Today, we’re getting into Apple’s latest cry for help, a yuge first half, and Robinhood goes private. But first...

In the July 1, 2022 edition of The Water Coolest, we recapped an absolutely nightmarish first half of the year.

Don’t believe me? The S&P 500 closed out June down more than 21% on the year. The index plummeted 16% in the second quarter alone. Why? One word: J-Poww inflation. Out-of-control prices forced the Fed to hike rates aggressively (turns out it wasn’t transitory after all…).

The S&P 500 ended the year of our lord 2022 down 19%, the worst year for the index since the 2008 financial crisis.

So just remember… it could be worse.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 21 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

PS, loving The Water Coolest? Forward it to someone who wishes they owned a stegosaurus skeleton. If you CC me ([email protected]), I’ll send you both something.

PPS, did someone with great taste (who thinks you love dinosaurs still) forward this to you? Subscribe here.

“Hey Siri, how f*cked is Apple?”

Good news for everyone over 65 who uses Siri in public places, despite how incredibly inconsiderate it is of everyone within approximately 100 yards: Apple $AAPL ( ▲ 0.5% ) might not use its internal AI models for an upgrade after all.

It appears that Apple’s biggest innovation since the Lightning Cable might be… a licensing deal. I’m just glad Steve Jobs isn’t around to see this…

According to Bloomberg, Apple is considering tapping Anthropic or OpenAI to train new models for the Siri makeover that’s had more delays than GTA 6. Instead of, you know, one that they develop in-house.

That, of course, means that Tim Apple & Co. have come to terms with the fact that maybe, just maybe, instead of spending all that time and money making some VR glasses no one asked for, they should have been developing the Apple Car their AI prowess. You hate to see it (… unless you’re short Apple).

This is just the latest black eye for Siri and Apple Intelligence.

Exhibit A: In March, Apple delayed its AI-powered Siri relaunch to 2026 and replaced the head of Siri.

Meanwhile, at Meta…

Shares hit an all-time high yesterday on news that Zuck was assembling a Super Intelligence team to lead AI operations…

You can pay 0% interest for up to 21 months with some of the highest-rated credit cards in the game.

The experts at Finance Buzz shared their top card picks for 2025…

Check out the full list of top no-interest credit cards right now.

+ If you’re reading this, congratulations, it means you survived Liberation Day, DeepSeek, WW3… and Katy Perry going to space.

The first half of the year of our lord 2025 was a minefield of sh*tstorms and clusterf*cks for investors. Yet, the S&P 500 hit a new all-time high to close out H1. The index is now up 9% since Liberation Day.

And I think I speak for all of the weekday warriors when I send a heartfelt “thank you” to Jimmy Chill for predicting a “Black Monday” way back in April…

+ “You’ll never get this.” - Borat Vlad Tenev

Robinhood $HOOD ( ▲ 3.73% ) announced it’s rolling out tokenized shares of private companies in Europe. Unfortunately, “accredited investor” rules in the US make this damn near impossible, so don’t get your hopes up.

To mark the occasion/rub it in, HOOD is doing what it does best: giving away free shares. European users (and Americans with VPNs) will get 5 euros worth of OpenAI and SpaceX “stock” when they onboard.

+ “Metaverse Team, we're gonna need to go ahead and move you downstairs into storage B. We have some new people coming in, and we need all the space we can get. So if you could just go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there, that would be terrific, OK?” - Bill Lumbergh and Mark Zuckerberg

Zuck made it official on Monday, announcing the internal “Superintelligence” AI team we’ve all known about for weeks… thanks mostly to Sam Altman blowing up his spot.

Meta $META ( ▼ 1.05% ) has assembled a who's who of AI talent (that has never felt the tender touch of a woman). The Superintelligence Lab will be led by Alexandr Wang from Scale AI, who will take on the role of Chief AI Officer. The MSL will oversee all of Meta’s AI teams.

Think they’re going to tell the Meta Superintelligence Lab personality hire that he’s the personality hire? Or is he expected to figure that out on his own?

+ Today in things that aren’t illegal but kinda feel like they should be… hedge fund billionaire, Ken Griffin, just spent $18M buying an Abraham Lincoln signed copy of the 13th Amendment and the Emancipation Proclamation.

He’ll add the docs to his collection that also includes a first edition copy of the US Constitution… and probably a few of those Princess Diana Beanie Babies. Kenny spent $43M on the Constitution, beating out a group of crypto bros that created the ConstitutionDAO. Remember DAOs? Bring me back…

The real-life Comic Book Guy also owns the largest-ever stegosaurus skeleton, which he bought for $45M. Ok, that kinda rules…

+ Ladies and gentlemen: the Caitlin Clark effect…

Probably not a coincidence that just a year after Caitlin Clark put the league on her back, the WNBA is expanding to 18 teams. Cleveland, Detroit, and Philadelphia will all get teams. TYFYS.

+ US stocks “reached record closing highs on Monday, capping their best quarter in over a year as hopes for trade deals and possible rate cuts eased investor uncertainty.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year yield “moved lower as investors monitored whether the Senate would pass President Donald Trump’s divisive spending bill over the next few hours.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “edged down on Monday as investors weighed easing Middle East risks and a possible OPEC+ output increase in August.” (Reuters)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ The quiet period post-IPO ended for Circle

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Constellation Brands reports after the close

+ Car companies (see: Tesla) will begin reporting their quarterly delivery #s

+ J-Poww will participate in a panel discussion at an ECB Forum

Yesterday, I asked, “Would you send your mom to jail for 1 year for $25M?”

69.1% (nice) of you said “Hell yeah.”

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

Here’s today’s question…

Here are some terms…

A list of stonks I didn’t invest in…

Oh, and one more thing…

Made in America & Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.