TOGETHER WITH

Hey there weekday warrior,

Wall Street is so back.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 10 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

They not like us

Probably just a coincidence that in the same fiscal year "Man in finance" dropped, Wall Street bonuses hit an all-time high…

Good news for everyone out there thinking, "Wall Street fat cats sure deserve a raise for all they contribute to society": per the NY State Comptroller, finance (pronounced ‘fuh-nance’) bonuses in New York state (sorry, equities in Dallas) hit $47.5B. *Occupy Wall Street-ers just died a little bit inside*

That's $244,700 per banker on average (or approximately 14,390 Cava bowls), making it the most on record. And it wasn’t really close. Oh, and keep in mind that the Comptroller's data doesn't even look at salary or deferred comp. Feel poor yet?

Big banks and investment firms took Mark Hanna's advice and pumped those numbers up from the year of our lord 2023. The pool grew 34% year over year.

Of course, that doesn’t mean all bonuses were created equal…

What 2024 lacked in murders and acquisitions (thanks a lot, Lina Khan), it more than made up for in trading and underwriting activity. Spoiler: M&A bankers didn’t fare as well as some of their comrades.

We are backkkkkk

It probably shouldn't come as a shock that NY was slobbing on the finance industry's proverbial knob. The industry accounts for more than 200k jobs in the state and 19% of the taxes collected.

Not to mention the boost that Jamie Dimon and the rest of the big swingin’ d*cks have single-handedly given to Manhattan real estate with their return-to-office mandates.

Don't miss out on a 66,756% opportunity

Imagine skipping out on Ring before its $1.2B buyout by Amazon.

That’s exactly what happened to all the sharks, including Kevin O’Leary, missing a 66,756% return.

By the time we hear about industry-changing companies, it’s usually too late. But right now, there’s a smart home startup making their way to homes in America.

This tech startup is RYSE, and unlike Ring, you can still invest early—before it takes off.

Like how Ring disrupted home security, this company is revolutionizing smart blinds & shades—bringing automation to every home and business without the need for expensive replacements.

With $10M+ in revenue, sold in 127 Best Buy stores, and 10 patents, they are primed for massive expansion.

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+ "It's not about how much you earn. It's about how much you're worth. And who's worth the most? Companies that lose money." - Russ Hanneman

According to some snitches on the inside, OpenAI is expecting revenue to triple to $12.7B in 2025. The Barry Wood of AI is putting up girthy top line numbers after more than doubling its paying business user base (think: 2M+ subs). Friendly reminder: OpenAI is a “non-profit.”

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on who you ask), Sam is still projecting negative cash flow until, wait for it… 2029. OpenAI is burning through cash faster than Adam Neumann buying office kombucha. Turns out Nvidia $NVDA ( ▼ 7.81% ) chips and high-powered data centers really are expensive. Or so they tell Masa Son.

+ Ah, sh*t, here we go again…

Donny Tariffs did it again. 25% tariffs are coming for “all cars that are not made in the United States”. April 2nd is D-Day for the new tariffs aka “liberation day” and “the big one.” Big Auto stocks (GM $GM ( ▼ 4.34% ), Stellantis $STLA ( ▼ 9.41% ), Ford $F ( ▼ 6.01% ) ) all took a hit (which, duh). 

Speaking of US carmakers getting taken to the cleaner… Tesla $TSLA ( ▼ 5.48% ) shares took (another) beating yesterday (before the tariff announcement)…

Turns out, TSLA sales in Europe are slowing (think: down 40% YoY) while European EV makers are gaining traction.

+ On today’s episode of team-ups no one asked for expected… Steph Curry and Michelle Obama are launching a sports drink together, which makes sense, given Michelle’s immaculate NBA Finals record. And are we just going to pretend Plezi and Pez’s names and logos aren’t eerily similar?

+ This dude sounds like the kid in college who reminded you about what you did when you were drunk the night before. Recently, a 32-year Ford $F ( ▼ 6.01% ) veteran announced his retirement via email… and attached a spreadsheet of thousands of his coworkers’ mixed-up metaphors and malapropisms. Imagine if he worked with Ricky Lafleur.

+ Dollar Tree $DLTR ( ▼ 13.34% ) is selling Family Dollar to private equity. The deal is valued at ~$1B.

+ GameStop $GME ( ▼ 7.01% ) shares got rekt after it announced plans to offer $1.3B in convertible senior notes… to buy Bitcoin.

+ The go-to chat room platform for sh*tcoin scambois is looking to IPO. Discord is joining a growing list of private companies willing to test the public waters in 2025.

+ US stocks “were lower after the close on Wednesday, as losses in the Technology, Consumer Services and Industrials sectors led shares lower.” (Investing.com)

+ The 10-year yield “moved higher Wednesday as investors awaited further economic data amid growing fears of a recession.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “prices rose on Wednesday, buoyed by government data showing U.S. crude oil and fuel inventories fell last week and by mounting concerns about tighter global supply following the U.S. threat of tariffs on nations buying Venezuelan crude.” (Reuters)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Visa -0.4% 2) Nvidia -6.9% 3) Hims & Hers Health -3.6%

⏪ Yesterday…

+ Chewy, Cintas, Dollar Tree, and Paychex reported in the AM

+ Jefferies reported after hours

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Lululemon reports after hours

+ CoreWeave IPOs

+ Dutch Bros holds its Investor Day

Yesterday, I asked, “Which sports team has the most insufferable fan base?”

21.1% of you answered Cowboys. Sorry for partying…

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

• Cowboys: “Because Cowboys fans do not let even someone like me who does not follow football forget that they are Cowboys fans.”

• Duke: “Duke fans in Oregon piss me off. ‘He doesn't even go there’. Now I'm all riled up. Thanks!”

• Notre Dame: “I live in Chicago... They're everywhere”

• Yankees: “Steeler fans are also pretty brutal (and ugly) and they haven’t even won a playoff game since the Obama administration. ”

• Penn State: “Penn St., I married into a legit cult”

• Eagles: “F*cking Eagles fans and Penn State jock riders running neck and neck. If only it was in to a wall. ”

• Other (write-in): “Ohio State Fans, throw yourself in THE garbage ”

And here’s today’s question…

I’m being told I need to watch ‘Severance’…

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.