Hey there weekday warriors,

As you probably noticed, there were some technical difficulties yesterday and most people didn’t get TWC. If you didn’t notice, shame on you.

The good news is that there was literally only one thing you needed to know: the Fed cut rates by 50 basis points. We’ll break down the market’s reaction (overreaction?) today.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 19 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

+ US stocks “jumped Thursday, with the Dow Jones Industrial Average and S&P 500 rising to new all-time highs, as traders cheered the Federal Reserve’s Wednesday decision to lower interest rates by a half percentage point.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year Treasury yield “climbed higher Thursday as investors digested the Federal Reserve’s decision to cut interest rates by 50 basis points on Wednesday.” (CNBC)

+ Oil futures “extended their recent recovery rally and rose more than 1% on Thursday as a large cut in U.S. interest rates and declining global stockpiles helped offset some of the demand concerns arising from weak consumption in China.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin “jumped on Thursday after the Federal Reserve cut interest rates by a wide margin and signaled the beginning of an easing cycle.” (Investing)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Intuitive Machines +24.2% 2) Nvidia +3.9% 3) Tesla +7.3%

The market moves you need to know about…

+ “I’m not f*ckin leavin.” - Intel CEO Pat Gelsinger. Intel said it does not intend to divest its majority stake in autonomous driving tech company Moibleye. Shares of the maker of cameras for driverless cars rose 14.9%.

– I’m sorry in advance for saying this, but… FedEx did not deliver. The logistics company which only exists because of a hand of blackjack got its face caved in after reporting an earnings and sales miss. Did I mention it lowered its guidance for the year? Shares cratered 11.0% after hours.

Size matters

Do you smell that?

It’s the sweet, sweet aroma of a soft landing.

ICYMI, on Wednesday J-Poww delivered a roundhouse kick directly to the d*ck of high interest rates. We got the jumbo rate cut (50 basis points) markets were fiending for. Then, on Thursday, weekly jobless claims fell by 12k, which was far below expectations.

What does it all mean?

Listen, I don’t like to jump to conclusions, but it appears that the Fed has stuck the landing, saved humanity, and ensured that stocks only go up from here on out (… hopefully).

Of course, it might be a minute before we actually know whether the US economy lands on its feet. But we do know one thing: the rate cut and jobs data was an Adderall/Zyn speedball mainlined directly into investors’ brokerage accounts.

After not knowing what to make of the Fed’s cut yesterday (markets fell in afternoon trading), stocks ripped higher on Thursday.

All the usual suspects were mooning, and new all-time highs among big tech players were more prevalent than missing cats in Springfield, Ohio.

What’s next?

Once the euphoria of a much-anticipated cut wears off, the Fed’s next move will determine where markets go from here. And by that I mean, what the markets expect the Fed’s next move to be.

Currently, markets are pricing in a 25 basis point rate cut for the November Fed meeting. But that could change quickly as more inflation and jobs data continue to roll in… although employment data should be trusted about as much as a fart after Chipotle…

+ Has Olive Garden learned nothing from Red Lobster’s endless shrimp collapse?

Darden (+8.2%) announced that it’s getting its value menu on (thanks for the idea, McDonald’s). It’s bringing back its Never Ending Pasta Bowl a month earlier than last year and extending it for three weeks longer. Darden about to make Ozempic it’s b*tch.

The company also announced that it finally caved and will partner with Uber to deliver its soup, salad, and breadsticks directly to your door. Olive Garden and its parent had long resisted using third-party delivery partners.

All of this came during an earnings call where Darden announced a top and bottom line miss. Still, shares popped on news that the company was about to destroy so many carefully constructed summer bods with glorious carbohydrates.

+ “Amelia, how do I ensure that Amazon doesn’t just steal the idea for my product?”

Amazon (+1.8%) is rolling out a new chatbot for 3rd party sellers that will help them run their business better. No word on whether Andy Jassy used it to make the Amazon return to office decision.

The AI assistant will provide metrics and provide insights on sales, customer traffic, trends, etc. And it will allow for follow-ups and direct access to a real-life person at Amazon.

+ Nike (+0.09% // +7.5% after hours) CEO John Donahoe just got “retired,” which is the C-Suite equivalent of getting Epsteined in your cell block.

He’s been chief executive since 2020. And it has gone about as well as Bryce Young’s career. Shares are down more than 25% this year as the company continues to bleed market share to the likes of Hoka and On.

Most of the blame is on how uncool he’s made Nike over the past few year. Their lack of innovation was outlined extensively by Bloomberg this week. Probably just a coincidence…

+ To influence people, make 1 key change in how you talk, says communication expert: It puts you ‘in a position of power’. “Always call your adversary a little b*tch.”

+ From mortgages to auto loans, experts weigh in on when — or if — to refinance as interest rates fall. No thanks. Having a higher interest rate makes me hustle harder

+ Why Adrian Wojnarowski left $20 million on the table by leaving ESPN: ‘Time isn’t in endless supply’. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how you ensure your kids don’t talk to you for the rest of your life.

🔥 A Non-Ivy Tops Businessweek’s B-School Ranking for Sixth Straight Year. University of Phoenix for the win.

FYI, TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. So, what are you waiting for? Start clicking.

⏪ Yesterday, we got earnings from Darden and Fedex.

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Just in case there wasn’t enough volatility at the moment, today is also a triple witching day (stock options, stock index futures, and stock index options contracts expire)

Yesterday, I asked, “You get $50M, but you can only use ONE bathroom for the rest of your life. Do you take the money?”

I OBVIOUSLY didn’t give enough context because you guys went down some real rabbit holes here. SO, we’re doing a recount…

Allow me to clarify the question…

You have to pick one spot on Earth to sh*t/piss for the rest of your life. That is the ONLY place you can sh*t/piss for the rest of your life. So, you can’t just sh*t yourself (your feral creatures) or wear Depends or “live in the ocean” or hook up a Port-a-potty to a trailer. Any time you need to go, you need to go in this ONE bathroom.

Still don’t get it? A better way of asking this question might have been “Would you stay within pissing/sh*tting distance of 1 bathroom for the rest of your life in exchange for $50 million?”

ANOTHER point of clarification: you get $50,000,000, not $50,000.

Ok, so let’s try this again…

+ This one’s for all the finance/accounting majors… that ended up doing something (anything) else…

🔥 They simply cannot be trusted to deploy capital effectively…

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.