TOGETHER WITH

Hey there weekday warrior,

Today, we’re getting into AI coming for your Meta ad dollars, a big day for steel, and Elon gives Neuralink some love. But first...

In the June 3, 2019 edition of The Water Coolest, we got into rumors that the DOJ was about to come down hard on Google. The accusation? That its ad biz was an illegal monopoly. Ok fair…

Fast-forward 6 years and Google has taken not one, but two major antitrust Ls… and that might not even be the biggest existential threat to its biz (see: AI).

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 44 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

Your move, Google

Bad news for all the aspiring Don Drapers out there…

Zuck is about to make Mad Men redundant… with AI. According to the WSJ, by the end of 2026, Meta $META ( ▲ 1.52% ) will allow brands to create and run fully automated ads with artificial intelligence.

You had my curiosity, but now you have my attention…

So, how does it work?

Simple: brands give Meta a credit card, a product image, and a goal… then get the f*ck out of the way.

Meta will take care of the rest, including creating ads (think: copy, images, and even video), targeting, and, of course, optimizing like Cambridge Analytica circa 2016.

This is great news for anyone who doesn’t have a PhD in Computer Science who’s ever tried to figure out how to use Meta’s ads manager. And really, really bad news for anyone who makes a living helping idiots (like me) navigate Meta’s ads manager.

The level of psychological f*ckery Zuck is about to unleash on the human race knows no bounds…

Our wallets don’t stand a chance.

You see, not everyone will see the same ad for that Sydney Sweeney bath water soap come 2026. Zuck will help brands serve ads tailored to individuals’ specific kinks. Turns out, all that personal data he’s been hoovering up about us is about to become even more valuable to Meta shareholders.

The WSJ used a more PG example to explain how individuals in different locations could see the “same” ad: “A person seeing an advertisement for a car in a snowy place, for example, might see the car driving up a mountain, whereas a person seeing an ad for that same car in an urban area would see it driving on a city street.”

I love the smell of consumerism in the morning.

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+ Who’s going to tell them about TACO?

The Primanti Bros. sandwiches just hit different today in Pittsburgh. US steelmakers’ stonks went parabolic on Monday after POTUS said he’d hike tariffs on the metal to 50% from 25%, beginning this week.

Shares of Cleveland Cliffs $CLF ( ▲ 5.99% ) jumped more than 23%, marking the best thing to happen to the mistake on the lake since this video dropped…

+ Who do you think sends the calendar invite for a Zoom call between Presidents Trump and Xi? The two world leaders will reportedly touch base this week to circle the wagons on the trade deal agenda items. No more putting it on the back burner. Time to kick the tires on some synergies… as soon as this week, according to the White House.

+ Tesla investors on Friday: “I’m so glad Elon is done with DOGE so he can focus on getting Tesla back on track.”

Elon on Monday: “I just raised a f*ck ton of money for the brain tech startup you probably forgot I’m involved in."

Neuralink raised $650M from a bunch of VCs who presumably couldn’t get allocation on SpaceX’s last round. To date, the company, whose motto is drill baby drill, has only mainlined its brain-computer interface directly into 5 humans. Currently, the devices allow patients with paralysis to control physical movement with their thoughts (imagine reading that sentence to someone in 2010…).

+ Big tech has a fever, and the only prescription is more data startups. Last week, Salesforce bought Informatica. Earlier in May, ServiceNow acquired Data.World. And yesterday, Snowflake $SNOW ( ▲ 0.56% )  announced it’s acquiring Crunch Data. SNOW is paying $250M for the “Postgres database partner”… whatever the f*ck that actually means.

+ Despite regularly yelling at clouds and telling kids to get off his lawn (see: Monday’s newsletter), Jamie Dimon has no plans to retire any time soon (unless God and/or the board decide otherwise). The 69 (nice) year old said he’s still “a few years” away from hanging up his deal sleds.

+ Remember how bad the quality of TV was during the writers’ strike? Well, imagine that, but just Disney $DIS ( ▲ 1.22% ) . The company is laying off “a few hundred” employees in its TV and film businesses, as well as some poor b*stards in finance who are getting replaced with a custom GPT.

+ US stocks “closed higher on Monday as investors largely shrugged off escalating US trade tensions with China and the European Union.” (Reuters)

+ The 10-year yield “moved higher as China struck back at the U.S. over alleged Geneva trade deal violations.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “climbed nearly 3% on Monday on supply concerns as producer group OPEC+ decided not to accelerate plans to hike output and wildfires in Canada’s oil-producing province disrupted production.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin “remained little changed on Monday after logging heavy losses in weekend trade, as risk appetite was battered by heightened trade tensions between the U.S. and China and increased U.S. tariffs.” (Investing.com)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ Snowflake’s 4-day conference began

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Dollar General and NIO report before the bell

+ CrowdStrike, Hewlett-Packard, and Asana report after hours

+ Zscaler will host an innovation briefing for investors during the company's Zenith Live 2025 event

Here’s today’s question…

One rule: you can’t tell anyone you’re getting paid to do this.

Two bangers today…

mr.eviltime

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Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.