Hey there weekday warriors,

Listen, I’m not saying you should go stock up on Zyn like it’s original recipe Four Loko, but some members of Congress are asking the FDA and FTC to ban it…

Here’s what else we’re getting into today…

• Tesla’s brutal quarter

• Boeing takes another L

• Jon Stewart is back

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 7 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

- tyler

+ “The S&P 500 climbed to its fourth straight record high close on Wednesday, as Netflix surged following blowout quarterly results and a strong report from ASML fueled gains in chipmakers.” (Reuters)

+ The 10-year Treasury yield “climbed Wednesday as investors brace themselves for two key pieces of economic data in the second half of the week." (CNBC)

+ Oil prices “edged up about 1% on Wednesday on a bigger-than-expected U.S. crude storage withdrawal, a slump in U.S. crude output, Chinese economic stimulus, geopolitical tensions and a weaker dollar.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin is struggling to get above $40k.

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Tesla -0.63% AH: -5.96% 2) Nvidia +2.49% 3) AMD +5.86%.

Tesla Cybersucks

Me, during the Tesla earnings call: *waiting patiently for Elon to call an analyst “stupid”*

Things at Tesla have been going about as well as Elon’s pull-out game (see: terrible). TSLA shares are already down 16% in 2024. The Cybertruck has a worse safety record than the 737 Max. And the company just reported a brutal quarter…

“Wait, I thought Tesla posted record-breaking production numbers?” - you

Not all sales are created equal...

You might recall that earlier this month, Tesla reported record sales for the quarter (484.5k) and the year (1.8M). And you might also remember Elon was discounting cars like he was Buddy Garrity during Memorial Day Weekend. Despite the number of units moved, sales and profits suffered.

Revenue grew just 3% vs. the same quarter last year and operating margins crumbled (from 23.8% to 17.6%), on the way to a top and bottom line miss. On the bright side, full-year revenue rose 15%.

“Ok, but things will be better in 2024, right? Right?!” - Cathie Wood and her disciples, probably

You might want to take a seat, Cath. 2024 is going to be the automotive equivalent of what struggling sports franchises call a “rebuilding year.” The EV maker warned that volume may be “notably lower” as TSLA is “currently between two major growth waves.”

Translation? The Cybertruck is really hard to make. And the next-gen EV it plans to launch in the back half of 2025 will require serious capital and manpower.

In 2024 Tesla will likely also see more pressure from the United Autoworkers Union, a growing list of competitors, and falling demand for EVs. Woof.

Shares were down just 6% after hours.

+ The late Charlie Munger's final stock-portfolio update is out - and it shows his iconic approach to investing (Read)

+ How much money Americans have in their savings accounts—nearly half have less than $500 (Read)

+ ICYMI... One of your red flags came up in a job interview—here’s how to respond to it (Read)

+ “Let’s go.” - Airbus

The FAA just did the human race a solid. It told Boeing that any expansion of 737 Max production was delayed until further notice.

The FAA administrator said we “will not agree to any request from Boeing for an expansion in production or approve additional production lines for the 737 MAX until we are satisfied that the quality control issues uncovered during this process are resolved.”

Keep in mind that the 737 Max is Boeing’s best-selling jet. Er, was.

On the bright side, the FAA approved Boeing’s instructions for inspecting and repairing the 737 Max door plugs (spoiler: it involves tightening bolts). That gives airlines the greenlight to fix Boeing’s mess and is a step in the right direction towards getting the planes back in the air.

The news comes on the heels of a Boeing 757 losing a wheel before takeoff and claims that Boeing was responsible for installing the door plug that fell out of the Alaska Airlines jet. Not Spirit AeroSystems.

Shares fell ~3% after hours. (Read)

+ Tell me ratings are terrible without actually telling me…

Jon Stewart is coming back to The Daily Show one night per week starting next month. It makes sense given we’re in an election year, and The Daily Show has gone all “host by committee” since the departure of Trevor Noah.

Can’t knock Paramount for trying to pad its stats as it looks to sell itself. (Read)

+ Amazon knows that snitches get stitches. It plans to discontinue a feature in its Ring Neighbors app that allows police to request users’ doorbell/floodlight/drone footage.

To be fair, the police can still slide into users’ DMs with a request or use a search warrant to get their hands on footage. Or, if there are “cases involving imminent danger of death or serious physical injury to any person," Ring will hand it over themselves. F*cking narcs. (Read)

What else?

+ Microsoft became just the second company ever to reach a $3T market cap (spoiler: Apple was first). Just imagine how high it’d be if Bill Gates hadn’t gone to Epstein Island so many times… (Read)

+ Burrito season, which is an actual real thing, is right around the corner. And Chipotle is actively recruiting 19k new employees. Which is great news for everyone being laid off in the tech sector. (Read)

+ Nepo baby David Ellison (son of Larry Ellison) has made a bid to buy National Amusements, which means he would acquire Paramount. No terms were disclosed. (Read)

+ IBM out here making its case to join the magnificent 7. Shares were up after the tech giant beat on the top and bottom lines and said it expects better revenue growth and free cash flow than the Street estimated for 2024. (Read)

Here's what I'm keeping an eye on today...

+ Visa, Intel, Comcast, Union Pacific, American Airlines, Southwest Airlines, Levi Strauss, and Alaska Air report

+ ECB issues a monetary policy statement

Yesterday, I asked Is Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson the Taylor Swift/Beyoncé for dudes?

62.3% of you said “yes.” Those of you who said “no” had some suggestions…

• Ryan Reynolds

• Elon Musk

• Warren Buffett

• Leonardo DiCaprio

• Joe Rogan (the more I think about it, this might be the right answer…)

Here’s today’s question…

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional