tim Cook and Co. held another spectacular event to unveil a pretty mediocre product. Let’s recap it, shall we?

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 41 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

+ US stocks “jumped on Monday after investors bought the dip following Wall Street's worst week of the year, betting that a likely Federal Reserve rate cut later this month would bolster a slowing economy.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year Treasury yield “was slightly higher Monday as investors await fresh inflation prints due this week, following a series of weaker-than-expected U.S. economic data releases.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “rose about 1% on Monday on concerns that a hurricane forecast to hit Louisiana on Wednesday will disrupt production and refining along the U.S. Gulf Coast.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin “edged above $57,500 as markets sprang back from an “exaggerated” reaction to August’s payroll report.” (TradingView)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Nvidia +3.5% 2) Apple +0.04% 3) C3.ai +0.4%

The market moves you need to know about…

+ Investors just Made DJT Great Again. Shares of Trump Media jumped 5.5% on news that shows #45 is leading the current VP in recent polling. They do know he’s back on Twitter, right?

– Good news for the human race… bad news for health insurers. The White House is cracking down on health plans failing to meet requirements under the Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act of 2008. Spoiler: they could have to pay more so Americans can get better access to mental health care. Shares of Humana fell 3.9% on the day, while CVS lost 2.2%.

+ Bah gawd, that’s Palantir’s music. Investors loved PLTR’s addition to the S&P 500. Friday’s news sent shares of the military-industrial complex AI service provider up 14.0% on Monday.

Make moves before high-yield accounts get a whole lot less attractive (spoiler: rate cuts are coming)

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Siri, how’s my Apple stance?

Notice your iPhone is starting to run a little bit slower lately? Perhaps it isn’t holding a charge quite as long as it used to?

*Puts on tinfoil hat* Well, that’s because Apple (+0.04%) is about to launch the iPhone 16. Yesterday Tim Cook hosted the “It’s Glowtime” event where he officially unveiled the iPhone 16, its AI capabilities, and a handful of other marginally improved devices.

If you weren’t able to tune in to a bunch of grown a** men and women getting their “Apple stance” on in Cupertino, here’s what you missed…

The iPhone 16

We already knew these were coming. The only real question was how expensive would they be and what cool colors would we get. The answers are “very” (iPhone 16 starts at $799, 16 Plus starts at $899, 16 Pro starts at $999, and Pro Max starts at $1,199) and some new “sand” color, which seems like a bad idea for the beach.

All of the 16s will feature Apple’a A18 chips that are built with handling AI’s yuge loads in mind. The 16s “aerospace grade aluminum” (hopefully not the same kind Boeing uses) houses a brand new “48-megapixel camera”… which means absolutely nothing to me.

Probably the biggest change to the iPhone 16 is the addition of the camera button, which is exactly what it sounds like (it’ll make your phone feel a whole lot more like a digital camera of the early aughts). You might recall that iPhone purists got their panties in a bunch last year when the company added an “action button” to the iPhone 15. To be fair, at this rate, the iPhone 20 will have a full BlackBerry keyboard.

Of course, there’s probably another reason for the camera button: to access Visual Intelligence, one of Apple’s forthcoming AI features.

Speaking of AI…

We didn’t get a whole lot of new insight into Apple’s Apple Intelligence (read: AI suite). Mostly because that was covered pretty extensively at the WWDC earlier this year. As a reminder, we’ll get a major Siri overhaul (think: you can talk like a normal person) and generative emojis… even though no one asked for them.

One thing we do know is that Apple’s AI features won’t be released with the phone on September 20th. Apple Intelligence will launch sometime next month. Oh, and some features will launch even later in the year. Like Apple Intelligence… Apple’s answer to Google Lens, which literally launched in 2017.

Other hardware…

Tim Apple also announced the Apple Watch 10 and a bunch of new AirPods. And I don’t think this is exactly what Steve Jobs had in mind when he was building the most innovative company in the world…

The biggest “upgrades” are geared squarely at people who belong to AARP. Perhaps the next Watch will be able to administer C*alis when it senses the moment is just right?

The Apple Watch will be able to alert users if they are suffering from sleep apnea. Too bad the battery life isn’t even 24 hours so it’ll die halfway through the night.

And AirPods will double as hearing aids. So, you can blow out your eardrums listening to Creed on max volume… then use the same AirPods to enhance your hearing when you see Creed live. The product will offer a hearing test that will customize your “hearing aids.”

What does it all mean?

Historically, shares don’t pop during Apple hardware reveals. Yesterday was no different. Investors went all “that don’t impress me much” and shares barely budged.

The hope, of course, is that the new AI phones will usher in an upgrade cycle of epic proportions…

+ When he isn’t busy putting his son in timeout (“No Nintendo, David, I mean it!”), Larry Ellison is just printing money at Oracle…

Oracle (-1.3% // +8.8% after hours) posted a yuge quarter yesterday, bucking the recent trend of AI players getting buried post-earnings. The enterprise software company beat easily on the top and bottom lines, sending shares up nearly 9% after hours.

And while Apple was giving us like 6 extra megapixels in a camera, Oracle was outlining plans for a data center that will be powered by three modular nuclear reactors…

+ Big Lots has found a sugar daddy with low standards….

Nexus Capital has emerged as the “stalking horse bidder” of the store that makes TJ Maxx look like Bergdorf Goodman. That basically means Nexus has made the first bid in the court-supervised auction process.

+ Forget founder mode, Goldman CEO David Solomon is in spin zone mode.

He got out in front of what is shaping up to be a piss-poor quarter. During a conference yesterday, not only did he share that Goldman Sachs (+1.8%) will take a $400M pre-tax hit related to its shuttered consumer biz… but trading revenue will fall by ~10%.

On the bright side, he didn’t get called out for neglecting his official duties to take DJ gigs in the Hamptons this summer…

+ As the IRS targets wealthy Americans for audits, here are red flags for everyday filers. If you’ve never filed taxes, the IRS doesn’t know you exist, right? Asking for a friend…

+ How to Use Biweekly Mortgage Payments to Pay Off Your Home Loan ASAP. Step 1: Pay twice instead of once per month.

+ 4 Brilliant Ways to Build Wealth After 40. Sell one (or both, if you’re feeling dangerous) of your kidneys…

🔥 Common buying act that exposes your age: ‘Never felt more attacked.’ This better not be about avocado toast…

FYI, TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. So, what are you waiting for? Start clicking.

⏪ Yesterday, Apple held its “Glowtime” event. And Oracle reported after the bell.

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ GameStop and Dave & Buster’s report after the bell

+ Microsoft will host a cybersecurity conference (read: it will apologize for the Crowdstrike disaster)

+ Donny Politics and Kamala Harris face off in their first Presidential debate

Yesterday, I asked, “On which device would you most likely complete a purchase over $500?”

46.2% of you are making any purchase over $500 on a laptop.

Phones came in second. A scary amount of you are doing it in person...

Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my thoughts in italics)…

• Laptop: "Gotta have the bigger more official screen/device for larger purchases." Calling it the ‘official’ screen just screams ‘older millennial.’

• Laptop: "Usually the MegaVIP package on an Onlyf*ns."

• Phone: "The future is now old man"

• Laptop: "Unless it’s an Instagram ad I’ll buy that with one click and my Face ID all day!" They get me every time and the products almost always suck.

• Write in: "Write in vote: those Best Buy vending machines in the airport. I got such a rush purchasing $500 headphones out of one of those things." Me, every time I’m at an airport: ‘who actually buys stuff from those things?’

Here’s today’s question…

This WSJ article (“Dear Men, You’re Eating Too Much Meat”) caught my eye. And made me incredibly concerned for my well-being…

+ This comedian who went to a Nancy Pelosi book signing and asked for stock advice is a national treasure…

🔥 I truly hope that none of you told a joke so funny last week that HR wants to hear it today. This is a bad way to start the week…

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.