💩 TickTock

And hide yo kids, hide yo wife, Optimus is coming

Author

Tyler Morin
January 10, 2025

TOGETHER WITH

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Before we get into it, make sure to check out today’s sponsor, Smart Nora.

Hey there weekday warrior,

TikTok isn’t for sale, but everybody’s got a price, right?

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 13 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

+ US stocks “remained closed to observe a National Day of Mourning for former President Jimmy Carter.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year yield took a half day and closed early in honor of the late former US President Jimmy Carter.

+ Oil “prices rose more than 1% on Thursday as cold weather gripped parts of the U.S. and Europe, boosting winter fuel demand.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin “fell on Thursday to its lowest level this year as it struggles to maintain momentum.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were (prices reflect Wednesday close): 1) Nvidia -0.02% 2) Microstrategy -2.8% 3) Advanced Micro Devices -4.3%

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TickTock

The end is near for TikTok. With just over a week before a national ban goes into effect, the platform's fate rests in the hands of nine AARP members in Washington, DC (think: Supreme Court).

A quick refresher

Biden signed the Foreign Adversary Controlled Applications Act back in April, giving ByteDance until January 19 to either sell TikTok or face a nationwide ban.

ByteDance has appealed the law all the way to The Supreme Court, which will hear oral (nice) arguments on the app’s legal standing beginning today. If the law isn’t overturned in *checks calendar* 9 days, TikTok will be canceled in the US. Or, of course, it could find itself a suitor


Speaking of suitors


TikTok’s parent company ByteDance has had several offers for the original Reels app
 even though it claims it’d rather see it shut down than sold.

The latest (unsolicited) bid comes from nonprofit internet advocacy group Project Liberty via billionaire founder Frank McCourt. McCourt, the former owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers, has been evangelizing for a safer internet for years
 and keeping TikTok alive would help, apparently


“I’m assembling a team” - McCourt

Frank won’t go it alone, though. Like the capitalist leech that he is, Mister Wonderful aka Kevin O’Leary of Shark Tank fame has also weaseled his way into the deal, along with the actual inventor of the World Wide Web Tim Berners-Lee (sorry, not sorry, Al Gore). The group of investors has anointed themselves “The People’s Bid for TikTok,” which sounds like a socialist rebel group in some South American nation.

Even though he should just be happy to be on the group text, in typical Mr. Wonderful fashion, KO claimed the group wants the deal even without the algorithm. “We’ll do it ourselves and make TikTok wonderful again.”

TS

+ Tesla Optimus robots like 3 days after dudes get a hold of them


Elon took a break from playing Diablo IV to drop some New Year’s Resolutions at this year’s CES conference. Our VP-elect predicted that “humanoid robots [can] be the biggest product ever in history by far.” Per Elon, Tesla (+0.1%) is scheduled to produce a few thousand robots in 2025, and 10x production each year thereafter.

Musk said that he envisions a future where the robot-to-human ratio reaches 3 or 4:1, with robot labor making human work obsolete. It is so over


+ Imagine getting put in a body bag by a dude who worked at Denny’s


ICYMI, quantum computing stocks tanked Wednesday after Nvidia (-0.02%) CEO Jensen Huang went all Regina George and Burn Booked the entire industry. Huang put the quantum computer industry on blast (think: -35% to -45% across the board) when he said the supercomputers are still 15 to 30 years away from being useful. 

D-Wave Quantum (-36.1%) CEO Alan Baratz clapped back, calling Huang’s comments “dead wrong.” Dave whipped out his Rolodex and pointed out that D-Wave already has commercial clients like Mastercard (+0.9%) and Japan’s NTT Docomo.

But Baratz didn’t stop there: “l’ll be happy to meet with Jensen any time, any place, to help fill in these gaps for him.” Bold strategy for a guy whose company did $1.9M last quarter, down 27% from the same time last year.

+ Credit Suisse is about as subtle at committing crimes as Ricky LaFleur


UBS (+0.03%) is patiently waiting to pick up the tab after Credit Suisse violated a 2014 agreement with the US DOJ (friendly reminder: UBS bought CS in a fire sale last year). The Fun Police are calculating the total damages as we speak, but the settlement is expected to reach low to mid-9 figures.

After getting caught by the DOJ in 2014 for helping wealthy Americans evade taxes, Credit Suisse went all “can’t stop, won’t stop” and continued doing what Swiss banks do best. CS hid over $700M from Uncle Sam, and now their sugar daddy (read: UBS) has to pony up.

+ Amazon money printer go brrrr.

Yesterday, Amazon (+0.01%) announced that it will allow other companies to use its ad technology on their own websites. The new Amazon Retail Ad Service will allow retailers to run Amazon-powered ads on their own internet properties and utilize AWS-powered ad measurement and reporting tools. Oh, so, Google?

In addition to its cut, Amazon will get its hands on something even more valuable: a ton of new data (no sh*t) about internet users. Amazon’s ad revenue topped $14.3B last quarter. And Bezos still didn’t hear no bell.

+ Nvidia’s tiny $3,000 computer for AI developers steals the show at CES. Remember when your parents paid $4,995 for a Gateway 2000 in 1998?

FYI, TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. So, what are you waiting for? Start clicking.

FWD

âȘ Yesterday, US markets were closed to honor President Jimmy Carter

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on


+ Delta, Walgreens, Tilray, and Constellation Brands report this AM

+ The Supreme Court hears the TikTok case (friendly reminder: if TikTok doesn’t sell its US assets by January 19th, it will be banned)

+ The Detroit Auto Show gets underway

+ The Bureau of Labor Statistics drops the December jobs report

EXIT

Yesterday, I asked, “Assuming you'll never be famous enough to have markets closed in your honor, get your face on currency, etc., which (attainable) honor would you like most when you die?”

  1. Local brewery names a beer after you

  2. Small body of water named after you

  3. Get a sandwich named after you at your local deli

Here’s what some of you had to say (and my thoughts in italics)


  • “With a name like David Jones, the Eastern Carolina University needs to name the student union after me and nickname it "The Locker".” How often do you think about this?

  • “My wife (or someone else's wife) to call out my name in bed.”

  • “What about a nickname? Congratulations to the graduates of Thunder Cheeks High school”

  • “statue, but not from whoever did Dwayne Wade's”

  • “Golf hole named in my honor. A diabolical Par 3 over water so I can piss people off for years to come. ”

  • “The lake off the first tee at our local Muni.”

  • “I just want to make a big enough trade to get my name in TWC someday...😎” It's your lucky day, Isaac.

  • “A mountain.”

And here’s today’s question


Since AI robots are inevitable


What the first thing you're using your Tesla Optimus for?

Login or Subscribe to participate in polls.

Oh, and one more thing


What did you think about today's newsletter?

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FINE

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.