Hey there weekday warriors,

Today we’re picking up the pieces after an absolute bloodbath on Friday.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 11 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

+ US stocks “fell sharply on Friday as a much weaker-than-anticipated jobs report for July ignited worries that the economy could be falling into a recession.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year Treasury yield “slid after a weaker-than-expected jobs report for last month added to fears that economic growth is slowing.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “settled sharply lower Friday, succumbing to a fourth straight week of losses, as weak U.S. jobs data added to concerns that slowing economic growth will hit consumption as the year progresses.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin “has shed 10% of its value during weekend trading to just below $55,000.“ (Investing)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Nvidia -1.7% 2) C3.ai -5.3% 3) Apple +0.69% (nice)

The market moves you need to know about…

– Pour one out for Intel CEO Pat Gelsinger. He’s not dead or anything. But his career might be after overseeing the biggest sh*tshow in Intel’s history (and that’s saying a lot). Shares spiraled 26.0% following a brutal earnings call.

– Amazon failed to deliver on Thursday. And investors made them pay on Friday. AMZN dropped 8.7% following a revenue miss and dropping some piss poor guidance.

I stand corrected

“Hello darkness, my old friend…”

Now might be a good time to hide yo kids, hide yo wife. On Friday, the Nasdaq plummeted for the second day in a row and officially entered correction territory (read: it fell 10% from its most recent high). Spoiler: that most recent high was less than a month ago…

So wtf happened?

Well, on Friday we got a jobs report that just screamed “I hope you like sleeping under a bridge.”

Non-farm (because f*ck the people who feed us, amirite?) payrolls rose by 114k. The problem? The Street was expecting 185k. Oh, and it was well below the 12-month average of 215k.

It probably didn’t help that the unemployment rate jumped to 4.3%, its highest mark since 2021.

This all comes on the heels of some brutal manufacturing and jobless claims data on Thursday. And a Fed meeting that ended without a hike on Wednesday…

The fear? That J-Poww and the Fed have kept rates too high for too long and a soft landing is out of reach.

What’s next?

Buckle up f*ckleheads, it’s going to be a bumpy ride between now and the next Fed meeting…

+ Ticketmaster & airlines: *literally just make up fees*

DraftKings: “Hold my beer.”

DK (-9.7%) just went all “it’s called innovation, look it up.” The sports gambling OG is about to disrupt the space again…

In addition to dropping earnings that included its first full-year profit on Thursday, DraftKings announced a new “winner’s tax.” In the states that tax sportsbooks >20%, DK will skim some cash off the top of each winning bet.

It’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off for ‘em.

+ NewsMax and Fox News punching air right now…

Trump Media (+7.3%) said it’s rolling out a new streaming service called Truth+. And I, for one, cannot wait until we get through the “+” era in media.

News of something (literally anything) that might help DJT actually make money sent shares up more than 7% on the day.

+ Probably nothing, but… Warren Buffett sold nearly half of his stake in Apple (+0.69%) in Q2.

It raises red flags, considering it’s long been one of Warren’s favorite stocks (…that isn’t an insurer). At one point, Apple represented nearly half of Berkshire’s holdings.

We don’t know why the Oracle slashed his stake to just about 400M shares. But we do know it wasn’t the only equity he was unloading. Charlie Munger’s BFF (RIP, homie) sold nearly $75B in equities during Q2, including a f*ck ton of Bank of America.

For those of you keeping score at home, Berkshire Hathaway’s cash position is currently $277B.

Oh, and…

+ Bill Gates tell-all book claims Microsoft banned interns from being alone with ‘flirty’ mogul before divorce: ‘Kid in a candy store.’ Today in things I’m zero percent surprised about…

+ Google pulls AI ad for Olympics following backlash. This was probably a smart move.

+ AMC Entertainment swings to loss in the second-quarter hurt by weak movie lineup. You are definitely trying to hide something if you report on a Friday after the close…

+ 5 Must-Have Investing Apps for 2024. No degens, DraftKings is not on the list…

+ Denny’s $18 breakfast platter — up from $5.99 — gives customers sticker shock: ‘Unreal!’. Or, and hear me out, is it just a miracle they kept the price this low for this long?

+ This unlimited cash back card offers a 5% cash back perk that gets matched after your first year. I’ll save you the trouble of pulling up the calculator app… that’s up to 10%.

+ ‘Never quit your job,’ says early retiree and self-made multimillionaire: Do this instead. Why quit when you can get laid off?!

🔥 Americans have 4 core beliefs about money—but only one helps you get richer. #2: Always tip your landlord.

FYI, TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. So, what are you waiting for? Start clicking.

⏪ Friday, ExxonMobil and Chevron reported before the bell. But the only thing anyone really cared about was the July jobs report.

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Tyson reports before the open

+ CSX, Palantir, Realty Income, Lucid, Hims, Vimeo, and Chegg drop their quarterly reports after the close

+ Services PMI data

+ Everyone’s buttholes will be tight after last week’s massive sell-off

Friday, I asked, “You can invest in the career of one up-and-coming athlete, but only one. Who do you choose?”

Caitlin Clark barely beat the emerging European soccer star. Then there was a huge dropoff to NBA, NFL, and MLB prospects.

Here’s what you guys had to say…

• Caitlin Clark: “Feel like we’ve seen enough to know, barring injury, she’s gonna be good. The others are crap shoots.”

• An emerging star in European soccer: “The amount of money in soccer is just dumb, especially now with the Saudis throwing it around as well. This would be a great investment.”

• An emerging star in European soccer: “Show me the money (and longevity). Pitcher ends with Tommy-John, QB is too much of a crap shoot (how many top drafted QBs in the past 5 years have truly panned out?), NBA the chances of really making it are too low (I have been burned by too many wasted top picks as a Sixers fan), Caitlin Clark's salary is $70k a year so no thanks. Soccer is the world's sport, so money will be flowing.”

• A lottery pick in the NBA: “Guaranteed contracts and the media rights just keep going up. Saw a few reports already that say Wemby may clear over $1bil in salary alone if he stays healthy.”

• College QB expected to go top 10 overall: “Have you seen how many JV QBs are making $50M+ in the NFL?”

Here’s today’s question…

In honor of Denny’s succumbing to inflationary pressures…

+ Didn’t have Martha Stewart and Elon beefing on my 2024 BINGO card…

cnbc

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Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.