Hey there weekday warrior,

You asked for it. The TWC referral program is back (ok, you actually asked for free Chick-fil-A).

We’re keeping it simple this time around: if you refer 3 valid subscribers to The Water Coolest, I'll send you a $10 Chick-fil-A gift card.

Start sharing your unique referral code below:

https://thewatercoolest.beehiiv.com/subscribe?ref=PLACEHOLDER

And you can always check your status here:

https://thewatercoolest.beehiiv.com/subscribe/PLACEHOLDER/referrals

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 21 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

PS, I am using the PS to tell you everything you need to know about the referral program.

PPS, if you cheat or scam your way to 3 referrals, I will find out, and you will be excluded. Don’t be a scumbag.

PPPS, seriously, don’t do it

PPPPS, the program shuts down on May 11th. That means you’ve got 3 weeks. GO!

Stop, stop, Google’s already dead

The DOJ is doing its best impression of the US armed forces in World Wars. Uncle Sam’s legal team remains undefeated against Google (2-0)…

On Thursday, Google $GOOGL ( ▲ 2.53% ) got outlined in chalk by US District Judge Leonie Brinkem. She ruled that Alphabet held monopolies (that means more than one) in the online advertising market. Imagine being so good at something that you get accused of two monopolies. Define ‘suffering from success.’

The judge said Google illegally dominates the publisher ad server market and the ad exchange market. On the bright side, Google didn’t complete the trifecta. It beat the monopoly charges in the display ad market. So it’s got that going for it…

So why is the DOJ so butthurt?

According to the underpaid government lawyers in Jos. A Bank suits, Google owns both sides of the marketplace (how advertisers buy digital ad space and how publishers sell digital ad space). Turns out that allows them to control pricing.

Now what?

Now we wait. Google said it’ll appeal the decision (obviously). So this could take a while. Think: probably after the Luigi Mangione trial… but definitely before GTA VI comes out…

If and when the ruling stands, Google could face the corporate equivalent of the death penalty (read: it could be forced to spin off part of its business). But most legal analysts (think: people on the internet fluent in bird law) believe Google will be forced to make some changes to their business model and be nicer to the new kids in town.

Down bad…

The company that made Ask Jeeves its b*tch can’t catch a break. Thursday’s decision is the second monopoly suit it lost in the past year. The other was related to its search dominance. That punishment hasn’t been handed down either, but could also include breaking up the company…

Meanwhile, Google is on the receiving end of a gang bang courtesy of AI companies like OpenAI, Anthropic, and DeepSeek. Despite being a pioneer in the AI space, Google’s consumer-facing products haven’t exactly lived up to the hype.

There is such thing as a free lunch

We’re running back the TWC Referral program. And this time around, it’s pretty simple: refer 3 friends to The Water Coolest, and I’ll send you a $10 Chick-fil-A gift card.

Here’s how it works:

1) Refer 3 legit friends, family, or coworkers using your unique referral code: https://thewatercoolest.beehiiv.com/subscribe?ref=PLACEHOLDER

2) I send you a free lunch

You can check in on your progress any time, here: https://thewatercoolest.beehiiv.com/subscribe/PLACEHOLDER/referrals

What are you waiting for?

+ J-Poww is like the CEO’s sh*thead son that you’ve been asked to take under your wing: he can’t be fired (… and he’d really rather be listening to the Grateful Dead).

Legally, the President can’t fire the Fed chair. That doesn’t mean #47 won’t try. POTUS is big mad at the Fed chair for failing to lower interest rates (friendly reminder: that’s generally seen as a positive for stonks).

Things escalated last week after Jerry (once again) pointed out that Trump’s tariffs may raise inflation and hinted at an economic downturn. Donny no likey.

On Thursday, Trump Truthed this: “Powell’s termination cannot come fast enough.” That led to speculation that DJT is aiming to eliminate JP prior to May 2026, when his term officially ends.

Trump doubled down on Friday, telling reporters, “F*ck J-Poww, all my homies hate J-Poww” “If we had a Fed Chairman that understood what he was doing, interest rates would be coming down.”

+ Netflix $NFLX ( ▲ 4.51% ) blew analysts n*ps off with a yuge top and bottom line earnings beat for Q1. Revenue jumped ~13% YoY to $10.5B. It’s also the first time Netflix hasn’t disclosed its quarterly subscribers… but let’s just say the most successful guy in the room doesn’t really have to wear a Rolex, amirite?

+ “Told you not to send ‘em your spit.” - your uncle, who’s also pretty sure that Katy Perry and Gayle King didn’t actually go to space… and thinks Perry is JonBenét Ramsey

23andMe, which is just a warehouse full of spit tubes after getting its Chapter 11 on, is under investigation by the House Committee on Energy and Commerce. And it’s exactly what you think: they have concerns that the stockpile of genetic data is at risk of being compromised…

+ Pfizer: “Oral GLPs are impossible.”

LLY: “Hold my beer.”

Eli Lilly’s $LLY ( ▲ 3.65% ) daily obesity pill has been crushing late-stage trials. Patients with Type 2 diabetes are showing lower blood sugar and body weight (and more importantly, not developing liver issues). RIP body positivity movement. Friendly reminder: Pfizer killed their daily weight-loss pill last week after it caused liver damage in one patient.

+ What’s in your portfolio? Capital One’s $COF ( ▲ 4.87% ) acquisition of Discover $DFS ( ▲ 4.91% ) has been approved by the Fed and the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency. The $35.3B all-stock deal is expected to close on May 18.

+ US stocks “briefly took a leg up on Thursday afternoon after President Donald Trump said he expects trade deals to be reached with China and the European Union.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year yield “advanced on Thursday as investors weighed the state of the U.S. economy after Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell raised concerns about the inflationary and economic growth risks of the White House’s tariffs.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “prices settled more than 3% higher on Thursday, supported by hopes for a trade deal between the United States and the European Union and new U.S. sanctions to curb Iranian oil exports, which continued to elevate supply concerns.” (Reuters)

⏪ On Friday…

+ Markets were closed for the Good Friday holiday

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ *crickets* … which means tariff news is about to f*ck up our day

On Thursday, I asked, “Which do you wish on your least favorite colleague today?”

47.2% of you chose Computer decides to update before a very important meeting.

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

• Computer decides to update before a very important meeting: “An infinite loop of this would be my purgatory.”

• They think their phone is charging but their cord stopped working (they’re on like 2%): “Hoping they have to go home for the rest of the day because of it ”

• Spill a few drips of coffee on their shirt (it’s a color that would definitely show): “Need this to happen early in the day not near the end”

• They forget their password and have to reset it: “especially when password policy is min. 16 characters... ITsuck$andbl0w$”

Here’s today’s question…

• No, you can’t tell anyone why you're wearing it

• It only comes off when you’re showering (it stays on during sexy time… not that you’ll be having much)

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.