💩 Tesla goes up in smoke

And Tim Apple has got some explaining to do

Author

Tyler Morin
January 03, 2025

Hey there weekday warrior,

Another day, another fire drill at Tesla.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 9 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

+ US stocks “erased session gains on Thursday to kick off the first trading day of the new year as Wall Street returned from a holiday break.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year yield “churned between gains and losses on a volatile first trading day for the new year.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “settled up by more than $1 a barrel on Thursday as investors returned for the first trading day of 2025 with an optimistic eye on China's economy and fuel demand after a pledge by President Xi Jinping to promote growth.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin “held steady above $96,600 on Thursday, bolstered by cautious optimism surrounding the incoming Trump administration's crypto policies.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Tesla -6.0% 2) Nvidia +2.9% 3) Intuitive Machines +6.3%

The market moves you need to know about


– Neumora Therapeutics is down horrendous after its Phase 3 depression-treating drug “navacaprant” reportedly was about as effective as someone telling you to “walk it off.” Neumora's share price fell 81.4% to an all-time low. CEO Henry Gosebruch pointed out that Neumora is still sitting on around $342M of cash which provides them with enough runway to make it to 2026. Weird flex, but ok


+ Unity Software shares jumped 9.0% and you will believe why. Keith Gill aka Roaring Kitty aka Deep F*cking Value’s latest cryptic tweet had Twitter conspiracists jumping to conclusions faster than Tom Smykowski. Allow me to go all Pepe Silvia on you


Roaring Kitty posted a tweet featuring a gif of Dave Chappelle playing musician Rick James. Rick James’ discography includes a song titled “Unity,” hence Unity Software stock mooning. All in a day’s work for the smoothbrains on r/wallstreetbets.

Tesla goes up in smoke

Source: Giphy

Somebody check on Elon’s child support payments


Tesla (-6.0%) just dropped a disappointing production and delivery report Thursday *sh*t eating grin appears on Sam Altman’s face*.

Annual deliveries fell year over year for the first time since 2011 (1.78M vs. 1.81M in the year of our lord 2023). Elon delivered just 495K total EVs in Q4, missing analysts’ expectations of 504K.

On the bright side, demand for Cybertrucks just jumped (by at least one in recent days)


ICYDK, Tesla’s report on vehicle deliveries is the closest approximation for sales, which makes the data a BFD for investors and analysts (think: Cathie Woods’ Super Bowl). Tesla’s next earnings report won’t drop until January 29.

The selloff was merely a flesh wound. TSLA shares jumped more than 60% during 2024, thanks largely to Elon’s unofficial VPOTUS status.

But


Despite shares hitting an ATH in Q4, demand for EVs has waned and competition has been red hot, with international EV makers doing their best to make Elon their b*tch.

Tesla is losing market share in Europe, showing a 14% decline from last year’s sales. Meanwhile in the People’s Republic, BYD and other Chinese EV makers have been growing sales without regard for human life.

TS

Looks like the tinfoil hats on TikTok may have been onto something
 Apple (-2.6%) settled a class action lawsuit this week, agreeing to pay $95M for alleged Siri privacy violations.

The plaintiffs accused Apple of recording private conversations following accidental Siri activations, then disclosing said conversations to advertisers and other third parties. Which is why your wife kept doing this pre-Xmas. 

Apple went all “I didn’t do f*ckin’ sh*t,” denying allegations of wrongdoing but apparently preferring to settle the issue out of court anyways, which just screams “guilty.” The suit runs from September 2014 to December 2024, and tens of millions of affected users may be able to cash in on a crisp $20 bill in exchange for their private convos.

+ Because Rolex bros just love goooold.

Rolex just jacked up prices. With gold prices soaring 27% in 2024, Rolex has raised prices on some precious-metal watches by 8% in their annual price increase.

Some analysts (
 who probably say things like “a Submariner is cute if you’re an intern”) consider Rolex price increases a bellwether of inflation. The timepiece prices track demand for premium luxury products, as well as labor and materials. For comparison, last year’s price increases were closer to 4%.

The short-seller prophets over at Hindenburg Research are doing what they do best: crying wolf. This time they’ve got their sights set on the inventors of the auto vending machine: Carvana (-1.8%). In a new report, the “activist shortsellers” over at Hindenburg claim that accounting manipulation and lax underwriting have fueled income growth, with insiders cashing out billions in stock. 

The report alleges that Carvana is essentially selling massive (think $800M) amounts of largely subprime loan bonds to mysterious “undisclosed” (read: possibly bullsh*t) buyers. Why? Because investment banks who do actual due diligence, like Wells Fargo, don’t want to touch those car loans with a ten-foot pole.

In Hindenburg’s defense, Daddy Garcia II pled guilty to bank fraud in 1990 for reporting fake accounting income through sham transactions. The bears have entered the chat.

+ We see what you did there, Zuck

In a move that comes as a surprise to absolutely no one, Meta (+2.3%) is making a change to their Global Affairs lineup. Joel Kaplan, a former staffer for Dubya and buddy of J.D. Vance, will take over as President of Global Affairs, replacing longtime executive Nick Clegg. Nick’s case is the stuff of employment lawyers’ wet dreams


đŸ”„ The No. 1 sign you need to pay someone else to do your taxes, says CPA. When you go to jail for tax evasion.

FYI, TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. So, what are you waiting for? Start clicking.

FWD

âȘ Yesterday, we got delivery numbers from Tesla

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on


+ Not much going on
 but with CES next week we could see some movement in tech stocks as rumors start to bubble

EXIT

Yesterday, I asked, “How much loose change do you think exists in the US right now?”

46.7% of you think it was more than $5,000,000. Do you guys know how many pennies that is?

Here’s what some of you had to say (and my thoughts in italics)


  • “And you laugh at the guy with the metal detector at the beach”

  • “Regardless of however much is laying around out there, I still can't find a quarter for an Aldi's shopping cart!”

  • “I suspect more than $5,000,000 in loose change can be found under Elon Musk's couch pillows alone...and that doesn't even take into account the quarters I've amassed for use in local parking meters. ”

  • “I have nothing witty to address this poll. 2025 starts on Monday.”

  • “Some of it’s under my car seats with fossilized McDonald’s French fries.”

And here’s today’s (hypothetical) question


But first, some terms and conditions


  • Let’s assume all the Taco Bell or the scooter rides are free

  • This is an electric scooter, not a Vespa or something remotely road-legal

  • You can still fly on airplanes, but you need to get to the airport on your scooter

  • NO hitching rides with other people. If you’re traveling “together,” you still need to scoot

For the rest of your life you either have to ride one of those electric scooters (think: Lime, Bird, or literally any of the other ones) everywhere OR only eat Taco Bell for the rest of your life. Which horrific fate are you taking?

Login or Subscribe to participate in polls.

Oh, and one more thing


What did you think about today's newsletter?

Login or Subscribe to participate in polls.

FINE

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.