Today, we’re getting into Nike overpromising, Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez tying the knot, and inflation rearing its ugly head. But first...

In the June 30, 2020 edition of The Water Coolest, we talked about that time Lululemon tried to get its Peloton on (and regretted it pretty much immediately)…

At the height of the at-home fitness boom, Lululemon bought Mirror for $500M. Mirror was a (you guessed it) smart mirror that allows users (who don’t want to just use their TV) to attend live yoga and Pilates classes.

Turns out, Lululemon should’ve stuck to see-through yoga pants and khakis for middle management. The market for at-home fitness hardware dried up quicker than PPE sales on Etsy not long after the deal. LULU ended up writing off the acquisition and stopped selling the Mirror altogether. To bring things full circle, they ended up inking a fitness partnership with Peloton.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 26 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

PS, loving The Water Coolest? Forward it to someone who also didn’t get invited to Bezos’ wedding. If you CC me ([email protected]), I’ll send you both something.

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That sound you hear is Wall Street and retail investors giving Nike CEO Elliott Hill a Gluck Gluck 9000.

Shares of the Swoosh popped 17% on Friday despite a quarter that was more Under Armour than Nike $NKE ( ▲ 0.15% ).

Why?

Well, mostly because the man whose legacy (and equity compensation) depends on sticking the landing of a turnaround hit investors with “trust me, bro.”

Sure, sales dropped 12% in the most recent quarter, but CEO Elliott Hill is convinced the biggest financial hit from the turnaround is behind NKE. And this dude’s rizz is so far off the charts that he was able to convince the Street that even tariffs couldn’t derail the comeback (friendly reminder: most of Nike’s shoes and apparel are made by children in China and Vietnam).

During the company’s earnings call, Hill shared details on how he plans to Make Nike Great Again/make HOKA his b*tch…

New look Nike is partnering with everyone with an IG account and two X chromosomes. It’s making a big push with the ladies, a demo with which it has historically struggled. See: Nike x Skims (think: Kim K’s shapewear brand) and a new A’ja Wilson collection.

Oh, and it’s reversing course on that direct-to-consumer pivot, which went about as well as Nike signing Colin Kaepernick that one time. Step one: limp back to Amazon with its tail between its legs and beg Andy Jassy for mercy (and by ‘mercy’ I mean access to hundreds of millions of dollars).

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+ The people of Italy haven’t hated something this much since the Olive Garden was founded in 1982…

It appears Jeffrey Commerce didn’t learn his lesson (see: $38B divorce settlement with Mackenzie). Bezos married his long-time girlfriend, Lauren Sánchez, in Venice over the weekend… despite the haters (read: Italians) being out in full force.

Congrats, you two crazy kids…

+ “I don’t want to play with you anymore.” - POTUS to Canada

Our neighbors to the north f*cked around, and found out. You see, way back in the year of our lord 2022, Canada passed the Digital Services Tax. The DST is pretty simple: a 3% tax on all digital revenue generated in Canada. It applies to any big tech company with more than $800M in revenue globally and ~$15M in Canada.

As you might have guessed, American companies would be impacted the most. It’s called suffering from success. The nation whose only exports are NHL prospects, Trailer Park Boys reruns, and Tim Hortons planned to start collecting on Monday.

“And I took that personally.” - Uncle Sam

Given the recent developments (namely, US tariffs), the White House was really expecting Canada to pump the brakes on the DST. Instead, the Canadians were uncharacteristically unaccommodating.

So, on Friday, President Trump unveiled plans to retaliate with the economic equivalent of sending seven B-2 bombers equipped with bunker busters: he ended all trade talks.

By Sunday evening, however, Canada realized they done f*cked up, eh? Word came down from Ottawa that it was pausing the DST to allow for the US and Canadian trade talks to continue.

+ Meanwhile… China confirmed POTUS’ announcement Thursday that the two sides agreed to a trade deal. It’ll focus on China shipping rare earth metals to the US, and the US easing up on tech restrictions… and will presumably collapse before the ink dries.

+ The perfect ticker symbol doesn’t exi—

Tuttle Capital Management (sup, Matt) filed to launch an ETF with the ticker GRFT. And it’s exactly what you think it is. It’ll invest in “holdings disclosed by members of Congress, companies with personal or professional ties to a sitting US president, and short-term trades linked to presidential praise, speeches, or social media commentary.”

+ “I’ll f*ckin do it again.” - the price of everything

J-Poww about to hit POTUS with “told ya so.” The Fed’s preferred inflation gauge (core PCE) didn’t just rise… it came in slightly above expectations. On the bright side, investors largely didn’t give a damn. Something about low expectations for the economy being baked in. So we’ve got that going for us.

+ US stocks “hit fresh records on Friday as traders managed to look past new comments from President Donald Trump tied to U.S.-Canada tariffs.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year yield “inched higher on Friday after the Federal Reserve’s preferred inflation gauge reflected an unexpected uptick.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “edged up slightly on Friday, recovering from a midday drop into negative territory following a report that OPEC+ was planning to hike production in August, but tumbled about 12% in the week in their biggest drop since March 2023.” (Reuters)

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ The quiet period post-IPO ends for Circle

Friday, I asked, “What's more embarrassing?”

37.7% of you said “Falling for a Nigerian prince scam.”

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

Here’s today’s question…

We’re going hypothetical, so here are some terms…

Oh, and one more thing…

Made in America & Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

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